Page 61

MIA

“… and then Ally said she wants to play basketball, too!”

I half-listen to Eli’s school tales, my mind elsewhere. The ice cream cone in my hand is melting, strawberry stickiness sliding down between my fingers. Somehow, I completely forgot I was holding it.

Strawberry. Memories flash before my eyes: chocolate-covered strawberries and promises under the stars. Everything a girl could ever wish for.

But can I truly have it?

“Mommy?”

Eli’s voice snaps me out of my reverie. “Yes, munchkin?”

“You’re not listening,” he says, arms crossed over the picnic bench. “You’re ADHDing again.”

“I’m not sure that’s a real word.”

“Marcus uses it.”

“Oh, well, if Marcus uses it…”

“Mommy!” Eli half-giggles, half-pouts. “Stop teasing!”

“No can do.” I grin. “You’re just that teasable.”

Then I activate the Tickle Monster.

“Mommy!” Eli squeals as I reach over the table to tickle him between neck and shoulder. “Stop! Your ice cream!”

“My ice cream will feed the grass. Then the grass will turn pink, and they’ll make more ice cream with it. It’s the circle of life.”

“That’s not how ice cream works !”

“No?” I let my cone fall and tickle him with both my strawberry-stained hands. “Maybe I should go back to school, then.”

We keep horsing around like that for a few more seconds. By the time the Tickle Monster has reached full power, Eli is rolling on the grass, squealing and kicking like a piglet. “I yield! I yield!”

“Wise choice.” I wipe my hands on my jeans and join my kid on the grass. “So? What have we learned today?”

“You can’t beat the Tickle Monster.”

“That’s right. It’s unbeatable.”

We stay like that for a moment, gazing up at the sky. It’s so sunny today, it doesn’t feel like Halloween is just around the corner at all. Instead, it feels like an echo of summer.

Last summer. The summer that changed everything.

“Mommy?”

“Huh?”

“You’re thinking again.”

“Oh, no. Is that bad?”

“Yes.” Eli pouts. “Because it means you’re worried.”

Guilt needles at me. Is it that obvious? Have I been worrying my kid all along, even while trying to hide the truth?

Silly girl. You can’t lie to him, remember?

Right. We made a pact.

And our pact means more to me than anything else.

“You’re right.” I take a big breath and sit up on the grass. This park is usually full on Sunday mornings, but we got here bright and early, so it’s just us and a few frisbee-chasing labradors. “Mommy’s had something on her mind lately.”

“Is it bad?”

“No,” I answer quickly. “No, baby, it’s not. Actually, it might be very good for us.”

Eli sits up next to me. He’s frowning, his little face all the cuter for it. “Then why are you worried?”

“Because…” I sigh. “It’s a big change. For both of us. And I want to make sure you’re okay with it before?—”

“Are you getting married?”

I choke on air. “What?” I ask, a little too shrilly to be convincing. “What gave you that idea?”

“It’s Yulian, isn’t it?”

Dammit. “You kinda stole my thunder there, buddy.”

“What thunder?”

“Nevermind.” I look him in the eye. “You’re not wrong. Yulian… he did ask me to marry him.”

“Did you say yes?”

“Not yet.”

Okay, that’s not the full truth. I did say yes—over and over and over again—but somehow, it doesn’t feel kid-appropriate to mention that.

Besides, there’s only one “yes” that matters.

My son’s.

Eli’s brow knits. “Why not?”

“Because I wanted to talk to you first.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a big decision. And not just for me.” I ruffle his hair, wondering how in the world did I get so lucky. To have a kid like Eli. He’s everything bright and kind in the world, and he shows me that every day. “So, if you don’t want me to do it…”

“Will we go live with him?”

“Yes. At some point. But we don’t have to rush it—not until you’re ready.”

He gives a thoughtful little nod. “I think he’s got a bigger house than us.”

“I think so, too.”

“I’m okay with a bigger house.”

“But are you okay with Yulian being there?” I search his eyes, making sure he understands what he’s saying. What I’m saying. “Every day? Having breakfast with us, dinner with us, driving you to school? Coming with us to the park on weekends or needing us to be there for his work events?”

“Work events?”

“It’s like picture day, but much more boring.”

He purses his lips. “Can I skip picture day?”

“You can skip whatever you want, buddy. That’s why we’re talking right now.” My heart clenches as I prepare to say what comes next. “And if you want to skip all of it… if you want things to stay as they are?—”

“Do you love him?”

It’s not the answer I was expecting. “I…”

“It’s a simple question, Mommy. Yes or no.”

“Hey! Watch the attitude.” But even as I say that, I can’t help laughing. And I can’t help realizing that, no matter how long or hard I think about it, there’s only ever been one answer. “Yes, munchkin. I love him.”

“That’s gross.”

“Right? So gross. Mega-ultra-yuck.”

“Yeah.” He makes a face. “But you should get married.”

“Are you sure?” I whisper. “You can say no, you know. I won’t be mad. This is your life, too.”

Eli’s gaze drops to the grass, tormenting a few stalks between his fingers. Like I do with my sleeves whenever I’m nervous. “You’re not happy, Mommy.”

“What? Of course I?—”

“No, you’re not. All you do is work and take care of me.” His little fists clench in the grass, ripping out the stalks. Suddenly, he looks close to tears. “You have to see Mr. Lee because of me and work late because of me and put up with Vanessa?—”

“Tamara.”

“Whatever. I hate her.”

His words break my heart. His face breaks my heart—into a thousand tiny little pieces. He’s red, teary, and so nervous he could burst.

I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have put this on him.

“Baby—”

“But when Yulian’s there, you’re happy.” He looks at me again. “You get all pretty and go out and have fun, and then you take me for fancy pizza and ice cream. And in the morning, you sing while you’re making pancakes.”

Tears start welling at the bottom of my eyes, too. All this time, I’ve been trying to protect him from the harshness of our lives. To keep it hidden as long as I could.

But I never fooled him, did I?

And maybe—just maybe—I was never the one protecting him.

He was the one protecting me .

“I don’t want you to leave Yulian because of me,” he sniffles. “I like him. You like him. Why didn’t you say yes already?”

A watery laugh bursts out of me. “I told you, I wanted to talk to you first!”

“And now, you have!” He crosses his arms, all angry-looking and reproachful. Like he’s the parent, scolding an unruly child. “So what the heck are you waiting for?!”

I gather him into my arms. He doesn’t resist, letting me hug him tight and stroke his head as he breathes harshly, working hard to school his feelings.

“You shouldn’t say that word,” I whisper.

“Waiting?”

“Heck.”

“Oh.” He blinks. “Marcus says it, though.”

I don’t tease him this time. I just hold him close to my heart, thanking the stars for sending him to me.

My son.

My treasure.

“Okay.” I press a kiss to his head. “I’ll marry him. But don’t think for one second I’m doing it because I’m not happy being your mom.” I squeeze him a little tighter. “It’s the best heckin’ job in the whole world.”

He doesn’t say anything for a while. Then, with the smallest voice I’ve ever heard: “… Will he be my dad?”

Guilt mixes with hope in my chest. “He’d like to. But only if you’re okay with it.”

“I’m okay with it.”

“You’re sure?”

“Mhmm.” He burrows further into my embrace. “I’d like to have a dad, I think. I’ve never had one before.”

Don’t cry, Mia. You’ve only just stopped.

Seriously, enough with the waterworks already!

But I can’t help it. This time, I’m crying mixed tears—happy because of my son, sad for all the pain I’ve put him through. For that one horrible lie hanging over our heads.

Your dad died.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I rasp. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“For what?”

“For never giving you a dad.”

“It’s not your fault.” Eli’s head peeks up. “You’re giving me one now.”

That drags another laugh out of me. How do kids do it? Always see the bright side, no matter what?

“Yeah,” I whisper. “Yeah, I am.”

And just like that, my choice is made.

I’ll marry Yulian. I’ll be his bride. I’ll be his wife.

And together, we’ll be the family we never had.