Page 12

12

Aran

It takes me every ounce of willpower I have not to rush after Hex, haul him over one shoulder, and take him back to the cabin. I took my eyes off him for five minutes—trying to work the chatty waitress so she spills what she knows about the guests frequenting the pool bar—but it looks like my efforts to increase our intel have flopped.

I have no idea how we even got here or why he looked like I’d eaten all of his cake without letting him even try it.

Rubbing my forehead as I agree to join Tracy for drinks on her day off, I watch the little shit climb the stairs to the top of the water slide. The man who’s with him really looks like my doppelganger. He’s also very touchy-feely and, for some reason, Hex lets him.

My blood boils, urging me to do something. I don’t know who this Mong is, and until I have checked his background, he shouldn’t be anywhere near Hex. To make matters worse, what was this thing about their meeting being a date? Hex didn’t say anything about any dates.

As I watch the two men disappear down the slide’s tunnel, I turn over everything that happened in the last twenty minutes. We came here to meet Mong and everything was going fine. We sat down, Hex was smiling, then the waitress came and started chatting with me…

I let out an ungracious snort. Wait. Did he… No, but this can’t be. He knows me better than anyone else. The woman was very friendly, that’s true, but surely Hex is more than aware that people like her are not my type and that I don’t really do hookups.

Retracing my day back to its start, I mentally make a list of all the things that have happened since the morning. Within a minute, I arrive at the answer of what most likely transpired in Hex’s head to make him flirt so blatantly with another man.

Now, I don’t have anything against that. In fact, I encourage it. Or I should… even if I feel like I want to snap this Mong’s neck. Squeezing the armrest of the sun-chair, I force down that violent urge. I can’t be feeling this, it’s inappropriate. Misplaced. Forbidden. I’m his guardian, a watchdog tasked to protect him. I’m also too old for him. A man who looks like a younger version of me is a way better match for him.

But there are steps to dating Hex, or even for hooking up with him, and the first one is a thorough background check from my end, so I can be sure he won’t end up with someone dangerous or sketchy. It’s for my own peace of mind as much as his, and I allow no exceptions.

Except that he went and rebelled against you right in your face with a guy who looks like he could be your twin.

He’s punishing me, getting back at me. And I hate that it’s working. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I hate seeing him being so flirty with another man. It’s fine when he does it with me—and a part of me even likes how silly some of his attempts are—but witnessing it from the sidelines makes me want to break something.

He’s not allowed to do it with anyone else, misunderstanding or not. Yes, I ignored him and got carried away trying to find out what Tracy knows, but it was all for our mission. The stakes are high and the repercussions if we fail even higher. We must do everything in our power to figure out what they want to do with this drug, so we can stop them.

As for this woman, I’m not into her or whatever other crazy conclusion he must’ve arrived at. I can see how it ended up that way too, how his brain took everything that happened yesterday and today and built up an argument that I might be bored of him. That maybe I have decided to show him he stands no chance.

Last night was a little more intense than usual. I almost gave in. Something shifted between us, small as it might be, because I let things get a bit out of hand. His charm is hard to resist sometimes, and I’ve gotten used to his easy and open interest in me. He’s never expressed that toward someone else, and it really irks me that he’s doing it now.

Still, he’s never taken my rejections seriously. But that’s one thing, and evidently, seeing me flirt with other people in front of him is a whole other ordeal. Does he not trust me? But he knows I don’t have anyone and that I don’t care about meaningless sex. If that changed, I’d be sure to tell him. Despite how big of a brat he can be, I would never intentionally hurt him. I just… can’t.

I direct my attention back to the slide and find Hex and his ‘date’ splashing each other with water at the bottom of it like children. It’s head-spinning how Mong looks so much like me when I was younger.

Grinding my teeth, I realize something—there is a real possibility that Hex might fall for Mong, especially if the man has shown the kind of interest I never do.

I dig my fingers into the sun-chair’s armrests as a heavy feeling invades my stomach. I don’t like that thought at all. Just acknowledging it puts me on edge and makes me want to punch or shoot or break something. Hex is not mine, but I also dread the idea of him being serious with someone.

Because what if he decided that he doesn’t need me anymore?

What if he sits me down one day, thanks me for my service and sends me packing?

I shudder, vibrating with even more agitation as scenarios play out in my mind. I don’t know how I’d react if he came to me one day with someone by his side. I thought I was okay with it—after all, he’s bound to find his person one day—but I am not so sure anymore. Watching him with Mong… it does weird things to me. Things that I hadn’t considered I might have to deal with simply because Hex has only ever shown an interest in me.

I might need to rethink where I stand. If more of this is what awaits me until Hex finally cuts me loose, I better take a hard long think about what it is that I really want.

Do I cling a promise that has long been fulfilled because I’m afraid to confront my own demons, or do I face my fear and guilt so I can grab onto my only chance of real happiness with both hands?

Hex and Mong return twenty minutes later, soaked and dripping. Grabbing the fluffy towel I’ve hung over the empty sun-chair next to mine, I pull the younger man over and dry his blue hair. His silky strands slip between my fingers in wet clumps, and I tousle them a bit until they don’t stick so tightly together.

“You know I can do that myself, right?” Hex complains, pouting those pink lips at me as he hops up and plants his hands on his waist.

His mouth is more enticing than usual, making me swallow hard so I can restrain myself from doing something that will probably make us the center of attention.

“I bet your friend is just worried you might catch a cold and is just looking out for you, Hex,” Mong says, throwing an arm around Hex’s shoulders.

I see red. It’s the first time it happens so profoundly, and I can’t say I like it. I have to squeeze the armrests, so I don’t punch the unsuspecting guy. A nasty scowl will do for now, even if nasty scowls of this type aren’t really my thing. He’s innocent—Hex is my problem alone—but he’s also a threat. He’s a variable that has thrown off my rhythm, a better me who could snatch from under my nose the one person who means the world to me.

I simply can’t allow that.

Naively, I thought I could. That I would be okay, that I could move on. Because it makes sense, because it is how things should be. Because forbidden things should remain out of reach, there only so they can be admired from afar. But the readiness to let go of this ray of scorching sunshine that I believed I possessed has long left me, and I just chose to ignore that truth. I lied to myself, I made up excuses and arguments in my head.

But Hex is my everything. I wake up thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him, I stand under the hot shower looking at the slick tiles and thinking about him. I look at the sky at dawn, I seek out the moon and the stars at night thinking about him.

What would he like to eat? Did he sleep enough? Would he try to kiss me if I told him I’d booked us tickets for the lizard event at the zoo? Would he laugh if I confessed that I helped Leo and Matt organize the surprise party for his birthday? Or that I was the one who picked the cake and paid extra so the baker would let me be the one to write the ‘Happy Birthday Hex’ on top of it?

Just protecting and looking out for Hex ceased to work for me a long time ago. I just refused to acknowledge it and now I am forced to do so on the go just because he hasn’t stopped smiling at some guy who looks like me.

This is ridiculous. Silly. I’ve lost my mind and gone insane. If anyone found out I am having an epiphany of this magnitude while pretend-sipping cocktails and relaxing by the pool on a luxury cruise, they’d be laughing for an entire day.

But life is strange like that. It doesn’t care if you are ready for love or if the moment is convenient.

A nudge to my arm shakes my thoughts, pulling me back to the present. I’m not ready to be back there yet, but I take a deep breath and swallow my confused feelings. The worst has passed, so the resolution can wait another few days… I hope.

“No, seriously, Mong. That daiquiri was amazing! Hands-down the best cocktail I’ve ever had,” Hex says with so much enthusiasm, you’d think he’s won the Oscars and this is his thank you speech.

My brain somehow remembers Hex’s crazy plan and my part in it. Even though I feel like my head has turned into a mushy cloud, I force myself to meet Mong’s gaze and smile. “I’ve never seen Hex so impressed. It makes me curious to try one of your drinks.”

Clapping his hands, Hex grins at both of us. “Mong, how about we move this to our cabin? We’ll throw a party with booze and juice and board games.”

I shake my head, fighting off a smile . Since when do alcohol and board games make a party?

Mong doesn’t seem at all concerned with Hex’s nerdy idea of having a good time. He nods excitedly and pats Hex on the shoulder, letting his hand linger there.

My heart jumps into my throat, frantic and loud. Before I know it, I’ve gripped Hex by the wrist and pulled him into my arms. His wide brown eyes stare up at me in surprise, glinting and soul-stealing. The ire within me settles down, my chest no longer suffocating.

“What was that for?” the smartass asks, frowning at me.

What indeed?

I pull my own towel from the chair’s backrest and drop it on him. “You didn’t dry off properly.”

Dabbing a few places as he snorts at me and complains about not being a kid, he yanks free and rolls his eyes. “Ugh. Stop embarrassing me!” Then at Mong, he tosses, “So, are you coming or yes?”

I feel the loss of Hex’s warmth immediately. It’s like I have been robbed of something precious, and no matter how I try to enforce logic to the sensations coursing through me, I can’t shake off the budding frustration.

God, this is worse than I thought. I’m losing my mind by the second as I follow the two men and watch them interact with each other. A touch here, a smile there, a joke that goes completely over Hex’s head. He looks so at ease, and I don’t know what to do.

Was he always like that and did I just miss it? Or is this one of those ‘new love, new me’ things that Leo was telling me about? He went through one of them when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend before coming to Japan and he insists that his change in attitude is what brought him and Kwanchai together.

I pause with the door handle in one hand, prickles covering my back and the tips of my fingers.

I might be losing Hex. And I don’t know what to do to stop it. The fake flirting with Tracy must’ve pushed him off the edge and now he’s finally realized he doesn’t need me.

This was always supposed to happen. Not like this necessarily, but we were meant to reach this point one way or another. To outgrow our arrangement and go our separate ways.

I should feel a weight off my shoulders. I should be happy.

But I’m not.

No.

The only thing that fills my mind as I watch Hex take out the tabletop game with the gems I gifted him last Christmas is that I have to stop being a coward and fight for what my heart wants.