Page 15

14

May

N ever in my life have I been as sore as I am right now. We’ve just returned home from Colorado, where I played and lost my first two playoff hockey games. Playoffs just hit differently—they’re more aggressive, the checks are harder, and the stakes are higher. My feet are quite literally dragging beneath me as I make my way inside my house and punch the code into the security system to disarm it, only to immediately set it again. Headlights fade from my driveway as Griffin heads home to Mack and Cadence.

Even though Griff is still rehabbing his knee, he was able to travel with the team for the away stretch of our playoff series. I love having my best friend and soon-to-be brother-in-law on the same team as me. But I also know how hard it is for him to sit out the playoff series against his former team.

It’s just after midnight, so I try my best to stay quiet and not wake Dakota. But I can’t help the groan that slips out when I step on one of Cadence’s oversized Lego blocks in the living room as I go upstairs to my bedroom.

“Ah, fuck!” I shout just as I hear a woman shriek from the couch beside me.

“Dakota?” I call out.

“Carson?” she asks.

“Yes, it’s me. Are you okay?”

“You just scared me. I’m fine. Are you okay? What happened?”

“It’s nothing. I stepped on one of those Lego blocks. I’m just sore and in need of an Epsom salt bath.”

“I’m so sorry. I thought I picked them all up after they left. They stayed here for two nights so Kenna could study and pack up their rooms to move to their place. I hope you don’t mind, we kept quite a few things of Cadence’s here in case she stays over or I watch her over here occasionally. We combined her toy room and her nursery into just one room, and Kenna thought her old playroom could be your new guest room. At least while I’m still staying here,” Dakota explains somewhat frantically.

“That sounds great. Thanks,” I say in a subdued voice, even though I want to reassure her that I’m being sincere. I’d never admit it out loud—because I am truly happy for my sister, Griff, and Cadence—but I can’t help the cloak of melancholy that has fallen over me since Mack told me they’re moving out. Maybe it’s the fact that they don’t need me anymore, along with the thoughts spiraling in my head telling me that’s for the best.

It’s probably a good thing I booked two follow-up sessions for this week with the therapist Dakota recommended. My third session is tomorrow, which could be a terrible idea, seeing as I need my head to be on right for these next two home games if we have any chance of winning the series in this first round of playoffs. But with how many panic attacks I’ve had since the accident, I know I shouldn’t wait to get help. It’s just that, after the first two sessions, I was left drained. The mental load I’ve been carrying is exhausting.

“What’s sore? Did you get hurt?” Dakota asks as she walks up to me, her beautiful face now etched with worry.

“No. Thankfully, I didn’t get hurt. Every inch of my body is just sore right now,” I tell her.

“Oh,” she replies, biting down on her bottom lip. The same lip I’ve been dying to sink my teeth into for what feels like forever.

“I think one of your hugs would make things better. Come here,” I open my arms for her. She doesn’t hesitate a moment as she crashes into me, knocking the air from my lungs and leaving a tightening in my chest.

Things have been different between us since the night of Griff and Mack’s engagement. Our friendship has shifted from just friends to slightly . . . more. We haven’t crossed any physical lines, but I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t the first thing I think about when I wake up. The first person I text or call when I’ve got news. The last person I think about before I close my eyes at night. While on the road, I longed for the nights we spent together watching TV or playing games. When we’d go to eat together as a team, I craved Dakota’s home-cooked meals and desserts.

“I missed you. It wasn’t the same not having you here,” she whispers into my chest.

Fuck. She doesn’t know how badly I needed to hear that.

“I missed you too. More than you know,” I rasp.

Dakota steps out of my arms and clears her throat. “Do you want to watch something together?”

“I’d love that. Do you care if I take that bath first? If you’re still awake, I’d never say no to spending time with you. But if you’re tired, don’t try to stay up.”

“I was fixin’ to read a bit before bed anyway. I’ll see you if I see you, Golden Boy. And nice goal tonight. Even though y’all lost, it was still a hard-fought battle.”

Nodding my head, I thank her before heading upstairs with my suitcase and carry-on.

Once the water runs, I strip out of my light gray suit and set it aside for dry cleaning. My phone buzzes on my vanity with an incoming text.

Mack Attack:

Good game tonight, Carse. I know it’s a tough loss, but you guys can come back.

Me:

Thanks, Mack. Did Griff make it home?

He did. Thanks for agreeing to ride with him. He feels like you’ve been distancing yourself from him over the last month. Please tell me it has nothing to do with the accident.

My stomach sinks as I re-read my sister’s text. Of course I’ve been distancing myself due to the accident. I almost caused another person my best friend loves to be taken from him. If something had happened to Cadence that day, I don’t think I could have lived with myself.

Me:

I didn’t mean to. It’s been busy with playoffs and trying to plan you two the best joint bachelor and bachelorette party there ever was.

Mack Attack:

Please let Dakota and Brooke help! They’ve both been champing at the bit to help in any way they can.

I mean, you don’t have to twist my arm to get me to spend more time with Super Nanny.

Keep it in your pants, Carse. She has quickly become a good friend of mine.

And yet, you’re engaged to my childhood best friend. Pot, meet kettle.

Apples to oranges, bro. You’re comparing fiancés to flings.

I mean, I heard wedding bells the second I met her.

It’s far too late for this discussion. Goodnight, Carse! Love you, mean it.

Goodnight, Mack! I love you guys!

I shut out of my text thread with Mack and open mine with Dakota. I scroll through the few where I let her know I had landed and was heading home until I spot the one from Thursday afternoon when we landed in Denver.

Austen:

Repeat after me: I am in control.

Me:

Oh, that’s a good one. The flight had more turbulence than I would’ve liked, so I kissed the tarmac when we stepped off the plane.

Wait, you actually kissed the ground?

I did. I’ll see if the social media team got a picture of it.

*Me clicking on the Wolverines’ socials to see if said picture has been posted*

Repeat after me: I am confident and capable.

You’re right on again. I am confident that I should’ve packed a jar of your amaretto peach jam. The hotel jam tastes like preservative garbage.

Repeat after me: I am worthy of greatness.

Let’s hope you’re right on this one. I repeated it. But maybe if you say, “Carson is worthy of greatness” out loud, together we can manifest that shit.

Alright, Golden Boy. I said it. Now go out there and score me one.

That one was for you, Super Nanny.

Smiling to myself, I set my phone down on the counter and get into the tub. When I walked through this house, I knew it was the one when I saw this oversized soaking tub. It’s the perfect size to fit my large frame and then some.

After my bath, I knock twice on Dakota’s bedroom door. “Are you still awake, Austen?”

A few moments later, the door swings open, and the sight of Dakota wearing one of my college hockey T-shirts just about brings me to my knees.

“Yep,” she replies, somewhat breathlessly.

“Nice shirt,” I tell her as I pinch the hem of the short sleeve. When my finger brushes against the skin on her arm, I have to swallow the groan that wants to escape.

“It is. I’m not even going to try to lie, I stole it when I was putting away some of your laundry.”

I chuckle at her honesty. “That would explain why a shirt I haven’t worn since I’ve lived here wound up in your hands.”

She hides her head in her hands. “I’m so sorry. This probably looks really weird, but I promise it’s not like that. I saw it in your dresser, and it was a weak moment that had me missing you. If you want me to give it back, I’ll go change.”

“Keep it. I insist. Besides, I don’t mind the way my last name looks splayed across your back.” I also don’t mind one bit that she’s openly admitting that she missed me.

“You’re unrelenting in your teasing, aren’t you?”

“Of course. So, do you want to watch the show here or downstairs?” I ask, shifting the discussion back to the show to try to distract me from how turned on I am right now.

“Let’s watch it here. I’m getting a little tired now, so I don’t want to have to walk up the steps later.”

Giving her shoulder a little nudge, I tell her, “You know, I could always carry you to bed if you’re too tired to walk, Austen.”

She stares back at me before blinking rapidly a few times as if she were lost in thought. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking right now as we get situated in her bed, while she’s wearing what looks like possibly nothing but my shirt, and there’s been a recent shift between us.

I’m not sure where she stands with everything, but hearing her admit she missed me brings a sense of ease that I didn’t realize I needed until now. It gives me hope that someday she’ll miss me as more than just her friend.