Page 1 of Welcome to Ero-TEA-Ca: We’re Open!

Harriet

“ C rumpets! But not just any old crumpets—boob crumpets.”

Harriet looked up from her long list of things she needed to get done. “We’ve got cherry Bakewells and muffins. They cover the breast quota,” she replied, “but I like your thinking.”

“Okay,” Nabi, Harriet’s best friend, murmured. “Titty muffins and Bakewells. Got it. No boob crumpets.”

“We will still serve them, though. Can’t have a breakfast menu without crumpets.”

“No, indeed, we cannot.” Nabi smiled. “Are we missing anything else from the food side of things?”

“Nope. All good. In fact, we have everything. We just need to move it all into the shop.”

Nabi did a little squeal and a happy dance. “I can’t believe we’re almost ready to set up.”

Harriet beamed a smile right back. “I know, right? God, it only feels like yesterday we came up with the concept.”

“Who says you can’t come up with a winning idea when smashed on cheap wine?” Nabi scoffed playfully, her long black hair swishing as she jiggled excitedly.

“My mother,” Harriet replied, grinning.

“Mrs K still not onboard, huh?” Nabi asked, already knowing the answer.

To say Mr and Mrs Kirkwell were less than impressed with their youngest daughter’s latest venture would be an understatement.

Patsy and Ronald Kirkwell were two of the most strait-laced humans on the face of the planet.

They subscribed to Reader’s Digest and Gardener’s World, enjoyed annual trips to Skegness, and believed watching snooker on mute was the only way to enjoy the weekend.

How they’d produced three children was baffling.

Harriet often thought her mum must have gotten pregnant via immaculate conception, because the possibility of her parents getting raunchy was, quite frankly, laughable.

Not to mention, they’d spawned three kids who were the complete opposite of their parents. Diane, the eldest, was a sex therapist to the stars. Kevin made erotic art, and Harriet…well, Harriet was about to open the first erotic tea shop, not just in Oxford, but the whole county of Oxfordshire.

Ero-Tea-Ca was the brainchild of Harriet, Nabi, and Kevin.

Sure, it had come about after one too many merlots, but that didn’t change the fact it was going to be a roaring success.

Diane had even taken time out of her very busy schedule to help her siblings curate a sex-positive environment that hoped to cater to as many people as possible.

Plus, two of the three kids were on the rainbow spectrum.

To be fair to Patsy and Ronald, they’d taken the news their son liked to sleep with men, and their youngest daughter was a card-carrying lesbian, pretty smoothly.

Well, if you discounted the week where Patsy cried because she wouldn’t get the brood of grandkids she wanted, or the fact Ronald had a mild panic attack about having to entertain men who acted like women and women who acted like men.

That antiquated stereotype was the collective belief between the two parents: all lesbians were butch, and all gay men were effeminate.

Thankfully, Diane helped stage an intervention and educated them over the course of a long weekend.

Harriet and Kevin kept their expectations low, but were both pleasantly surprised when they took girlfriends and boyfriends to meet their parents.

Yes, it was awkward, but Mr and Mrs Kirkwell did their British manners proud.

“Ladies, I come bearing gifts,” Kevin announced as he barged through the door, holding a large brown box.

Leaning back in her seat to look around Kevin and at Nabi, Harriet smiled, then chuckled. “Um, to answer your question quickly, Nabi, Mother is not suddenly enthusiastic about supporting the shop.”

“Oh, Mum is going to spit feathers when she sees what I made.” Kevin laughed, placing the box on Harriet’s kitchen table. His face was flushed with excitement. Harriet wondered if she would finally see the big surprise he’d promised a few weeks ago.

Intrigued, Nabi scuttled over to peer inside. “That’s a lot of packing peanuts,” she commented—packing peanuts that would end up all over the kitchen floor if someone didn’t stop Nabi from flicking them in amusement at Kevin.

“Yes, and you will see why in just a second.” Kevin grinned, batting away another Styrofoam missile.

He carefully plunged his hand inside the box, and after a few seconds of rummaging, gently withdrew his arm.

Cradled in his hand was the most beautiful glass dildo Harriet had ever seen.

It was a transparent model with red streaks running through it.

“Oh, Kev, it’s gorgeous!” Harriet gushed. She’d floated the idea a few months back of putting handcrafted dildos or vibrators in gift boxes, but became disheartened when she’d asked for a few quotes through local artists.

“I know,” he breathed. “I have forty ready and waiting at the studio. I didn’t want to tell you about them until I knew I could get them done. Glassblowing isn’t my usual medium, but I asked Kiki to help, and, well, you can see how fantastic they came out.”

“Look at it,” Nabi cooed, her eyes big and bright. “You’ve outdone yourself this time, Kevin.”

“So that’s it, then,” Harriet began, her heart full of joy. “The final product for the gift sets. We have the teapots, cups and saucers, tea, and dildos.”

“I’ll pick up the gift boxes tomorrow from Raine. She’s done a wicked job on the artwork,” Nabi said as she collected another dildo from the box.

“And…guess who got you an interview with Out magazine?” Kevin grinned.

Harriet jumped into his arms. “How the hell did you swing that?” she all but screamed, squeezing him tightly.

Getting their name and the tea shop featured in Out magazine was going to help boost the business magnificently.

Out was Britain’s biggest LGBTQ+ print and digital magazine.

Harriet had been an avid reader of the magazine for the past fourteen years, picking up her first copy at the tender age of sixteen, when all she could think about were girls and how much she liked looking at their boobs.

“I called in a favour. Remember Pinky? Well, they owed me one after…never mind, let’s just say they were more than happy to help us out. Anyway, Boadicea…you know her, right?”

“I’ve never met a Boadicea in my life, Kev.” Harriet laughed.

“Really? I thought you met at Gogo’s Pride party last year?”

“Boadicea? Really?” Nabi asked. “Who the hell calls their kid Boadicea?”

“Her parents, obviously,” Kevin deadpanned. “So, Boadicea Harrington-Smythe—”

“Now you’re just fucking with us,” Nabi laughed. “No way is that her actual name!”

“Jesus wept. Would you stop interrupting?” Kevin laughed.

“And yes, it is her full name. She comes from old money, but she’s no trust fund baby.

I mean, I bet she has a trust fund that could bankroll a small country, but the point is, Boadicea has worked hard to make a name for herself.

She’s the reporter everyone wants to write about them, and we happen to have that chance.

Not only are we going to be featured in the magazine, but they’re sending Boadicea to do the article. This is going to be huge for the shop!”

Harriet finally let go of Kevin and sat down.

Her dream was finally coming to fruition, and she suddenly felt lightheaded.

The dreamer of the three, Harriet, had struggled for years to find something she wanted to do.

Diane and Kevin found their passions early in life, but Harriet never quite pinpointed what made her happy.

That was until one fateful night when Harriet’s best friend and brother came over after she was dumped by stupid Georgina.

They mainlined merlot and started talking about the future.

It was Nabi who said Harriet should do something with tea, because the woman knew Harriet was obsessed.

Her pantry was like a small tea shop in itself.

Then Kevin suggested she should open a sex shop, because Harriet’s toy collection was just as impressive as her tea selection.

Harriet then merged the two ideas together, and voila! The Ero-Tea-Ca tea shop was born.

The morning after the brilliant idea, Harriet dived in headfirst and hadn’t stopped working until the tea shop was no longer just an idea, but a reality. She’d had support from both her brother and sister, plus Nabi and several other friends. It was just her parents that couldn’t get behind it.

“When is Boadicea coming to do the interview?” Harriet asked, her face feeling a little numb.

“Opening day,” Kevin replied. “Hey, Harriet, take a breath, okay?”

“Is it that obvious I’m panicking?” She laughed.

“Yes,” Nabi answered, still taking out dildos. “But that’s cool. You can get nervous with us. We have your back, my little chickadee.”

“We do,” Kevin reiterated, squeezing Harriet’s hand. “And it’s totally normal to freak out a bit. God, can’t you remember the state I was in when I did my first gallery show?”

“Yeah, he was a thousand times worse than you,” Nabi commented. “And he had bright pink hair, which was a travesty.”

They all laughed. Kevin had looked ridiculous with pink hair.

“I just want it to work, you know? I finally feel like I’m doing something I love, and I don’t want it to fail,” Harriet said, returning Kevin’s hand squeeze.

“Ugh, you’ve let Mum and Dad get under your skin.

Listen, Harriet, you’ve done the market research and spoken to God knows how many people in the industry.

Ero-Tea-Ca will work because it’s unique.

The British love their tea! Plus, unlike our alien parents, they also love sex.

The world is changing, and people are open to sex positivity like never before.

Your tea shop is offering a space where the public can indulge in fine teas from around the world, catered to the body’s every need…

plus, treat their naughty side. And yet, you’ve managed to keep the elegance of a traditional English tea shop. ”