Page 23 of Wayfinder (The Outlander Book Club… in Space! #5)
As rooms went, it was a nice one. The walls featured elegant tapestries, and a large window provided a breathtaking view of the expanse of space, adorned with sparkling stars.
One side of the room held an enormous bed, piled with blankets and pillows, the other side held a small sitting area along with a doorway leading to the alien version of a bathroom.
Despite the luxurious surroundings, I didn’t feel at ease here. My heart longed for the familiar comforts of the kitchen, but I couldn’t bear to be there now. I needed solitude and privacy, a place to nurse what I would never claim was a broken heart despite the pain.
I’d left Deema and Aqsa to finish up the Baron’s dinner.
They’d noticed my red, puffy eyes, but I’d brushed it off as exhaustion from the competition.
Normally, cooking cured any ailment, the repetitive movement and creative outlet proved perfect numbing agents.
Not anymore. I’d lowered my guard and let Jutuk become a part of that world, and try as I might, there was no way to compartmentalize him from the place I loved most.
Once again, I had fallen for the wrong man.
The trouble was, Jutuk didn’t feel like the wrong guy.
He felt right... so right that it made the pang of thinking he didn’t want me almost too much to bear.
Jutuk was everything I’d ever wanted. Tall and strong, with a mischievous glint in his eyes and a lopsided smile that made my heart flutter.
Not to mention loyal, protective, and so damn sweet I could barely stand it.
The memory of his touch lingered on my skin, sending an unwanted shiver down my spine.
The hunger and longing in his eyes had mirrored my own desire, making me believe that what we had together was something more.
.. something precious. But then he turned away from me when I brought up our future, a silent rejection that cut deep.
How had I misread the signals so completely?
How could someone who seemed to want me so badly suddenly turn cold?
The uncertainty and confusion clawed at my heart, leaving me questioning everything I thought I knew about him. .. and myself.
A sudden sharp knock caused my heart to jump in surprise. I quickly wiped away the tear tracks remaining on my cheeks, trying to muster a neutral facade, and expecting to find Deema or Aqsa when I swung open the door.
Shit!
Jutuk stood on the other side, his devastatingly handsome smile fading as his golden eyes scanned my face. On the heels of an ugly cry, I must be a sight. Even without a mirror, I knew my eyes and nose were red and swollen.
Concern masked his features, and without asking, he stepped inside, closing the door behind him. “My Pearl, what is wrong? I went to the kitchen, but Deema and Aqsa told me you are not preparing the Baron’s dinner tonight.”
“Nothing.” I turned my back to him, trying with every modicum of control I possessed to keep my emotions from raging.
“Don’t lie to me, my Pearl. What troubles you?”
His voice was gentle, causing a pull towards him that I couldn’t resist. It sounded like he genuinely cared, but my mind raged with doubt. Was the hint of affection real or just a facade? I wanted to believe it, but my heart couldn’t take another stab of rejection.
I turned to face him, tears hot against my lashes. “What do you want?” My voice sounded bitten and weak.
Jutuk’s expression softened as he reached out to touch my cheek. “I want you, my beautiful and perfect Pearl,” he said sincerely, his husky voice making my knees weak.
Without a moment to gather my thoughts, Jutuk’s muscular arms enveloped me, pulling me close against his chest. His lips captured mine in a deep, lingering kiss, igniting a fire that spread through my entire body.
I could feel the warmth of his breath against my skin as I melted into him, my fingers gripping the muscles of his broad shoulders.
The sensation was overwhelming, but I gave into it willingly, losing myself in the passion of the moment. I loved him. I loved him so damn much.
But my heart couldn’t take this.
Somewhere, I found the strength to wrench my lips from his, even though his arms remained wrapped tight around me.
“Please. Please stop.”
“I thought you liked our kisses,” Jutuk murmured, his warm breath tickling my ear as his rich, husky voice sent shivers down my spine.
“I do.” I moaned in defeat, then pleaded. “Which is why you have to stop.” I felt the hot wash of tears breach my lashes and flow over my cheeks. I took a deep breath, my voice little more than a whimpered sob. “I can’t. I can’t do this.”
Jutuk raised his head to gaze at me, his golden eyes swimming with concern. His fingertips brushed away the track of my tears, as gentle as a butterfly’s wing against my skin.
“I thought you wanted to stay together.” There was confusion in his tone, but something else, something deeper.
“I do,” I admitted. What was the point of denial at this point? “But it’s obvious you don’t. Earlier, when I asked you about staying together....” I couldn’t help the sob that broke my voice. “You walked away from me.”
Jutuk’s exhalation was heavy and regretful. He cupped my face, the affection in his golden gaze so intense it made me gasp, my heart fluttering with both hope and fear.
“My Pearl. I have been wrong about so many things, but the one thing that has not been wrong is my desire for you.”
A kernel of hope fluttered in the pit of my stomach, but I forced myself to remain skeptical. I’d had my heart shattered before. “If that’s true, why did you walk away from me?”
Jutuk’s sigh was heavy and weighted with emotion, but it wasn’t a guilty one. Donovan had given me enough of those that I recognized one when I heard it. No, this sigh was different. It carried pure, honest regret, the kind that tugs at your heartstrings.
Gently, he scooped me up into his arms and carried me a few feet to the bed.
His heavy weight sank down on the mattress, and he cradled me in his lap, an arm around my waist, keeping me pulled tight against his chest. The blankets rustled under his movement, and my mind filled with recollection of the last time we’d rustled the sheets.
The way he held me wasn’t seduction, though I could feel the hardness of his arousal pressing against my thighs.
This was an embrace of comfort, his arms wrapping around me like a warm blanket on a chilly night.
I relaxed against him, feeling safe and cherished.
My heart might end up in pieces, but I let myself melt into the embrace of the man I loved.
“Did I ever tell you about the Vaktaire mating ritual?” His voice was soft and studied, the cadence keeping rhythm with the fingers stroking through my hair.
“No.” During my time at the Baron’s estate, I learned some species believed in fated mates, but nothing specific about the Vaktaire.
“When a Vaktaire mates, his heartbeat and that of his mates come together to beat in unison forevermore.” Jutuk trailed a gentle finger downward, over my shoulder to rest in the valley between my breasts where my heart hammered.
“That’s romantic,” I murmured. I’d never been into romantic fantasy, but the idea of having one’s heartbeat beat in unison with one’s beloved appealed to me.
I felt Jutuk’s lips curve against my hairline.
“Yes, but it can also be painful and dangerous.” He gave another sigh, and when he spoke again, his voice held a bitter tone.
“The priestesses on my planet that oversee the valakana, the ritual where two mates come together, have always claimed that species other than the Vaktaire are too weak to survive the valakana. And I believed them.” Another deep, heavy sigh. “But I was wrong.”
“You were?” I pulled back to look at him, startled by the regret shining in his golden gaze.
My heart ached to ease him, and I traced the lines of his face, trying to decipher the emotions swirling within him.
His eyes held a depth that I’d never seen before, like pools of liquid gold reflecting both sorrow and longing.
“Jala informed me of a plot by the priestesses on my home world. A plot to keep the Vaktaire bloodline pure.” His voice took on an angry tone, every syllable dragged over rocks.
I could understand.
“We had somebody like that on Earth, too. A guy named Hitler.”
Jutuk’s angry snort sent a rush of warm air over my cheeks. “Our priestesses are corrupt. My parents were working to gather information that the priestesses purposefully killed other species to further their lies but died because of the treachery.”
“I’m so sorry, Jutuk.” I felt a hot wash of tears gathering. As much as he’d broken my heart, I’d tear out my own soul to keep him from suffering pain.
“My parents were true mates.” His anger seemed to evaporate at the memory, and a warm palm cupped my cheek. “They enjoyed a bond so deep... it was what I desired from a mating.”
“I understand.” I took a deep breath, fighting against the tears.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want me, he did.
But I could never be what he truly desired.
A true mate. The pain settled in my chest like a heavyweight, suffocating me from the inside out.
Even though the thought shattered my heart, I couldn’t bring myself to make him feel bad about it.
I loved Jutuk enough to want him to be happy.
His fingertips stroked my face, golden eyes bright as he gazed at me with so much affection it took my breath away. “I was so blinded by the priestess’s lies. I couldn’t see that I had found everything I ever wanted.”
“Wh... what?” I stuttered, that annoying little ray of hope blooming into a kaleidoscope.
Jutuk cupped my face between his hands, brushing his lips gently over mine. “You, Pearl. You are bold, brash, determined, and stubborn. You are the most perfect, wonderful female I have ever known. I thought it was impossible, but now I know better.”