Page 9 of Walking on Broken Paths

“I was a dick,” he said, finally finishing his sentence.

“Worse than that, I was a bully.” He stared straight ahead at the yellowed grass and the fence dividing his property from the one behind him.

He couldn’t look at Parker. Didn’t want to see his reaction.

“Hockey was a distraction, but off the ice, I wanted everyone to hurt like I was hurting, and I found any excuse to put people down. My billet family got the brunt of it, but I was pretty bad at school too. Shoving people into lockers, verbally abusing the queer kids. To be honest, I was lucky to never be found out by my coaches, otherwise I would’ve no doubt been kicked off the team.

It followed me into NHL hockey too. Any excuse to belittle my teammates and the staff was like gold.

Of course, unlike the high school kids, they fought back, but that was just added fuel to make me push harder. ”

Parker’s shoulder had tensed against his, and his voice was thready when he said, “The queer kids? But... aren’t you...?”

“Queer as fuck?” Jesse let out a hard bark of a laugh that ripped something apart inside him.

“Yup. Didn’t matter. Like I said, any excuse to make someone hurt.

” Letting out a long breath, he passed a hand over his face.

“I’m not proud of it, Parks. I often wish I could take it back, but I’ve got to sit with the guilt and shame that I made others feel like.

.. well, probably like the dirt on the bottom of someone’s shoe. ”

Parker was silent for a moment. Jesse would’ve worried if Parker’s shoulder hadn’t lost its stiffness.

No, scratch that. He was worried about what Parker might think of him now that the truth of who Jesse had become in his grief and anger was out there.

It wasn’t pretty.

“What made you stop?” Parker asked, his voice soft.

“My former coach. Vernier coaches in Quebec now, but he was key to me getting my head on straight. He caught me bullying one of the kitchen staff and...”

Following Coach to his office, noting the rigid set of Coach’s back and knowing he was about to be traded because Coach didn’t want to deal with his shit.

Sitting in the office across from Coach, determined not to let the disappointment show when Coach told him he was done.

Frowning when Coach showed him a framed photo that he kept on his desk, wondering who the teenager in the picture was and why he mattered.

“That’s my son,” Coach Vernier had said a little shakily. “Eric. He had a learning disability that he was bullied so frequently for that he took his own life six years ago to escape it.”

Jesse had sucked in a sharp breath, and his eyes had immediately filled. It had felt like his chest had hollowed out and he’d had to force himself to keep breathing.

“Your actions have consequences, Melnik,” Coach had continued gently. “I’m really sorry about your brother.”

Frozen, Jesse had opened his mouth to ask how Coach knew, but the words got stuck in his throat.

“But that’s not an excuse for what I just saw out there.

” Coach had tilted his head toward the hallway.

“You’re angry and sad and hurting. I understand that, believe me.

But the way you’ve been dealing with it isn’t healthy for you or anybody else.

I need you to really think the next time you open your mouth to speak.

Think about if what you’re about to say is something you’d ever say to your brother or allow anyone else to get away with saying to him. ”

Now, Jesse wiped his wet eyes on his shoulder.

“He was the first person to acknowledge that I wasn’t just sad,” he told Parker, “I was also angry. How dare Mikey take his own life? How dare he leave us instead of talking to me or our parents or someone about what was bothering him?” Rolling his shoulders, Jesse let the old anger roll off his back.

He had no use for it anymore, and he didn’t want to be angry with Mikey.

He wanted to remember the good that had been Mikey without anger tainting his memories.

“Coach became a mock therapist of sorts for a while. He’d been through something similar, and it was nice to talk to someone who understood what I was going through.

But eventually, he suggested I start grief counselling, and I’ve been doing it ever since. ”

Twice a month, like clockwork.

Parker took the beer Jesse had forgotten about out of his hands, set it aside, and twined their fingers together.

The touch jolted through Jesse, familiar and foreign at once.

Familiar because it was Parker—even all these years later, he was still so familiar.

Foreign because it had been a long time since Jesse had let himself be touched in a way that was kind.

“Did the therapy help?” Parker asked.

“Immensely. Helped me realize a whole bunch of stuff.”

That what had happened to Mikey hadn’t been Mikey’s fault, nor had it been Jesse’s.

That the grief was never-ending. It was—and always would be—present in his life, though how he dealt with it was up to him.

That the more he talked about Mikey, the more it kept his memory alive.

“Until I started therapy,” he said, “I didn’t realize that I was lashing out because I was desperate for someone to see how badly I was hurting. And Coach did. He saved me from myself.”

“I’m glad you had that,” Parker said, giving his fingers a squeeze. “And I’m glad you got the help you needed. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to keep in touch after you left.” His smile was sad. “I wish I could’ve been the shoulder you cried on.”

“That’s not your fault, Parks.” Jesse swallowed past the lump in his throat.

“I needed to be as far away from the places and people that reminded me of Mikey as I could get. You could’ve tried until you were blue in the face, but there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to get me to listen or accept your support. ”

Wind sighed through the trees, smelling of charcoal from someone’s barbecue. Somewhere nearby, a dog barked, deep and sonorous. A butterfly flittered past, its grey-and-pink wings taking it over the fence and into the neighbour’s yard.

With the sun shining from a clear blue sky and Parker sitting next to him and the sound of the wind shaking the leaves, this was the most at peace Jesse had felt in a long time.

“I’m sorry too, you know,” Jesse said. “For leaving and cutting you off.”

Parker didn’t say anything, but he rested his head on Jesse’s shoulder, his dark hair tickling Jesse’s jaw, and they sat like that until their dinner arrived.