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THIRTY-NINE

Vlad

H earing Inessa repeat what haunts me is the last thing I fucking remember. There’s pink running down her thighs and for a split second I think I’ve become the thing I despise. Blood coats my body, but it’s the color on her perfect skin that has me sinking. I can’t see her face and she’s not moving. Her head is buried in the sheets because I fucking held her there. The sheets under her face are wet, tears. Fuck, she’s going to have blank eyes. Why does she always have to fucking talk?!

The little lines where the strands bit into my skin show how badly I fucked up as I untangle her hair from my fingers. When her back moves with her breathing, I relax and turn her so she’s on her side. My mouth opens automatically, an apology trying to form, but it doesn’t leave. What I can’t do verbally, I do physically and press my lips to her forehead with a promise of not losing control again.

There’s blood all over the sheets but she’ll be cold without anything covering her and I pull them up to her chin before leaving. An iron band wraps itself around my chest and I can’t draw in a breath as I leave her there. I leave her on her fucking side with tears streaming down her face and blood on her skin. It’s the one thing I would never do, and I fucking did it.

I’ve made myself into the biggest cunt to exist to prevent this fucking shit. Fear would stop anyone attempting to get close or trying to pay bullshit compliments. Becoming the devil kept it all away and it would never fucking happen again. I turned pain into fucking power and now it’s pain again. But it’s not my own, it’s Inessa’s and I can’t see blank eyes. Blank eyes will destroy me, they’ll be the biggest death I’ve had to encounter in my adult life.

Pushing into the private office with too much force has the lock snapping in my hand. The useless fucking thing should be able to withstand force, it’s a lock, for fuck’s sake. Violence sits under my skin, and I know the remedy as I load the server. One of the sick fuckers can be my outlet, some creepy little fuck who is loved and respected by the community while getting their rocks off to people’s torment.

My usual search has new results that have me hesitating. It’s always the same still shown at the beginning of the video, but there’s one that’s different. Younger. Needing to torture myself, my hand moves and the memory I didn’t know I had comes back with the video playing.