Page 85 of Vipers and Vendettas

‘Is that where they?—’

I nod. ‘When I smell a certain disinfectant, it makes me hyperventilate. When there’s a big meal in front of me, I have to stop myself from putting some in my pocket for later in case I don’t get fed again for a while.’

‘I’ve never told anyone that.’ I look down at my hands with a small laugh. ‘It’s so stupid.’

‘It’s not stupid, Jules,’ Daemon says quietly. ‘Thank you for telling me.’

He sits down next to me, not saying anything for a few minutes. I feel his eyes on me, but I keep staring at my hands uncomfortably.

‘I find it difficult to be in the same room as vamps,’ he whispers. ‘Even one, even when they’re not McCathrie’s. They kept me starved and drugged for months. They used conjures to make me forget clients, the ones who were important, I guess. Some things I remember, but there’s a lot I don’t. Sometimes it’s just a bad feeling, the wisp of a memory I can’t quite recall, and it’s … There have been times in the club when I can feel some supe’s eyes on me, and I wonder if they were one of the Johns.’ His jaw tightens. ‘I’d never know it. They’d know me, have memories of me in that place, but I wouldn’t remember what they did or even that I’d ever seen them.’

‘I’m so sorry they did that to you,’ I say as I look up at him, trying not to sound pitying because I’d hate to hear it in his voice if it were me.

He sighs. ‘I should never have made the deal, but I was in deep, and I thought I knew suffering. My dad was a real son of a bitch … I figured it couldn’t be that bad.’ He shakes his head and lets out a laugh. ‘I deserved it for being that stupidly arrogant.’

‘No, you didn’t,’ I say. ‘Not any more than I deserved what was done to me.’

He glances at me. ‘I guess we both had a bad time of it, huh?’

I give him a small smile. ‘That might just be the understatement of the year.’

He snorts. ‘Probably.’

‘You know that day when I,’ he grimaces,’ when I messed with your conjure. I didn’t know, Jules. I shouldn’t have done it. I know that. But I had no idea … when I sawyouand how much I’d hurt you, I hated myself more than you can imagine. When I made you feel like that, I realized how pathetic I was, that I had no business being part of the clan. Maddox was right to kick me out.’

I wince when I remember that day in the barn. ‘Thatwasa really shitty thing to do,’ I whisper. ‘I have the conjure becauseIdidn’t want to see the reminders every day and because they’d have caused a problem if anyone saw them and it got back tohim. When I met you and the others, I realized that I didn’t want you all to see them for a different reason.’ I take a small breath. ‘I wanted you guys to think I was pretty,’ I whisper.

I give myself a self-deprecating roll of my eyes.

‘All the problems I had, and I didn’t want some cute guys to see my ugly scars. I’m pretty sure I’m the pathetic one if we’re handing out badges.’

‘Jules,’ Daemon breathes.

He puts two hands on my knees, careful not to touch my bare skin, and squeezes them.

‘In case no one has told you, you’re beautiful.’

I scoff. ‘Stop.’

‘Enough,’ he says forcefully. ‘You’re the most utterly beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I thought that the moment I met you in that bar, and I still think it now. The scars don’t change that. Live life without the conjure if you want. It makes no difference to me, and I it won’t make any difference to the others either.’

I stare into his eyes. ‘I missed you,’ I whisper.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I haven’t seen the Daemon I knew since I stole the money. Remember, we watched a movie the night before? I fell asleep between you and Axel.’

‘I remember,’ he says quietly.

‘I left as soon as I could after that,’ I murmur.

‘Why?’

‘Because I knew if I didn’t, I never would,’ I whisper.

His hands tighten on my knees again for a second, and his eyes shine with longing.

I lean back on the couch and take a breath. I need them to know everything, I decide. I want them to. I’m sick of hiding.