Page 6

Chapter five

Anna

I nside the greenhouse it’s easy to ignore that fall is upon us. I wriggle out of my sweater and fan my face with my hand. If it wasn’t for the leaves fluttering from the mature trees and landing on the panes of foggy glass, you could pretend you were in perpetual summer.

“Is this right?” I tilt the plastic cup toward Ashlyn to show her the knuckle deep impression I made in the soil.

“Yep. Now drop in the seed and cover it up.”

Gardening may not be my hobby of choice, but I can see the appeal of tucking yourself into the warm, rich air of her handmade greenhouse. I squint at the tray of teardrop shaped lettuce seeds, pinching a few between my thumb and index finger before placing them into their temporary home.

“You’re going to be drowning in lettuce.”

“Hope so. Oh, Isaac and I booked our flights for next month. You’ll give them a bit of water for me that week, right?”

I finish planting another lettuce and set it on the shelf above the table where we work. I can see Isaac’s workshop through the glass and I wonder if Chris will be in there at any point today.

“Hmm?” I must have zoned out in the rhythm of my task.

“Our flights to Ontario. We booked them.”

Right. Ashlyn is taking Isaac home to meet her family. It’s been five years since one of my mom’s guilt trips worked and got me on a red-eye to Toronto. That visit started off okay. Getting to see my aunt and uncle and some other cousins was nice. But having to listen to Thad talk non-stop about his church and then interrogate me about my lifestyle? Enough was enough. We got in a shouting match and my mom didn’t come to my defence once. Just stared into her mashed potatoes like she didn’t even hear her husband tell her daughter she’s going to hell. I paid to bump my flight up a day, citing some windy weather that made me worried my regular flight would be cancelled. I don’t even like flying and I still felt more relaxed on that journey home than I did under Thad’s interrogation about my moral compass.

“Do you want me to drive you to the airport?” I ask Ashlyn.

Ashlyn’s expression is quizzical. “That’s what I just asked. Anna, are you okay? Is it too hot in here? I can open a window at the top.”

Suddenly, I have an overwhelming urge to get things off my chest. Everything feels so heavy, like the humid air is clinging to my troubles and giving them extra weight.

“I lied about going all the way with Darren,” I blurt.

She tips her head to the side while she takes that in and places who I’m talking about.

“That guy you dated last year?”

I nod. “Yeah, we never did have sex. I’m still a virgin.”

“Why did you…” she considers her words, “Why did you think you couldn’t be honest with me about that? I don’t care if you’ve had sex, Anna. It’s not important.”

Sure feels important to me. I guess you can say that when you’re getting it on the regular in every room of your heritage house. I glance at the table covered in spilled soil and seed packets. They better not have done it in here .

“I don’t need it to be some big production. But Darren…” The tears that spill over my sweaty cheeks feel impossibly hot.

Ashlyn’s expression grows fierce, her deep brown eyes narrowing.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No! Not like that ,” I clarify.

I tell her about how I was so hopeful that Darren might have been the right guy to finally go all the way with. I let my tears flow freely as I explain how wrong I was. Something about the snug space feels safe, and there’s no other person in the world that I’m more comfortable with. Crying on Ashlyn’s bed as a girl while she rubbed my back was practically a routine. Her house was a respite for me growing up. I had as many sleepovers at her place as possible. Keeping this secret all bottled up from her was silly.

She takes me by the shoulders, looking right into the centre of my eyes. “He should be embarrassed, Anna. Not you. What a grade-A asshole. And I still hate Thad for all the crap he put in your head. It’s wrong.”

I squeeze my cousin’s shoulder to calm her.

“I know that now . But I’m still really gun-shy. I haven’t even been on a coffee date with anybody since. How lame is that? ”

“I’d say forgoing dating for a long while after an experience like that is perfectly acceptable. Hell, I might swear men off forever.”

“Believe me. It crossed my mind.”

We each plant a few more lettuce starts. Condensation drips down the glass and I raise my head in time to see geese flying overhead in an uneven v-formation.

“I want to try again.”

Her shoulder nudges mine. “Oh? Anyone in mind?”

I glance over at the deck and every detail of the other night comes back in full force. His scent, his warm arms, his flirtation.

“Someone like Chris.”

I’m filled with intense longing to be close to him again. Am I really going to let Darren, or Thad, or hallway guy keep me from giving this new thing with Chris a chance?

“How much like Chris are we talking about?” she asks.

“Just, you know…the whole DNA sequence.”

She bursts into laughter, and I can’t help pulling off the floral work gloves she lent me and fisting my hands on my hips.

“What is so funny?” I swat her with one of the gloves.

Every time she starts to sober, a fresh fit of giggles overtakes her until she’s bent in half. The corners of my lips twitch. I still don’t even know why she’s laughing but a moment later I’m bent in half and gasping for air too.

“It’s just that…” She sucks in a breath. “I know you’ve liked him for a long time, but I think he thinks you hate him. Do you know the way you look at him? I’m surprised you haven’t put a curse on him or something.”

I wrinkle my nose. “I don’t look at him like I hate him.”

I wrack my brain, but of course I’m not able to come up with any evidence to dispute her claim. You can’t see yourself glaring at other people.

“Shit, is that what I’ve been doing?”

Ashlyn nods, getting herself together at last.

Oh my God.

“I think I’ve been keeping him at arm's length. I figured that if a guy like Darren didn’t want to take the time to, um, help me figure things out, that someone like Chris certainly won’t.”

She tips her head in a sympathetic gesture. “Chris may be a little wild but he’s not an asshole. If you can be honest with what you need from him, I think he’ll deliver.” She bounces her eyebrows on the last word.

“I’m going to cut his hair. If he makes an appointment, that is.” I check the time on my phone.

“Speaking of which, I should pop into the salon. Thanks for listening to all that. ”

“Go get you some of that Chris DNA.”

“Ashlyn.” I shake my head slowly. “Ew.”

My cousin wrinkles her nose. “I didn’t mean it like that. Yeah, I grossed myself out too. Do you want me to walk you out?”

“Nope. I’m good.”

I drape my knit sweater over my shoulders and breathe in the earthy smells of falling leaves and a lavender bush on its last legs. As I walk toward my car at the front of the house, my phone buzzes, and for one sweet moment, I think it’s Chris before remembering that I didn’t give him my personal number. My mom’s name and a text flash on the screen. Any feelings of levity that came from unburdening myself to my cousin are gone in an instant. A tightness in my chest takes over as I open the message.

Mom:

Would really like to talk. Call me when you have some time. Love you

My birthday isn’t until the New Year so I suppose this is the annual are you coming home for Christmas? talk. No, thanks. I’d rather discuss my car's extended warranty. I plug my phone in to charge, choose some music, and drive to work with the hopes that a certain someone will appear on my schedule.