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11

SHILOH

A chill, similar to that of yesterday, has settled in my bones throughout the day. A soul-numbing cold I can’t shake.

Of course I can’t. There’s no shaking Kaleb.

Even though I haven’t seen him around today.

He’s here.

Physically, he shouldn’t have been able to get into campus. The security at the front gates wouldn’t let him in.

And yet.

“That’ll be all for today.” My clinical psychology professor, Joe Dempsey, runs a hand through his short, thick blond hair.

A soft sigh comes from somewhere inside the classroom. One of those almost always escapes whenever he rubs his scruff or his hair like that.

The girls and some of the boys here have a serious crush on him.

He won’t acknowledge it, though. His blue gaze is constantly harsh, his expression serious .

He goes so far as to create physical boundaries between him and us. When a student waits to talk to him after class is over, he’ll ask his TA, Eddy, to stick around.

Eddy is a pretty decent guy. Or at least he wasn’t a bad one back then. He and Kaleb went to school together. I remember his picture from Kaleb’s yearbook, the one my stepbrother didn’t get to see.

They delivered it to our home the summer after he was sent to Berkshire. I don’t know why his school did that, why they sent us a yearbook full of hate.

Freak. Murderer. Psycho.

So many cruel messages. Signed, too.

I cried for days over it. Over their hateful words.

Eddy’s wasn’t among them.

I feel safe around Eddy, which I can’t say about most men.

Being in an all-girls boarding school saved me from having to face my fears of my assault a second time. During my undergrad, I mainly kept to myself.

The only person who could hurt me is Kaleb. He’s the only one I want to hurt me.

In another world. Another reality, where he wasn’t on the run.

I need to keep him safe.

While I wait, watching a couple of students stand by his desk, I gather my things. I do my best not to think about my stepbrother and if he’s okay as I slip my laptop into my side bag. If he has a place to stay. Something to eat .

If he’s here on campus and would attack me as soon as I step out of the building. It’s dark outside. It would be easy for him.

My stomach churns. My lips pinch. I scoff at myself.

I won’t be rattled. I won’t live in a constant state of arousal.

I won’t.

“Hey, Shiloh.” Eddy materializes out of nowhere, lowering himself to the seat next to me.

He doesn’t look anything like Professor Dempsey. His black hair is styled in a short buzz cut. Light gray eyes aimed inwardly. My teacher bursts with confidence, while Eddy gives off vibes that he would rather be anywhere else.

“Hey.” I sneak a glance at Professor Dempsey. Still there. Back to Eddy, the genius who was able to cram his bachelor’s and master’s degrees in just five years and is now working on his PhD. The one who hardly ever approaches me. “What’s up?”

His brow furrows. “I’m going to cut right to the chase.”

Being this direct—especially with me—is out of character for him. He has something important to tell me, and I’m not going to like it.

It takes me less than a second to figure out what this is all about.

Kaleb.

Hot righteousness bubbles in my throat. My shoulders are square.

How dare he ?

Kaleb and I might be in our own private war, in our own version of hell, but he’s mine.

No one’s allowed to talk shit about him.

I’ll tell Marina as much next time I see her.

I squint my eyes at him. He flinches. “What is it?”

“Should I be worried?” Eddy smooths his hands over his plaid sweater. “Before you get defensive, I don’t judge you for hiding him, if you are, and?—”

“Eddy, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“—in fact?—”

“Shut up,” I snap, doing so as quietly as possible so my teacher won’t overhear.

“Hey, all I’m saying is that I would’ve done the same for my brother.” What is it with the men in my life? Why can’t they listen? “But here’s the thing.”

My gaze skates to the front of the class. Only one student is left talking to Professor Dempsey.

“What’s the thing , Eddy?”

“I’m concerned he might show up here.”

He.

He .

As if he doesn’t have a name. As if Kaleb is a freak, the boogeyman everyone said he is.

I’m seething. Growling. Then I pull it together and roll my eyes.

“It’s a serious concern, Shiloh,” he emphasizes.

That does it. I’ve had it up to fucking here. Up to my eyeballs .

Kaleb scares me, too. So much. But so do many of the people we read about in our psychology books.

He’s a person like them, damn it.

He saved me. He’s just as worthy of therapy. Of acceptance.

Being understood isn’t a privilege. It’s a right.

The world has neglected my stepbrother for far too long. They left him to rot in a psychiatric hospital for killing the assholes who assaulted me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I can’t even blame him for killing the guard and driver in his attempt to get out. Eddy watches me as the cogs turn in my head, his expression one of curiosity.

I understand Kaleb. I understand now why he took from me instead of asking for what he wanted.

He’s misunderstood and he needs me. I need him too. Down to my marrow.

We’ll have a conversation about boundaries.

Which Eddy won’t hear about.

As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Kaleb has never hurt me and never will. I won’t give them another reason to hate him. To think he’s any less worthy of fundamental human rights.

“Why is that, exactly?” My eyebrows crush together. Eddy jerks back, the movement rattling his chair. “He’s been away for eleven years. Been treated by the best doctors. He’s not a rabid animal. He deserves to be understood. Treated. Cared for. He deserves a second chance rather than hate and judgment. ”

“Holy shit.” His pupils are huge. Cheeks pale. “You are hiding him.”

“Am not!” That was a little too loud. My teacher clears his throat, and when I steal a glance at him to apologize, he’s smirking? “Sorry,” I whisper, then turn to Eddy and his huge, dumb eyes. “I have no idea where he is. All I know is that life fucked him over. We’re trying to help people get better here. Come to terms with who they are. Without judgment. Yet here you are, ready to label him and cast him aside.”

I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth. Eddy could have my ass kicked out of this class for it. Ban me from campus for good, maybe. It could give Dad a good excuse to commit me.

Fix this , a voice in my head demands as Eddy wrings his hands nervously.

“As his favorite person”—emphasis on the favorite —“I know him. He’s a good person. But to your question, no, I’m not hiding him. You don’t have to be worried about anything. You should, however, check your attitude. You’re disrespecting this school and our profession when you talk like that.”

“R-right.”

“Good.” The word is barely out before Eddy flies out of his chair.

“Eddy, where are you going?” Professor Dempsey calls after him.

“Stomach bug!” he shouts from the hall, his shoes thumping as he hurries out into the hallway.

“Is he okay?” My teacher looks at me for explanations. Just him, since the student who talked to him is already gone .

“No idea.” I sling my bag over my shoulder and get up.

“I’ll check on him later.” He shrugs on his leather jacket and heads out.

The feeling of being watched is ever-present. My skin burns with it. Except this isn’t the time to look for Kaleb. It’s time to help us both.

Using my most confident voice, I hurry toward the front of the class. “Professor Dempsey, may I speak with you for a moment?”

“Sure.” Oddly enough, he doesn’t hesitate. Doesn’t mention that Eddy’s gone or that we should talk tomorrow.

Well, it isn’t that odd. It would be rude to blow me off, right?

Right.

When I get close to him, I stop within arm’s reach. Never closer. Ever.

“What’s up?” He tips his head, staring at me. He’s shorter than Kaleb, but still well over six feet tall.

I waitfor him to repeat Eddy’s words, or worse.

Your infamous psycho brother is on the run. You being here is a risk. I’m sorry, but you’re out.

One beat. Two beats. Three.

My hopes rise, rise, and rise. There are those people who don’t watch the news. Professor Dempsey might be one of them. Plus, he isn’t from around here. He moved to Seattle from New York two years ago, according to his resume.

With the way my dad rushed to kill the news reports, it’s possible that he’s never heard of Kaleb.

Four. Five. Six .

Exceptfor a brief glance at my lips, Professor Dempsey gives me nothing.

My stomach dips, unease creeping up my spine.

He’s tired. His eyes are droopy because it’s the end of the day.

Instead of freaking out, I focus on the task at hand. “I think I’m ready to start my supervised clinical practice. I know I have two more years before I can start, but I would really appreciate it if you would consider my request.

“Hmm.” He isn’t taken aback by my direct request, nodding almost to himself. His eyes are back on mine. “You think you’re ready?”

“I know I am.” Pressure builds in my temples. It’s the urgency, the need to get it started. That, and the pressure cooker my life has been for the last two days. “I think—No, I’m confident that I’m ready. Please. Let me sit in on the next one. Let me prove myself.”

His hand raises. I think he’s going to cut through the air. Tell me no.

He doesn’t. He steps closer. Runs his knuckles on my shoulder, then my arm.

Touching me.

A proverbial ice bucket douses me. A sudden cold grips my lungs, and I gasp, grimacing away from his touch. Pulling back until his hand falls to his side.

Eyebrow raised, he stares at me. His expression reflects confidence, serenity. It sends a message that he meant no harm.

I must be overreacting, then. After what Kaleb’s put me through, combined with my fucked-up past, it’s possible. I’m sensitive and distraught. Paranoid .

If Professor Dempsey wanted to assault me, he could’ve done it by now. We’re alone. He’s stronger.

He could overpower me.

He hasn’t.

“Your grades are solid. You do well in class. Okay, let’s give it a try.” His face is serious, professional. At that, air flows back into my lungs. “Be here tomorrow at five. We have three new volunteers for the practice hours. Since this is your first time, I’ll choose a fourth volunteer tonight and interview them while you observe next to me.”

The touching incident disintegrates into nothing. This opportunity—this good news—is everything I could’ve hoped for.

A rare smile slashes across my face. “I won’t let you down.”

His eyes crinkle at the corners. His expression isopen and kind. I was worried over nothing. “These hours won’t count for your internship, as you well know.”

“Yes, I know. And it’s totally okay. I’m grateful for the opportunity.”

“You’re welcome.”

Oops. I got so excited that I forgot about my manners.

“Thank you. Thank you. You won’t regret giving me this opportunity.” I clutch onto the strap of my bag, readying myself for my second request. I’ll come off as rude, but I have to try. “Would it be possible to handpick a volunteer who could really use our help? I’d like to dive into the deep end.”

The more complicated the case, the more helpful I can be. The more help I can offer myself and the man who hid under my bed. The gorgeous monster who possesses my days and nights and every other moment in between.

“Usually, I wouldn’t recommend that.” The way his voice lowers, there’s something wrong about it. Something that makes me take half a step back, just to be on the safe side. It could be me, paranoid again. It probably is. “To anyone else. But you’re not anyone else. You’ve worked hard to get my attention, and you’ve succeeded. I see you. You’ve shown interest in class. You’re an active participant. You could manage a complicated case. Yes, it’s very likely you could. I’ll see to it that your first practice will be an interesting one.”

The air in the room turns dense. An ominous feeling clutches at my heart.

Kaleb is here. But where?

“What I’m trying to say is, you’ve earned it.” His eyes bore into mine. “Such a good student, Shiloh.”

He did not just praise me. He couldn’t have.

My lungs squeeze. Airways are clogged.

No, no, no.

No.

He can’t be that person. A pervert.

My stomach revolts, and I press a hand to my throat for a second so I won’t throw up.

This is the first and last time I’m alone in a room with Professor Dempsey. There won’t be any more moments like this. He won’t get to assault me.

From this point forward, I’ll be using him.

I’ll do anything to help Kaleb. My quest for answers used to be semi-selfish. It isn’t anymore .

My stepbrother needs me. I won’t fail him.

First, I need to survive this. Tonight. I have to get the hell out of here without making it weird. Without provoking this predator.

Kaleb isn’t here to help me if my professor strikes. I can’t see him anywhere. He isn’t running into the classroom, cleaver raised. He isn’t here to murder Professor Dempsey.

If he were here, hiding, he wouldn’t stand for it. He’d do something about it.

If Kaleb were here, Professor Dempsey would’ve been dead by now.

So, yeah. I’m guessing I’m all alone.

While I’m contemplating how to slip out safely, my phone starts vibrating in my bag.

“Sorry.” I snatch it, waving it in the air.

“You could?—”

“It’s important. See you tomorrow.” I whip around, darting out faster than Eddy did.

“Tomorrow at five.” His voice echoes in the hallway, sounding completely unfazed.

Maybe something happened to him. Maybe it was nothing.

I’m not sticking around to find out. I shout, “Thanks,” and hightail it toward the door that leads outside the building.

Where it’s safe.

Well, out of here isn’t exactly safe, either. While Kaleb isn’t inside the building, he’s definitely nearby.

He’d touch me. Kidnap me. Violate me.

It’s still safer than being in that classroom .

It’s a hell of a lot better than being around other men.

Cold breeze howls as soon as I push the door open, whipping at my hair. A couple huddles to my left. Two girls and a guy in warm clothes take a left onto the brick path, disappearing out of sight.

My phone vibrates incessantly, reminding me of its existence. For the first time since it started vibrating, I look at the screen.

“Val, hi.”

“Oh, thank God.” She’s out of breath, her voice choked. “Thank God you picked up.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Except I know the answer the moment I ask her that.

The delicate finger on my nightstand. The cruel things Marina said to me yesterday about Kaleb.

Ice closes around my throat, colder than the night air.

I curl my fingers around the pocketknife in my coat. When Joe—Professor Dempsey—came at me, I freaked out. Forgot it was there.

I remember it now. One of the pocketknives that I carry with me everywhere I go. A false sense of security.

It won’t stop Kaleb from taking what he wants before I can talk some sense into him. But I have to try.

“Marina.” One word from Val. One word and my bravery vanishes.

The truth is a cold shower. It’s a torch burning the flesh off my bones.

He didn’t have to do that. I would’ve never listened to her.

He could’ve left evidence .

He risked his freedom for nothing.

Deep breath. Concentrate.

Helping him. That’s my main goal in this life. I wasn’t able to do so in the past.

Those days are gone. This person I’ve become will do everything in my power to protect him.

No matter what.

Playing dumb, I ask, “What about Marina?”

I have to get to him. I have to convince him to go somewhere safe. Where he won’t hurt me or violate me to shut me up.

My home. In long, fast strides, I head out of the campus gates and toward my SUV.

“They say she’s dead.” A sob tears out of her. “They found her car and h-h-h—Oh God. Oh, Jesus.”

Her sobs become shrieks that break my heart into a million tiny pieces. Val has always been good to me. Her pain reaches my soul and tugs.

Marina’s death, not so much.

She did insist on getting my brother locked up.

“What?” Information is power, and I’m going to get it. Kaleb could use it. “What is it, Val?”

“She didn’t show up at work this morning.” Heels click in the background. Wherever she is, she’s pacing the floor. “Her dad tracked her phone. It died sometime last night, but the last location, it was in this awful neighborhood. He and one of the security men from his company went there.” A sharp intake of air. “Her car was burned to the ground, Shi. And there were two dead bodies inside it. ”

Anger. Fear. A touch of sadness. I’m overwhelmed by it all. He’s gaining confidence; that’s what Marina and her date’s deaths mean. He doesn’t care about being caught.

I throw a glance backward, making sure I’m alone. I am.

Me and the sickening feeling of being stalked. Me and my knife in my palm.

She was wrong to talk about him the way she did.

And it’s sick that I understand where Kaleb’s coming from. Why he killed her.

Then again, if I really, truly think about it, it wasn’t just Eddy and Marina I was furious with.

It was me.

For years, my dad’s been semi-successful at brainwashing me against Kaleb. Through abuse and conditioning, during the few times I was allowed to visit my home, he infiltrated my head.

For the most part, he managed to mess with me. I never thought Kaleb was a monster, but I’d learned to tremble whenever his name was mentioned.

I shouldn’t have.

I don’t anymore. I’ll accept whatever punishments he deems fit.

I would have gladly killed Eddy for what he said about him.

What saved him from that fate, if I’m being honest, is the fact that we weren’t alone in the classroom. I understand Kaleb, very much so. I’m just pissed that, once again, he risked his freedom for me .

“Fuck.” The concern in my voice isn’t for Marina. It’s for Kaleb. The large campus gates appear in the distance. I’ll be in my car soon. “Fuck.”

“Where are you? I’m freaking out. Everything is crashing down on me. I can’t lose you too.”

“I feel sick to my stomach.” Sick over the thought of Kaleb getting caught. “Listen, I’m on my way home from college. I’m going to run to my car. I have to hang up.”

“Who could’ve done that?” Panic laces into her tear-soaked voice. “Who could’ve killed our friend?”

“Breathe, Val. The police will figure it out soon. They always do.” Unless my dad bribes them, that is.

“Y-you’re right.”

“I’ll talk to you in the morning.” The handle of the pocketknife digs holes into my palm. “Go to bed. Lock your doors and stay safe. That’s what I plan to do.”

“You’re right. I will.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow. Promise.”

“Promise you’ll be okay?” She sniffles, grieving Marina’s death while I have Marina’s finger hidden at home. “I can’t lose you too. I can’t.”

“I’ll be fine.” I never will. As long as Kaleb’s life is on the line, I’ll always be one step from losing it. “Go to bed, please. We’ll worry about the rest in the morning.”

“Okay.” Her whisper is muted by my pulse. It’s hammering in my ears on my jog out of this place. “I love you. Stay safe.”

I’m out in the street, crossing to the alley where I parked my car. “I will. Promise. ”

“Say it. I need to hear the words.”

“I’ll stay safe,” I promise. I hope . “Love you. Bye.”

The call disconnects.

I get two seconds of silence. Two seconds of walking peacefully toward my Range Rover.

“You’ll never be safe from me.”

His voice sounds from behind me as his gloved hand wraps around my mouth.

The pinching in my neck.

My palm opens on its own, releasing the pocketknife into my coat.

I’m too weak to do or say anything. My vision blurs around the edge.

I’m mildly aware that I lost the fight.

I don’t even have it in me to feel anything other than this…

Drowsiness.

Darkness consumes me.

Before it whisks me away, though, I feel Kaleb’s hand flat on my stomach, pulling me back to his big, muscular body. Cold latex presses against my cheek.

His mask.

“Sweet dreams, Shi.”

My eyes roll to the back of my head.

“The real nightmare will be right here when you wake up.”