Page 9 of Two’s A Charm

‘Keep it close, and you’ll see it work its magic on your circulation, bones and teeth, and, perhaps most importantly, bloating.’

‘I reiki my own crystals,’ whispered a student in dayglo Birkenstocks to their friend, who wore a pink beanie perched atop her waist-length hair. ‘I saw this great video on it. I’ll show you.’

‘Truly, if it’s stress management and sleep support you’re looking for, in addition to a hundred other things, tourmaline is the panacea.

’ Realizing he was losing his audience, Uncle Oswald unfurled a scroll detailing the ways that tourmaline could heal the body, support the heart and save the soul.

‘Who wants to pick up a piece and feel it take on their warmth?’

The students shrugged, looking at each other and waiting for someone else to take the lead. Finally, apparently feeling bad for Oswald, the girl in the pink beanie took the watermelon-coloured stone.

‘It’s kinda warm, I think?’ she said after a moment. She passed it to another girl clad in a Little Mermaid T-shirt roughly ten sizes too big. ‘Here, you try.’

‘It’s pretty?’ offered the girl. ‘Although my CBD pen is pretty good for stress relief. And it’s way cheaper.’

‘You won’t get prices better than these – or purer gems,’ Oswald reassured her.

‘We’re looking at just $300 for a carat of the green, and about double that for the watermelon samples.

For the Paraíba blue, the sought-after Brazilian option, we’ll talk out back.

And remember, every gemstone in Behind the Curtain has been blessed under a full moon, doubling its efficacy and its protective nature. ’

The students hesitated.

‘I do my own moon-charging,’ murmured a girl with green-and-white striped hair that Effie wasn’t sure was deliberate or the result of a terrible accident involving household bleach.

‘I can do $250 for the green,’ offered Uncle Oswald, who was slightly sheened with sweat. Apparently the evil within was coming to the surface for a breather. ‘I can feel the elevated stress levels you’re giving off. Your auras, they’re positively buzzing with it.’

The students now looked anxiously tempted, and Effie wanted nothing more than to step in and tell them to spend their money on some books instead.

Or even better, to keep their money and sign up for a library card.

She felt her wrists growing warm. Perhaps she could disrupt the 5G signal in here and prevent any payments from going through.

But Effie wasn’t one to meddle, especially not through magic.

Mom had always emphasized how impractical magic could be, that in spite of your best efforts and most charitable goals, it had a habit of going wrong, especially when used on other people.

Not only that, but it invited questions, and questions invited attention.

Too much attention, and you ended up staring out at a yard full of pitchfork-toting townsfolk, like Great-Aunt Grace, who – well, the less said about that, the better.

‘Aha! Found it!’ exclaimed Tessa. She hefted a Bastet cat sculpture with lapis eyes and ears. ‘Claudette’s going to love it. There’s no way she has something this gaudy.’

Uncle Oswald’s eyes lit up at the sight. ‘Wonderful taste. Just wonderful. He’s been calling out for an owner, um...’

‘Tessa,’ supplied Effie, setting down the agate coaster she’d just been inspecting. ‘We’ve only been friends our entire lives.’

‘Of course, of course. You must forgive me.’ Oswald tapped his temple with a ringed finger. ‘My fluorite memory crystals need to be recharged.’

‘Well, there’s a full moon coming up,’ offered Effie drily, sparking some excited muttering from the students. ‘You can leave them out with your potions and moon water. I find the bug corpses give it an extra kick.’

Oswald’s brow furrowed. He knew he was being mocked, but didn’t want to call it out in front of his customers, who were still whispering together about the tourmaline. Which was probably just polished glass, knowing Uncle Oswald.

‘I’m definitely taking the cat. What’s your best price?’ asked Tess, her hand on the sculpture.

Uncle Oswald tapped the price tag, which had a number written in gold and was attached to the statue by a thin gold string. He might be a charlatan, but Uncle Oswald did know a little something about branding. ‘The price is final.’

Tessa shook her head. ‘The price is never final.’

‘Let’s start at half and go from there.’ Effie regarded an ornate crystal grid, a decorative laser-cut board arranged with a rainbow profusion of crystals. It promised total calm for a mere thousand bucks (board included).

‘Half!’ If Uncle Oswald had magic, his wrists would’ve been crackling in indignation.

Effie raised an eyebrow. ‘And throw in a pack of those tarot cards before I tell your shoppers about the source of your tourmaline.’

Uncle Oswald spluttered. ‘I’m only discounting this because I have a familial responsibility to you. Because Lyra would have wanted me to help her girls.’

He plucked the cat from its velvet display and carried it off to the register, hopefully eyeing the students as he rang up the cat.

‘And have we made our decision?’ he called across the room, clearly hoping to get ahead of Effie’s threatened comments about his tourmaline pricing.

‘We’re thinking about it,’ said one of the students, who’d been regarding a price tag with raised eyebrows.

‘Take your time.’ Uncle Oswald said it cheerfully, but a scowl tensed his mouth as he finished ringing up Tessa’s order.

Tessa returned with her carefully packaged cat sculpture, which swung in a gold-stamped paper bag with twine handles.

‘Half price? You’re definitely coming on my next yard sale adventure,’ she whispered. ‘That was some impressive haggling. Although don’t you feel bad ripping off your own family?’

Effie waggled a chunk of heat-treated amethyst at Tessa.

‘Honestly, yours is one of the better pieces in here. What he’s done to this amethyst is criminal.

And those crystal grids are just laser-etched cutting boards.

If I were a betting person, I’d say the gems are ordered in bulk online, then dipped in nail polish for some extra shimmer. ’

‘Well, you have to give him points for creativity.’

Effie was unconvinced. ‘Do I, though?’

Squaring her cardiganed shoulders, she went up to the students, passing out her head librarian business card. ‘We’re doing an evening class on crystals at the library later, if you’re interested. It’s mostly geology focused, but we can teach you how to pick out fakes.’

‘Are fakes a problem?’ asked the student in the pink beanie.

‘Huge,’ said Tessa, her naturally long-lashed eyes wide. ‘Imagine thinking you’re getting a crystal to help you sleep, and bam. You’re grinding your teeth like you’ve been mainlining espresso all day.’

The student with the green-and-white striped hair grimaced. ‘We’ll think about it,’ she called out to Uncle Oswald, whose eyes narrowed behind his ostentatious glasses, which were so on the nose (literally) that they made Effie feel bad about being a glasses wearer.

The door chimed as the students waltzed out, their reusable bags empty but their bank accounts full.

‘You cost me a potential sale,’ said Uncle Oswald, folding his arms.

‘Are you sure?’ asked Tessa, wandering off to inspect an alchemical singing bowl. ‘They seemed like they were pretty au fait with all this DIY crystal stuff.’

‘Besides, they said they’d think about it,’ added Effie. ‘And when they come back, they’ll be informed buyers.’

‘Informed not to buy,’ noted Uncle Oswald churlishly.

Well, he’d said it, not her.

Effie jumped as Tessa ran a mallet over the edge of the singing bowl, sending a resonant tone vibrating across the room. Tessa grinned, then tested out another bowl.

‘Go on. You and I both know that you’re not on the up and up here. This isn’t magic. It’s snake oil. None of it works.’

Oswald snorted. ‘Bah. Who cares as long as they believe it’s working?

That’s what we’re dealing in here, isn’t it?

Belief. Moon-charged water? Sure, it’s nonsense.

Crystals? They look nice. But if someone honestly thinks their necklace is helping with their mood or their memory potion is helping them pass that exam, what’s the harm? ’

‘The harm is that it’s fraud,’ said Effie. ‘And at these prices, it’s also extortion.’

‘I have expenses,’ said Uncle Oswald icily. ‘Besides, if certain individuals wouldn’t gatekeep their magic, I could be more accommodating with my offerings.’

The hum of Tessa’s singing bowl crescendoed.

Effie bristled. There was no gatekeeping about it!

Magic was a form of power, and it had to be handled carefully.

You couldn’t go about casting spells and enacting charms willy-nilly, thinking that you knew what was best for everyone else.

Every action caused a reaction, and every spell had consequences.

Which was why Effie kept hers small and mundane.

‘I’d like the picture of Mom you promised,’ said Effie, ‘and then we’re leaving.’

Uncle Oswald stuttered – this whole interaction clearly hadn’t gone the way he’d wanted. ‘We got off on the wrong foot,’ he stammered, holding out a newspaper-wrapped parcel like an olive branch. ‘Let’s start over.’

The singing bowl went silent.

‘Sorry, dropped the mallet,’ Tessa called, scrabbling around on the carpet for it.

Grateful for the interruption, Effie took the parcel, holding it to her heart as though Mom’s warmth and goodness might seep from the picture into her. But she didn’t want to open it right here, not in front of Oswald, whose presence only ever darkened things.

She checked her watch. ‘Make it quick. I have to get back to work – I have a crystal display to put together.’

Tessa, who’d thankfully given up on becoming a professional singing-bowl performer, hefted her gift bag. ‘And I have a cat to mail to South Carolina.’