Page 62 of Try Me
Cam snorted. “Weed a couple of times. The rest I was getting off of another guy.”
Heat crawled over the back of my neck, along with a prickling sensation as the bottom dropped out of my stomach.
“Anyway, he pissed me off flushing my stash like that, so I kicked him out. I was all worked up. I didn’t mean to overdose, though. That’s what most people say, I guess. Stupid, right? Chet was…umm. I liked him. A lot.” Cam’s gaze cut sharply away. “You too, actually. That’s part of what got me all messed up. Which is totally not your fault. Or Chet’s,” he was quick to add.
We both fell silent as our food was delivered.
Neither of us reached for silverware.
Cam sighed. “It was pretty obvious there was something unresolved between you two.”
“There wasn’t,” I gritted out. “He—” I didn’t think Chet hated me now like I’d thought back then, but— “He dislikes me. Or disliked.” I wasn’t actually sure where we stood now. We antagonized each other and fooled around and had quiet moments that didn’t at all fit in with everything else. Those were the ones that haunted me. That was where shit got tricky.
Cam laughed again. “No he doesn’t. You know it, I know it, and he knows it, too. He told me the whole story, you know. Everything. About his dad. About the night he came over to your house when his dad was arrested. What happened.”
My mouth fell open. “He did?” The sliver of betrayal I felt over that revelation, of all things, was completely illogical, but I felt it anyway. I’d never told anyone else, and the more I was around Chet, the more I realized it wasn’t solely because I didn’t want anyone to find out. Something about that night had always felt like just ours.
Cam nodded.
“So what happened? Chet said you started acting really weird around him, and you’d definitely shut me out at that point—”
Cam grimaced and stared out the window at a car pulling into the diner’s lot. “I don’t know. I don’t have a great answer. For a while, everything was good. I was doing everything I’d ever wanted to. Then it all got mixed up with pills. My family. The way I was raised, and this whole idea that everything I wanted so badly was wrong. That I was defective and disgusting.”
Fuck, that was harsh self-assessment. I leaned forward, seeking his eyes. “You’re not any of those things.”
“I know that now. I mean, I’m working on it.” Cam pushed a piece of toast around his plate. “After rehab, I saw this counselor in my parents’ church, but I could feel myself starting to get all messed up again. The rehab facility had been completely different. I knew I wasn’t going to stay clean without…without something else. So I found some NA meetings and a sponsor. And then a counselor outside the church. I didn’t tell my parents until a month ago. They didn’t take it well.” He shrugged. “I’d saved up money from working while I was going to community college and living at home. I got the fuck out when I could. I’ve been here a month working at a cafe on Main. I used my savings and got a loan for tuition. I’ve been afraid to show my fucking face, though. Finally figured it was gonna happen at some point. So I thought I’d just walk into the Sigma house, see what happened. See if I’d get run out. Take my licks if I needed to. I fuckingmissedeveryone.” He pushed his plate away. “But Mark, I’m so sorry that shit happened, and that you were the one to find me.”
“Jesus.” It was a lot to fucking parse, but my anger had ebbed, replaced by a hollow sadness for him.
Cam leaned forward on the table, shoulders tense, eyes vivid with sincerity. “It wasn’t your fault, if that’s what you’ve been thinking. And it wasn’t Chet’s either. And I hope we can still be friends, but I get it if you can’t or don’t want to be.”
I groaned. “Fuck, I feel bad now. I knew your parents were intense, but…” I trailed off, shaking my head.
“Don’t be a jackass. I’m good, now. I really am.” Cam thumped my knuckle and flashed me a half-smile. “And it’s nice to see you’re notquiteas hot as I remember you being.”
I rolled my eyes, playing along even though his whole confession was still a leaden weight in my chest. “So did you talk to Chet, too?” I tried to pose the question as casually as I could.
“Yeah.” Cam gave another one of those morose laughs. “It didn’t go that well.”
“He was mad?”
“He was—” Cam paused, thinking. “I don’t know. Really distant. Like I was a stranger. Which, I guess basically I am. But it was still awkward. I hope maybe in time it’ll get better. Or not. I mean, I’m not going to try to force him to be my friend again, obviously. Anyway.” He shoved his plate aside and poured himself more coffee from the french press Ayla had left on the table. “Sam said you’ve been working at some fancy law firm this summer.”
I told him about the internship, my mind light-years away and orbiting distant planets of insecurity, regret, and desire. When we got back to the frat house, I stopped outside the door.
“You’re not coming back in?”
“Nah. I’ve got something to do.”
“Oh.” Disappointment colored Cam’s smile.
“I’m not writing you off, man. I’m glad you’re back. And I’m really glad you’re doing okay,” I emphasized. “But I can’t just jump back to the way things were before. Finding you like that screwed with my head for a long time. And I—” I stopped just short of telling him about how I’d blamed Chet, because it wasn’t really his fault. “I need to go, though. See you around, okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” He made no move to go back inside, just leaned against the door and watched me walk away. “Mark?”
When I looked back over my shoulder, he waved me off. “Never mind. See you around.”
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