Page 36 of True North
“Okay,” Misha said, not sure what relevance JT’s bedtime had for him, except then JT glanced away from the TV for an instant, his eyes cutting over to Misha’s face, and the uncertainty in his gaze made the bottom fall out of Misha’s stomach. Things weren’t back to normal at all: JT was going to try to kick Misha out of his bed.
“You might want to sleep in the guest room tonight,” JT said. “Just, you know. We’d both probably sleep better that way.”
Misha swallowed. “I come to bed when you go. It’s not problem.”
“Okay, but. It’s going to bereallyearly.”
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Misha said stubbornly, and JT shrugged and went back to his salad.
From JT’s warning, Misha expected him to head up the stairs by eight, but instead it was past ten by the time JT stirred on the couch and started gathering his phone and earbuds and water bottle. Misha sat up, too, and said, “Bed?”
“Yeah,” JT said without looking at him. “If you’re ready.”
Misha was ready. He was convinced that if he slept in the guest room tonight, he would never sleep in JT’s bed again. Misha was no longer the half-starved, mostly-wild bear he’d been when he first came out of the woods, and behavior he’d been able to get away with at the time was no longer justifiable. He knew that JT had let him keep sharing a bed mainly out of habit or because he hadn’t stopped to think about what they were doing. Any break in their pattern would give JT time to think about what they were doing and how completely weird and inappropriate it was, and then he would put a stop to it for good.
Misha didn’t want to think about why he was so determined to keep sleeping with JT every night.
He followed JT up the stairs in silence. JT disappeared into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and Misha sat on his side of the bed and stared into the darkness outside the window, open now to let in the cool night air. The soft sounds of insects and a distant owl filled the room. Misha had never been wise or careful, and growing older hadn’t helped in either regard. He should go downstairs and sleep in the guest room as JT had asked. He rose to his feet and undressed.
JT didn’t look his way as he came out of the bathroom and went to rummage in his closet. Misha brushed his own teeth, staring at himself in the mirror the whole time. His hair was growing out from the objectively terrible haircut JT had given him, and he looked somewhat less frightened and scrawny than he had at first. Still, he wasn’t much to look at. He was hardly worth a first glance, much less a second.
“You coming?” JT called from the bedroom. Misha leaned forward and spat his foamy mouthful into the sink.
JT was already in bed, lying on his back with the lamp on his nightstand turned off. It was usually Misha’s job to turn off the other lights in the room, but instead he stood for a long moment at the side of the bed, watching JT’s open eyes stare blankly at the ceiling.
JT sighed. “Just get in.”
Misha wasn’t wise or careful, but he could be brave, couldn’t he? If he wanted to be. He couldn’t change who he was, but he could make some minor improvements. He could, just this once, do the right thing.
“JT,” he said, and waited until JT was looking at him. “I’m gay, too.”
He had never admitted it aloud, not even to the handful of guys he’d slept with. In those contexts, it was easier to rely on meaningful looks and touches, and once the clothes came off, there was no reason to confirm his interest. Saying the words—letting himself say them, letting himself become the kind of person who could make a confession like that, who was willing to be seen that way—took the breath out of his lungs for a moment. He was gay.
“Wow,” JT said. He shifted around in bed, sitting up and pushing the blankets down to his waist. “You’re—really?”
Misha shrugged. He had said it and didn’t particularly feel like saying it again. He had nothing else to say and was beginning to feel faintly panicked at having revealed his oldest, deepest secret. Not his worst secret, but the one he’d kept longest: for most of his life. He wanted to retreat somewhere quiet to let the shock of it settle.
“Hey,” JT said. “Misha.”
“What,” Misha said. He felt nauseated, and was considering pretending he needed to take a leak to have an excuse to hide in the bathroom for a while.
JT was watching him, his gaze fixed on Misha’s face. “Thanks for telling me.”
“I never say before,” Misha admitted.
“Jesus. Okay.” JT laughed a little and rubbed a hand over his head, messing up his hair. “First time’s the hardest, eh? Gets easier with practice.”
Misha sat on the bed with his legs folded beneath him, his curiosity overcoming his fear. “You tell lots?”
“Lots of people? No. My family, some of my friends. It isn’t really—” He stopped, then tried again. “There aren’t any gay players in the NHL. Or, I mean, obviously there are gay players, but nobody’s out. And I don’t want to be the first. That sucks, right? I should be willing to do it. But I just—” He looked down at the bedding and blew out a hard breath. “Sorry. Doesn’t matter.”
“Tell me,” Misha said. He would much rather listen to JT spill his guts than have to spill his own.
“Playing in Toronto is a little, uh.” JT pinched the hem of the sheet between his hands and smoothed the fabric with his thumbs. “The media’s brutal. Just—reporters up your ass all the time. I’m the captain, you know, and we haven’t won a championship in years, and I know exactly what they’d say about me if I came out. It would be all kinds of bullshit about how I’m a distraction to the team, probably causing problems in the room, making it about me as a person instead of focusing on the team, why can’t I buckle down and win a Cup instead of, you know, bringing politics into sports. As if who I want to date ispolitical.”
Misha hadn’t entirely followed that, but he thought he understood more or less what JT was saying. “It’s not fair. You’re not just hockey.”
JT snorted. “Aren’t I, though? That’s the whole problem, right? All hockey all the time. Except the hockey isn’t good enough.” He shook his head. “Sorry. Look, let’s just go to sleep. I really do have to get up early tomorrow.”