Page 55 of Throne of Fire

"I fucked up.”

He arches a brow. “The mission?”

No. Not unless Hannah decides she’s had enough and leaves me.

“I fucked Hannah.”

He pauses, studying me. "And?"

"And? I betrayed Meghan.” I wish God would strike me dead. “I swore after she died that I'd never love again. That I'd focus on destroying the people who took her from us."

Flint’s expression is a mix of understanding, but also annoyance. “It’s been ten years, Ash.”

“So. Do you think you won’t love Lucy in ten years?”

“It’s not the same.”

“It is the same. I loved Meghan. I should have what you have with her.” I strike out, but Flint dodges it.

“I know, man, but Meghan isn’t here and wouldn't want you punishing yourself forever."

I follow him, muscles coiled tight with tension. "It's not about punishment. It's about respect. About honoring what we had."

“You’re so full of shit.” He swings, clipping me in the chin.

I jerk back but then throw a cross that he blocks.

“It’s not like you haven’t fucked anyone since Meghan died.”

I swing again, catching him in the jaw. His head snaps to the side, but he quickly recovers. “Hit a nerve, eh?”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re the one who came here to get it out of your system. At least you can be honest. You’ve been bullshitting yourself for years. You feel you’ve betrayed Meghan by fucking your wife. Do you really think that if Meghan were here, she would feel betrayed by your sleeping with Hannah but be okay with your hookups and hookers over the years?”

“They meant nothing.”

Flint scoffs as he bobs and weaves around me. “Right. I’m sure if I hired a hooker, Lucy wouldn’t have any problem with that.”

“Meghan isn’t here.”

“Right. This isn’t about Meghan. This is about your being a chicken shit.”

I swing and he ducks.

"You're terrified of feeling something real again because you might lose it. So you hide behind Meghan's memory."

“You don’t know shit.” But something about his words resonates and it pisses me off. Maybe I am afraid to care for Hannah. Afraid of what the Keans might do to her knowing her father married her to an Ifrinn. Afraid of failing to protect another woman I care about.

But that doesn't change the fact that being with Hannah felt like a betrayal. The pleasure I took in her body, in being her first, it should make me sick. Instead, I keep thinking about doing it again. About teaching her more ways to find pleasure. About making her mine completely.

“I know how you told me and Blaise that love wasn’t worth it. That you think we’re nuts for going all in with our wives. Why? Why would you say that except it’s clear that you're afraid of love?”

“So what if I am?” I hate that I’m giving him that.

“Stop using Meghan as an excuse.” He dances around me. “Interesting, though, that sleeping with Hannah is twisting you up. You must like her. That’s not a bad thing.”

“She was a virgin, Flint. Fuck!” I strike out at the air, so angry with myself and my lack of self-control. The guilt nearly brings me to my knees. Not just for betraying Meghan but for how I left Hannah afterward, alone and confused in our bed while I ran away like a fucking asshole.