Page 142 of Things We Hide from the Light

“Not that kind of Shark Week. This one’s scarier.”

Fi appeared with a fresh lollipop. She tossed my credit card on the table in front of me and then dug the heels of her hands into her lower back. “God. It feels like my kidneys are trying to tunnel their way out of my flesh. Why is nature such a bitch?”

“Oh,thatkind of Shark Week,” Nolan said, catching on.

“Yeah. So whatever you’re about to say better be worth my time and suffering coming over here,” Fi said.

“I just wanted to politely and respectfully suggest that you pull the security footage from tonight and save it somewhere.”

“Any particular reason?”

“I don’t know what’s public knowledge and what’s not,” Nolan hedged.

“You mean Nash firing Tate for being a bad cop and a shitty human being?” Fi prompted.

“Word travels fast around here. Sometimes it’s even the truth,” I said.

“Just in case things escalate, it wouldn’t hurt to be able to prove a pattern,” Nolan said.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he escalated the shit out of things,” Fi said on a groan. “He’s got a whole lot of artificial self-worth wrapped around that badge. Without it, who knows what he’ll do to feel like top dog?”

“Keep an eye out,” Nolan advised.

“Will do. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lie down in the back seat of my minivan for ten minutes. I’ll send Max over with a drink for you, Marshal.”

We watched her limp away.

“I can’t imagine going through something like that every damn month,” Nolan said, shaking his head.

“You don’t think we’re like that with our jobs, do you?” I asked.

“Like what?”

“Like we get our self-worth, our purpose from our careers.”

“Oh, you want me to lie to you. Okay. No, we’re not at all like that, Solavita.”

“Come on.”

“Babe, I lost my marriage over this job and I don’t even like what I do.”

“So why don’t you quit?”

“And do what?”

“I don’t know. Win back the girl?”

“Right. Because the only thing more attractive than a man married to his job is an unemployed ex-husband begging fora second chance,” he said dryly. “Nope. Some of us are just destined to live for the job.”

“You don’t think there’s anything better out there than this?” I asked.

“Of course there’s something fucking better out there. Just maybe not for you and me. At least me. If you think for a second I wouldn’t quit my job and spend the rest of my life rubbing my ex’s feet and packing her lunches if she said she’d take me back, you’re dead wrong. But there’s only so many times you can shut somebody out before they stop trying to get in.”

“But is it worth it? Letting someone in when you know you just made it that much easier for them to rip you apart? I mean, seriously, what could be that good to make that kind of risk worth it?”

“You’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know what’s on the other side, but I’d sure as hell be willing to risk finding out if I got a second chance.”

Nolan’s words made me feel just a little bit cowardly. I had no problem confronting a drunken bully, but the idea of opening myself up to someone had my knees knocking together.