Page 12 of The Wolf’s Secret Baby

Ambrosia

“Typhon!” I exclaimed as I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. At first, I thought it had been an illusion because my vision was blurred, and my awareness was focused on other things. I don’t know what had come over me, or what these two men brought out of me. Their story had engendered sympathy with me, and I could not view them as monsters at all. They had endured a hard life and had never been appreciated.

I wanted to help them come to terms with the nature of their abuse. But there was something else simmering beneath the surface, some kind of crackling force that completely overwhelmed me and drew me in. I could not escape it. It was potent in the air, seeping into my skin, down my throat, completely consuming me. It was an uncontrollable energy that burned in the molten core of my body, an instinct that was being primed by these wild men and I couldn’t define it, nor could I fight it. I gave into it, and it was glorious.

As soon as I exclaimed Typhon’s name, Kull pulled away. I missed the heat of his lips immediately. My skin was flushed, and the thrum of my heart was carried throughout my body. I could even feel it pulsing behind my eyes.

“Typhon,” when Kull uttered the name it was harder and edgier. He rose to a standing position, as if to protect me. I feared that they were going to pick up right where they had left off. I gulped in air and held out my hands, forcing myself to concentrate on the moment. I quelled the hazy sensations that swam within me.

“Wait, don’t fight. I don’t want you to fight. What you’ve been through… the only good thing is that you’ve had each other to rely on. You shouldn’t ignore that,” I said desperately.

“I’m not here to fight,” Typhon replied. As the moment settled, I looked at him more closely and saw the wounds.

“What happened?” I asked.

“A wolf took umbrage with me. I decided to fight back, but unfortunately, he had allies that dragged me off him. I could have used you with me, brother,” he said, and something akin to a smile adorned his face.

“You’re hurt,” I looked at the bruises and scrapes all over his body, as well as the trail of blood that trickled from the corner of his mouth.

“They’ll all heal. But we’re not going to get our share of the feast tonight. It was dumped on the ground. We’re going to have to go hunting ourselves,” Typhon said.

Kull immediately looked at me. “We can’t leave Ambrosia here. Not with Siv sniffing around.”

“I thought the same,” Typhon turned towards me. “Are you willing to come and hunt with us?”

It didn’t take me long to make up my mind. “If the alternative is staying here without you to protect me then definitely, but I’m not going to have to kill anything, am I? I mean, I’m no vegetarian, but the thought of actually killing something doesn’t sit right with me.”

The way Typhon and Kull looked at me made me feel like a cretin and I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I don’t know why I felt a need to impress them. Was this some kind of accelerated Stockholm syndrome? I wish I could have labeled this strange feeling that possessed me. I couldn’t seem to escape this hold. I had never experienced this particular kind of impulse control before. I had studied it, and treated people who suffered from it, but as empathetic as I could be, experiencing it myself was an entirely different sensation.

“Let’s go,” Typhon grunted. He turned and I could sense the tension emanating from him. I wondered if he was annoyed by what he had seen from me and Kull. I glanced towards Kull, but I could discern nothing from the look in his eyes. My mind was becoming messy, and I had no idea how to handle these feelings. It was the first time in a long time where I didn’t feel in control and I have to admit, it felt exhilarating.

*

We left the stronghold without incident and ventured into the forest. Kull and Typhon sniffed the air, searching for prey. They were quiet, their furtive gazes seeing things that were beyond my capability. Typhon was still scowling, and I thought it might be wise to speak to him. I sidled up to him.

“Typhon, about what you saw earlier, I hope that it’s not going to make things awkward. I don’t want to get in between you and Kull. I have more insight into what you’ve been through, and I think that your relationship is important. I want to help you. I don’t want you to be annoyed at him.”

“I’m not annoyed. And I’m not displeased with what I saw. On the contrary, I enjoyed it,” he turned to look at me and when I was subjected to his gaze, I felt naked. In his brooding eyes I could almost see what he was imagining, my body twisted around, my mouth hanging open, Kull crushing me with his passion. My throat constricted and for a moment I found it impossible to breathe. The notion titillated me. I had always tried to bury my femininity in order to be seen as professional. There were many prejudices in my profession and the slightest hint of sensuality was seen as an admission that I was a sexual creature. So, I had always kept my appearance plain and worn conservative clothes. I never flirted or acted girlish and coquettish. I had subdued my sexual side for so long in order to allow my professional side to flourish that now it was coming back with a vengeance and I wanted to unleash it. I wanted to allow myself to be a sexual creature, and I enjoyed the thought of Typhon watching me with Kull.

“If you must know,” he continued and I was shaken back into concentration, “I’m still annoyed at the Alpha, and the pack as a whole. I really did think that once I proved myself, they would accept me.”

It reminded me a lot of narcissistic parents who had unrealistic expectations for their children, holding them to standards that were impossible to meet.

“You know Typhon, I think one of the mistakes we can make is to judge ourselves by what other people think. I know this pack is important to you and by every right you do deserve a place among them and to be treated as equals. From what I can see there is no difference between you and them. They are being cruel by treating you this way, but trying to earn their respect is an impossible task because there is nothing you can do that will ever be good enough for them. They have decided to view you in a certain way and that is how things are always going to be. It’s never easy to accept, but it does require a new way of thinking. You need to reframe how you view yourself. You should not be beholden to their judgment. You need to develop a strong sense of self-worth. Judge yourself by how you feel you are doing and your own standards, not by theirs. I know this may not be applicable in your situation, but with a patient who would have a similar thing, I might suggest going with no contact for a while at least, just to give you some breathing room where you can look at things objectively and decide how you want to proceed. Have you and Kull ever thought of leaving the pack?”

He remained silent for a few moments. There was a pensive look on his face. “It’s not that simple,” he said, the words almost dropping out of his mouth like leaves from a tree. “They may not see us as their blood, but we are bound to the pack. There is a connection that goes beyond the physical plane. It’s spiritual in nature and we cannot simply turn our backs on it. We seek to belong, to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. It is in our nature as wolves. It may seem odd to you, but I am actually grateful to them for not treating us as outcasts. They could have exiled us to the wilderness a long time ago, but they keep us around.”

I furrowed my brow. “Have you ever wondered why?”

He rolled his shoulders. “I assume it’s so they can remind themselves that they are superior. The great experiment was a failure, and we are subject to ridicule. They can abuse us and take out whatever negative feelings they have without fighting amongst themselves. In a way I suppose we are good for morale.”

“You deserve better than that.”

“Sometimes the circumstances of the world cannot be changed,” he said, his words hollow and forlorn.

“It shouldn’t be that way, Typhon.”

“That is all I have to say on the matter. We should be silent. Our prey is near.”

Typhon moved away from me and signaled to Kull. We found a glade in which they told me to wait. There was a moment of hesitation before they left me. I assumed they were afraid I might wander away, but that plan didn’t enter my mind. For one I wouldn’t know in which direction to walk. This forest was dangerous to someone who was unfamiliar with the terrain. I could find myself lost, and I wasn’t the type of person who could survive in the wild. I was also scared that I might run into the other wolves as well. I hated the thought of what they might do to me when they realized that Typhon and Kull were nowhere around. Another reason was because I wouldn’t have been able to escape them. They were stronger and faster than me and they would have been able to track me down with their keen senses.

So, I lowered myself to a mossy area and waited for them. I watched them as they disappeared into the trees, seeing the air shimmer around them as they embraced the beasts inside. Their bodies changed and it still felt as though I was seeing something that I shouldn’t. My mind ached as I tried to make sense of it. Every rational part of me was screaming that this shouldn’t happen and yet I could not deny my own senses. I watched them as they fell forward and started to walk on all fours, as their bodies swelled, with fur exploding out of their flesh, a thick, fluffy tail protruding from their rears. They were so huge and majestic. It was impossible to not be in awe of them.

*

I wasn’t sure how long it took before they returned. I could hear them in the distance, howling loudly. The shrubbery moved as they came back. When they appeared, they were in their human form. The meat had already been skinned. They had not taken the antlers away from the corpse and I felt pity for the animal that had been slain for our meal. It was more harrowing to see an animal treated like this than what I was used to in the sanitized world, where the meat was carefully prepared and packaged to the point where we could embrace cognitive dissonance and forget that it was once a living thing. I felt like a coward. There was something pure and impressive about the way Typhon and Kull carried themselves, as though this was the way life was intended to be lived. There was no denying their true nature, no trying to soften the hard edges of the world. It was a cruel place, and nature possessed a savage quality that society had tried to numb. We thought ourselves above it, better than it, progressing from our brutish ancestors who thought nothing of compassion.

But were we really better than them? I wasn’t so sure, not when I saw how Typhon and Kull treated their prey. They handled it softly, with respect. They built a spit and then a fire, roasting it carefully. They told the story of the hunt while the meat cooked, which was a ritual among their people. They said that this was to honor the animal that had been slain. I realized that I didn’t know anything about the animals I ate. They were distant, ephemeral things that I never had to think too strongly about. There was a distinct lack of respect in this sentiment, and I realized how shallow and false my life had been.

We shared the meat out. It was a simple meal but rich and delicious. The meat was tender, cooked to perfection. I wouldn’t dare to think how much this would have cost in a fine restaurant but there was something perfectly simple about this meal.

“Why do you do what you do?” Kull asked. The question took me by surprise, so much so that I swallowed the chunk of meat I had been chewing too soon and it almost became lodged in my throat. I pressed my fingers against my larynx and managed to get it down.

“When I was younger a lot of what people did confused me. I always wanted to understand why they acted the way they did. It seemed that people were ruled by emotions. My father used to get angry a lot, especially when his favorite sports team lost. He would get so enraged by it and I could never understand why he allowed it to bother him so much. I started to track my own emotions, and I became aware of them. I hoped that by understanding them I would be able to prevent myself from having these outbursts like dad. Then I studied the mind and behavior, and I realized that not enough people paid attention to their emotions. I wanted to try and help them have a settled mind and be honest with themselves. I think that a lot of us end up running from ourselves because we’re too afraid to face the truths we hold within, so when people talk to me; they can feel safe to explore these parts of them. In effect, I want to help people understand themselves better, and I also think that there are so many different people in the world that it’s fascinating to see things from their perspective. When I really dig down deep and I learn why someone thinks the way they do, when I look at the patterns of their life, it helps me to understand why they hold their beliefs.”

“And what do your emotions say about you?” Typhon asked. An uneasy feeling crawled beneath my skin, but I wasn’t going to cower from the question.

“I wasn’t sure before I came on this trip, but I wasn’t being entirely honest with myself. Meeting you has given me an opportunity to think about it and I know why I feel this way now. I’ve spent my entire life trying to control myself, trying to make sure that I give off the right image, that I impress the right people. I’ve been rigid and disciplined, and I think it’s all built up inside me, and now it’s ready to explode.” I stared into the fire, allowing my words to form without inhibition, without any thought of holding them back. The light had dropped in the world and the temperature was cool. The flames danced, bright and clear, and they seemed to be gesturing towards me, reaching to me. I wanted to embrace the heat. I wanted to feel all of these wicked desires that should have been taboo.

“There’s another side to me that I’ve always denied. At college, I never went to the parties, you know. I never lost control. I studied, studied, studied. I’ve always tried to be an exampleto other people, a paragon of virtue, but the world isn’t virtuous, and I think I’m starting to realize that sometimes you need to embrace your true nature. I came out here to be wild and now that I’ve started to taste this reality; I find I want more. Out here I can escape myself and I can be someone who I never thought I would be.”

It was then that I noticed Kull sidling towards me, placing his arm around my waist. His hand rested on my hip, as though he owned me. The fire crackled and the scent of him filled my nostrils. Arousal burned inside and I could feel it wanting to burst out of me with blazing heat. Then I lifted my gaze, and I met Typhon’s eyes. The fire flitted in front of him, making it seem as though he was emerging from the inferno. I could sense what he wanted, and I was ready.