Page 39 of The Unlikely Heir

King Callum the Klutz?

Prince of Wales Finds New Royal Duty with Unplanned Gravity Checks

Oops, He Did It Again: The Unstoppable Saga of the Clumsy Prince

BritishPatriot, the Twitter account I can’t help always checking out, has made a slow-mo action scene of me falling set to NOFX’s song “Idiot Son of an Asshole.”

There’s only one variation of the theme of my incoordination.

Prince Callum Doesn’t Even Drink Tea!

Yanks a Lot, Prince Callum: American Heir Snubs Tea-Time

Callum Prescott Scorns National Drink of England

Yeah, I guess I deserved those headlines.

But there’s an opinion piece inThe Daily Beacontitled:The reason the Prince of Wales doesn’t drink tea and its significance in the relationship between the UK and America.

Shit. How had I, a student of history, never realized how contentious something as innocuous as tea actually is? After all, the American Revolution was sparked by a dispute over the taxation of the drink. The boycott of tea at the time was seen as a boycott of British culture. No wonder the British people take it as an insult that their American Prince of Wales doesn’t drink tea.

This is the problem. I feel like I’m walking through a minefield dressed only in oversized clown shoes.

Just as I’ve started down the rabbit hole of reading the history of tea, my phone beeps with a message.

It’s from Oliver Hartwell.

I thought you might want to see this in case it didn’t make it across the pond at the time.

I press play, and it’s a clip of Oliver stumbling as he walks into 10 Downing Street.

What did you trip up over?

There was a magical treasure chest. Invisible to everyone else.

I laugh out loud.

This is one thing I hadn’t expected from Oliver Hartwell. This dry sense of humor he shares with me. You’d never know from his serious demeanor that he’s hiding a funny side.

I type a message back.

But I won the title of the most negative coverage today, right?

Hmmm. Not sure. The Daily Chronicle just published this cartoon of me, which I think might be the winner.

And he sends me a caricature of him hovering over a hoard of cash, with some caption relating to the fiscal policy. I can imagine Oliver is a political cartoonist’s nightmare—because he’s so good-looking, he doesn’t have any bad features to poke fun at. Here, the cartoonist has solved the problem by taking total creative license and making his nose about twice the size it should be.

Ow. That’s harsh. Although they did portray your nose quite accurately. Completely unrelated question, have you ever double-checked you’re not Pinocchio’s twin?

I’ve been told I’m as thick as two planks, and my expression is wooden, so I guess there’s always a chance.

I’m still laughing when Oliver sends me another message.

But I never lie, so that’s not responsible for my nose growth.

Sure, you’re a politician who never lies. I totally believe that.

I’m a very unique politician.