Page 38

Chapter 38

GAbrIEL

M y skin stretched painfully over busted knuckles as I buttoned my dress shirt for Beck and Emily’s engagement party, but that was the least of my concerns.

My phone had spent the morning vibrating with texts and calls from April before I finally shut it off. I could stay away from her if it meant keeping her safe. Eventually, she’d get the hint, and she’d moved on.

But as my fingers fumbled with a button at my chest, the knocking started. Chuck jumped up from his bed in the corner of my room, barking ferociously. That is until April spoke. Then, his tail started going, and he whimpered at the door—eager for me to open it wide so he could see his favorite girl.

I wanted to so badly—to throw open the door and pull her through. To put my face in the crook of her neck and breathe her in as I held on for dear life, but I couldn’t do that. Not when my anger had taken over the night before. I couldn’t guarantee her safety with me, so I couldn’t have her.

“Come on, Gabe!” she yelled. “I know you’re in there! I saw your truck in the parking lot.”

I’m a coward, I thought, leaning against the wall. A better man would have opened the door—told her to leave, but I knew I’d take one look into her hazel eyes, and it would be over for me. So, I just leaned my head against the wall, gritting my teeth to keep from saying something.

“I need to talk to you!” The stress in her voice broke my heart. “Please! You don’t have to do this!” I squeezed my eyes tight, willing her to leave before I caved. “You just made a mistake! You’d never hurt me. Do you hear me? You’d never hurt me!”

She started crying, and I rolled over, resting my forehead against the door while she sobbed.

Letting her cry, knowing she was hurting, I almost couldn’t stand it. But then I thought of my mom’s tears when my dad pushed her into our kitchen table—her scream when he grabbed her face while he yelled at her. That would never be April. I’d make sure of it.

I held my ground, and when she finally left, I seeped to the floor, feeling like my bones had been replaced with rubber.

I tried to tell myself that things would feel better. I just needed to give it time. The breakup was still fresh. We’d both move on. We’d both find peace.

Despite my internal encouragement, I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. This didn’t feel like a clean break but a cataclysmic shift. Neither of us would be the same after.

I put my head in my hands. Emotionally wrecked and exhausted, I just wanted to go back to bed, pull the covers over my face, and let my heart corrode in my chest. That wasn’t an option, though, because I had an engagement to witness. The punishment seemed cruel—watching two people who were madly in love promise to be married—but it was Beck and Emily, my favorite couple.

So, I left my heart on my doormat, fixed my face, and headed for The Atteridge.

From my spot on a hotel balcony, I watched Trevor crouch into position behind a sparse bush. I’d forgotten all about him agreeing to take pictures of the engagement. The site of him brought a fresh wave of what could have been.

I imagined pressing April in close, wrapping her in my arms when the October breeze picked up. We would have plucked Hors D’oeuvres off passing silver platters and laughed about the ridiculousness of an engagement party being more extravagant than most weddings. Instead, I stood beside Beck and Emily’s sisters—Victoria and Hailey—who linked arms in eager anticipation.

“Here they come!” Hailey squealed. Then she quieted down, probably remembering Beck’s threat to withhold wedding invitations to anyone who Emily spotted before she’d made a decision. He didn’t want her to feel peer-pressured into saying yes. “I see Beck’s curls!” she whisper-shouted.

Sure enough, there they were, walking hand-in-hand down the waterway. Emily chatted away, clueless to the audience that took up an entire side of the Atteridge. Friends and family occupied several balconies, giving us all a bird’s eye view of the proposal.

“I hope our nieces and nephews have Beck’s hair,” Hailey said.

“No way,” Victoria said, reaching out to touch the red hair Hailey had, identical to Emily’s. “We’re getting redhead babies. ”

I think on a normal day, I would have rolled my eyes. Emily and Beck weren’t even engaged, and these two were already talking about becoming aunts.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t a normal day for me. I was happy for Beck and Emily—truly—but I was also insanely jealous. I’d known for years that becoming a dad would never be an option, but suddenly, that fact felt like a terminal diagnosis. April had started opening doors, showing me new paths, and I’d wanted to go down every single one with her—journey the miles together.

Then I’d ruined everything. So instead, I’d have to settle with watching Beck and Emily and the thousands of possibilities their future held. It was like staring directly into the sun—so bright it hurt.

When they got closer to our spot on the waterway, they stopped to look at each other, and Beck pushed Emily’s hair behind her ears. They were too far below to hear, but he was saying something to her. She threw her head back and laughed, giving him a light shove before he pulled her back toward him. Then his expression turned serious. Her features softened as he spoke. The look they shared felt almost too intimate. I wondered what Beck was thinking about as his eyes searched hers. Was he remembering a secret moment between the two, admiring her beauty, thinking about how much he adored her? Those had been frequent thoughts when I’d looked at April.

I was able to pull out of my funk for just a second and appreciate the gravity of the moment. I’d given Beck a lot of shit about being nervous, but just waiting for the question to land felt huge.

Beck’s hand shook as he reached for the box in his back pocket. When his knee hit the ground, Emily was already crying, a hand over her mouth.

It was easy to read the question on his lips.

“Will you marry me?”

Emily didn’t keep him in suspense for long. She nodded vigorously. The balconies erupted in thunderous applause and cheering. Emily gasped, then laughed as her eyes roamed over the hotel.

My best friend, ever calm and cool, had tears in his eyes as he bellowed, “She said yes!” Then he dipped his bride-to-be and kissed her like the future was theirs for the taking.

The engagement party, which immediately followed, was every bit as extravagant as you’d expect from people who owned a hotel chain. The average participant might think they’d save some fanfare for the vows, but I’d been to an Atteridge wedding before and knew it was a whole other level of class.

I got the feeling Victoria had planned the party—or her people had—her elegant taste apparent in the low lighting and jazz, the option for guests to hang out in the ballroom or the rooftop, champagne flutes stacked in a pyramid. I wished I drank. Maybe that would have made the evening a little more manageable.

Beck, who’d been socializing in that charming way of his, stopped by my spot overlooking the waterway. He handed me a water bottle. “Thanks,” I said. “Where is your fiancée?” He smiled wide at the new title and nodded back towards a huddle by the bar.

My bunk buddy from Costa Rica—Koontz—told a very animated story to Victoria, Emily, and Hailey. They all laughed at whatever Koontz was saying, even Victoria, who promptly pressed her lips back into a flat line as though remembering she was above Koontz’s antics .

“Congratulations, man. I’m really happy for you,” I said, and I meant every word, even with my miserable circumstances.

“It’s hard to believe we’re old enough for things like marriage,” Beck said with a laugh.

“Yeah.” I gave a short laugh in return. The years since high school graduation had been swallowed whole.

I eyed the waterway. In one week, that’s where the swim for the Ironman would take place, and part of the run would trace along it. I’d been excited to see what April could do, but now I couldn’t be there for her. If I hadn’t gotten tangled up in her—physically and emotionally—I could have taken part in her big day and made sure she had everything she needed. Instead, I could only hope my guidance over the past three months would hold. Luckily, this close to race day, there weren’t even any training plans left to give. It was time to taper: eat carbs, drink water, and rest.

“You okay?” Beck asked.

Shit.

As the night wore on, the fake smile had slipped. “Yeah. Sorry—just tired. I don’t mean to be a downer on your big day.”

Beck rolled his beer in his hand before finally asking, “Did something happen between you and April?” If it had been anyone but Beck, I might have been surprised at how quickly he’d come to that conclusion.

“Just—” I sighed. “Things were getting serious, and I don’t do that.” I shrugged as if it didn’t feel like my heart had been run over by a semi.

“I’m sorry,” Beck said. I kept my eyes on the lights reflected in the waterway, but I could feel his eyes on my face, downloading all the information he needed. “I thought April might be . . . different for you.”

I could have ended the conversation there. Shut it down with a, No, man. We were just messing around , clapped him on the back and let him enjoy the rest of his party. That’s what he deserved, but fuck, I needed someone to talk to. So I surprised myself by being honest.

“She was.”

Beck was quiet for a long moment before asking, “What happened?”

Where to even start? The events of the past couple of weeks ran through my mind. I steadied my breath, realizing I hadn’t yet had to say the words out loud.

“We were going on a ride, and April lost control of her bike. She fell into oncoming traffic.” Beck froze. Whatever he’d expected from my story, this wasn’t it. “The car stopped in time, but—” I closed my eyes. The picture of her helmet, an arm’s length from the tire, was still so vivid. “I haven’t felt the same since.”

When I opened my eyes, Beck was just watching, waiting for me to say more, so I did. “Come to find out, her accident wasn’t truly an accident. Her former coach is my rival for A-Team, and he’s not exactly happy with the progress she’s made this season.” I tipped my head back, looking at the few stars visible this close to Houston. “He admitted to messing with her bike.” Just talking about it made my pulse pick up. “Then he—”

“At least I don’t sleep with my athletes.”

“Although, if I’d known that was all she needed, I would have fucked the inspiration into her a long time ago.”

I couldn’t repeat Clay’s words with an even voice, so I landed on, “He disrespected her in a room full of people.” I pulled my hand out of my pocket. I’d had it hidden there all evening, but now I turned my wrist to allow Beck a good look. The suggestion of bloodied knuckles sat beneath the wrapping. “So, I broke his fucking nose.”

Beck’s eyebrows hiked. He opened his mouth and then closed it. Normally, I’d revel in the ability to stun Beckett to silence, but now it just highlighted how messed up the situation was .

“You can say it.” I scoffed. “I lost my shit.”

“You made a mistake,” he corrected. “Depending on who you ask. If someone did that to Emily—” He shook his head and took a long pull of his beer. He swallowed, then straightened as realization dawned. “That’s why you broke up with April? Because you hit him?” He sounded almost disappointed.

“I can’t put her in danger.” Why couldn’t he see that? I realized I’d hoped for a little chastisement over punching Clay. It would have validated my decision to break up with April. When Beck didn’t offer it, I reminded him why I was so hellbent on this issue. “I won’t turn into my dad.”

“Gabe, cut yourself some slack.” He leaned against the railing, staring out at the waterway. “Trauma literally alters your brain chemistry. You said you haven’t felt the same since April’s wreck. In a messed-up sort of way, that’s normal.” He may have been an entitled rich kid, but he could write a textbook on grief and trauma, so he had my attention. “You think you’re fucked up? Well, you’re right, but it’s not because of your genetics or your past. It’s because you’re human. We’re all broken.”

I didn’t say anything as I chewed on those words. They were bitter at first, but there was something in the center of them. The camaraderie of human existence—of us all being in the thick of it—held hope. We were all damaged, but we weren’t alone.

“I’m emailing you my therapist’s details.” He tipped his beer bottle toward me. “Not because I think you have some sort of anger problem or because I think you’re a danger to society, but because I know you have unresolved shit to work through.”

“Thanks,” I said. I might not trust myself enough to be with April, but maybe I could work on myself for me.

“Beck!” Koontz bellowed, snapping our attention over to the bar. “She’s lying, right? You didn’t steal her promotion.”

I’d nearly forgotten about the party, but Emily smiled smugly, hands on her hips. She looked like she was daring Beck to argue. Beck gave me a playfully miserable look. “She always makes me out to be the villain in our story.”

“By telling the events exactly as they occurred?” I asked, thankful for the distraction from our dismal conversation.

“Hey! I thought you were on my side,” Beck said before sipping his beer.

“I don’t know what gave you that impression, but you should go tell your version anyway.”

He gave me a long look. “You sure?” He was worried about me, but tonight, he had a future bride to celebrate.

“Yep. I’m going to call it a night, but congratulations again.” I stuck out my uninjured hand, and we shook.

“Thanks, man.”

“And Emily!” I yelled. “Don’t forget the part where he got upset over a wet shirt!” Emily dissolved into giggles, and I ruffled Beck’s curls before heading for the elevator. “That’s my favorite part.”

As the elevator closed behind me, I saw Beck heading towards the group, trying to put out the flames. “Don’t listen to them. That is not what happened!”

And I had this pang, once again, wishing April had been there—that the night before had gone differently so all our future nights could have gone differently.