Page 42 of The Trade Deadline

Chapter 29

Lars

They were in the team gym, spotting each other at the squat bar. Lars set the bar back on the rack and breathed deeply as he recovered, only to have Ryan ruin it.

“So, my apartment is done,” he said conversationally, like he wasn’t dropping a bombshell that effectively destroyed the really good thing they had going where they lived together and never had to acknowledge it. Stupid reality.

Lars no longer felt like he could stay on his feet, so he stepped aside and gave up his third set.

“Oh,” Lars said with fake nonchalance as he watched Ryan change the weight on the rack. God, he was hot. He ogled a little more, then, because as both a friend and possible boyfriend he should, he offered, “Want me to help you get settled back in?”

Ryan nodded. As he began his set, a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. Lars watched it; he had to bite his tongue to keep from leaning over to lick it up. He was a terrible spotter.

“We can stop by your place to grab my stuff, pick up dinner…” Ryan left the other activities up to Lars’s imagination, a gap he was more than happy to fill in. “Even if I hadn’t been out of there a month, there’d be nothing worth cooking.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m sure there are some creative recipes where you can make brownies with protein powder or creatine cupcakes.”

“Ew.”

“You’d totally eat those, bro,” Jordy said as he walked by.

“You guys suck,” Ryan called after him. To Lars he said, “I mean, I’d try them, but I’m no cook. I can’t make regular food taste good. No way I can make weird food edible.”

“You made scrambled eggs that one time. They were good.”

“It was supposed to be an omelet.”

“Still good.”

“Shut up and finish your reps,” Ryan grumbled as he stepped aside for Lars to take over, though there was no bite to it.

Lars was distracted for the rest of training. He had to lower his weights and run a lighter speed on the treadmill or he’d hurt himself, because all he could think about was Ryan’s apartment. Which was stupid. He’d been to his apartment before. Slept there, ate there, fucked there. And it wasn’t like Ryan was moving out. His stay had always been temporary. A convenience thing, not long-term or a commitment or anything like that. They weren’t breaking up. They weren’t technically even together.

That last thought was way less reassuring than it should’ve been.

After a lackluster workout, Lars found excuse after excuse to delay leaving. Talking to Coach Thompkins about some ideas for the Power Play. Reminiscing about past All Star games with Jake. Complaining about American food to the Russians (and then about Russian food with the other Europeans). As long as Ryan’s stuff was still at his condo, nothing was changing.

Eventually there were no more excuses and he found Ryan in the lobby. He was playing a game on his phone, as patient as ever while he waited for Lars to get his shit together.

Unbothered by the change in their living arrangements.

Of course he was. He wasn’t losing anything. He was regaining his home, his privacy.

Lars knew his mood was darkening. He felt like he had when Anders had appeared in Vancouver: a bucket of cold water to ruin his expectations and make him act like a wet blanket. He tried to smile more and be extra helpful as they gathered Ryan’s things to combat his…annoyance? Hurt? Confusion? Fuck, he didn’t know what he was feeling, but he didn’t like it.

It didn’t take long to pack Ryan’s things. Despite nearly a month there, he hadn’t brought much other than clothes, and he’d kept those as organized as he did on road trips. There was a book he’d only opened once, his nice razor, the lucky necklace he only wore on game days, and that was it. Lars was secretly pleased when Ryan didn’t take any of his other toiletries—the toothbrush, the deodorant, the shampoo+body wash he preferred that smelled like nothing in the bottle but somehow gave Ryan a faintly pine smell—because it implied not only would be he be staying here again, but hopefully soon. Lars’s relief made his smiles come more easily, and he was able to joke on the drive to Ryan’s place without forcing it.

They took the elevator as usual. He remembered that surprising him, that Ryan didn’t take the stairs. For someone so intent on unnecessary exercise, it delighted Lars to see Ryan take it easy for once. When they arrived at his floor, Lars’s stomach lurched just as the doors swung open.

“Bro, you’re back!”

Ryan had barely taken a step off the elevator before a short-ish, skinny guy wrapped him in a hug. Lars watched curiously as the shaggy-haired guy with too-loose clothes and untied shoes hugged Ryan, who was left to awkwardly pat his back since his own arms were pinned to his sides. Ryan looked happy, though, with a shy smile not unlike the one he had when the coach praised his playing. Lars decided immediately that he liked this guy; he clearly appreciated Ryan the way he deserved.

“I’m back,” Ryan confirmed when he was released. “Thanks for your help. Everything good?”

“Yeah, it looks great. When you said you were coming back today, I double-checked that they fixed everything and got it cleaned up. The landlord had them replace all the damaged stuff, so it looks better than before, honestly. I forgot you wouldn’t have any food or I would’ve?—”

“It’s alright,” Ryan interrupted. “We picked some up on the way.”

“We?” And then he finally noticed Lars standing there.

Lars waved and held up the bag of food to prove Ryan wasn’t making up the meal. Or his guest.

“Tanner, this is my teammate, Lars. Lars, this is my neighbor, Tanner. He lives in the apartment below mine.”

Lars offered a hand; Tanner’s eyes went wide as he shook it limply.

“Lars Nilsson?” he said with the type of awe Lars was all too familiar with. He’d probably have to sign an autograph if the guy was a fan. He wondered briefly why Ryan hadn’t asked on his neighbor’s behalf before, until: “The Lars from Ryan’s hookup in Switzerland?”

He wondered briefly if he was dreaming.

“I’m sorry, what ? — ?”

“Yes, that Lars.” Ryan sounded both amused and very put upon.

Tanner’s handshake became much more enthusiastic. “Sweet! Nice to meet you, dude. I’m glad you and Ryan figured your shit out, or I’d maybe have to have words with you.”

At this Lars raised an eyebrow. “Words about what, exactly?” Then he put it together and was instantly mortified (and once again happy Ryan had a friend like Tanner). “You told him I forgot?” He put on his best wounded expression. He was pretty sure it was convincing, even though his niece and nephew never bought it.

“In my defense, I never thought you two would meet,” Ryan joked.

“Hard same,” Tanner agreed. “I’ll let you two enjoy your dinner. Bro, come visit sometime this week. I got that new DLC I was talking about and I need your help in co-op to get the last few achievements.”

“Sure. And thanks again for your help, man. You’re the best.”

Tanner beamed at the praise and then disappeared into the elevator. Lars regretted not inviting him to eat with them, but he got the impression Tanner didn’t want to be a third wheel. Or rather, he didn’t want to be a third wheel tonight. He seemed the type who was completely comfortable crashing a date.

The apartment smelled faintly of paint, but there was no other sign anything had been wrong. At least not to Lars’s eye, and granted, he was more acquainted with the bed than the plumbing.

“You know,” Lars said as he unpacked the food, “I’m a little offended you told your neighbor we had sex before you told me .”

“Whose fault is it that you needed to be told?” Ryan said with a wink, then disappeared into his bedroom with his duffle bag and roller suitcase. All right, fair point. It was probably good that Ryan had had an outlet to talk about the weirdness of becoming teammates with a guy he’d fucked and who subsequently had forgotten he’d existed.

It was also probably in Lars’s best interest that he had forgotten. He couldn’t imagine remembering Ryan and not wanting to see him again. It would’ve wreaked havoc on his entry into the NHL, always looking for his next game against Ryan and pining. It might’ve made for a rocky start in Baltimore, but Lars firmly believed things had happened for the best.

“It’s weird being back,” Ryan said when he reappeared. “I think I got used to your place.”

“It is pretty nice,” Lars said. “All the natural light.”

“The giant sofa.” He sounded wistful as he looked to his worn leather sofa, just large enough for them to sit side by side but not long enough for either of them to lie on. “Though my bed is better, hands down.”

Lars made a face. “Is it?”

“I have twice as many pillows, my down comforter is fantastic, and the mattress is better for my back. Yours feels like there’s a lump on the right side that has a grudge against my kidney.”

“That lump’s there to force you closer to me,” he teased. He pulled Ryan in so they were hip to hip. Cozy. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks.” Ryan hesitated. “It’s good to be back. Not because I wasn’t enjoying being at your place, but it was constant anxiety, y’know? It’s nice to have that done so I can, like, focus on other stuff.”

Lars trailed his thumbs back and forth along the skin right above the waistband of Ryan’s pants, where his shirt had ridden up. Ryan had a lot of things that stressed him out, Lars knew. That was why Ryan worked so hard to stay in shape, why he put more into practice than all but the AHL and rookie players trying to earn their place. He had never seemed stressed about his apartment while he was staying with Lars, but of course he must have been.

…was Lars a source of stress? Because this thing between them was happening and they hadn’t put any labels on it?

“I…” he started slowly, trying to simultaneously find the right words and gauge Ryan’s reaction to them. “I want you to know…I liked living with you…I’m glad you have your space back and don’t have to worry about it…but…I’ll miss having you all to myself…” The words got stuck and he couldn’t push more out.

Ryan’s expression gave nothing away but he sucked in a deep breath, held it a moment and then let it out in a rush. His left hand held Lars’s bicep while his right came up to rest at the back of his head where his fingers curled into his hair. Lars loved when Ryan did that, the tactile soothing nature of the gesture, and he had avoided cutting his hair to encourage the habit. It was too long most of the time, starting to get in his eyes, but moments like this reminded him why he did it.

“I liked staying with you.” Ryan spoke with the same caution Lars had, like he was wading into a river and didn’t know how deep it was. “And not just because it was less awkward than staying with Tanner would’ve been. I…really enjoyed getting to see you all the time…and don’t want to stop seeing you all the time…just…” He tilted his head to indicate the room around them. “I want to do some of it here again.”

It wasn’t everything. There were still things left unsaid, questions unasked and feelings unowned. Still, it felt like they’d shared something, made some progress. Not bad for two guys who’d never had a real relationship before.

“Good. Me too.” He moved his hands higher to wrap around Ryan’s back. Their chests bumped and Lars thought he could feel Ryan’s heart. He rubbed their noses together before stealing a quick kiss. “Let’s eat dinner so you can try to convince me your bed is, in fact, better.”