Page 38 of The Spirit of Love

I try to imagine my reunion with Sam going well enough that I invite him to come meet my friends.

It’s hard to picture him on The Midlife Crisis , maybe because he hasn’t even reached his quarter life?

Or maybe because everything with Sam is hard to picture—all dreamlike and removed from reality—when I’m not right next to him.

Which is why I’m going to get next to him again.

I would like to get clear on whether there’s still something between us.

To do that, I’m definitely going to need to stop thinking about Jude.

Jude, whom it’s actually easier to picture on this boat, playing poker with my crew, talking art with Masha and Eli, entertainment with Jake, and personal growth with Olivia. I sigh and push away the thoughts.

Jude will never be on this boat, never hang out with my friends, because kissing me last night made him want to flee.

The pop of a champagne cork comes as a welcome interruption to my shame spiral. Olivia, Masha, and I all turn around to find Eli holding five glass flutes and Jake filling them with varying strengths of bubbling drinks.

“I’ll make the toast,” I say when Jake hands me a glass. I lift it, looking each of my friends in the eyes. “To sailing together through whatever The Midlife Crisis brings.” I pause. “And also, Jude and I kissed last night. Cheers!”

I down the contents of my glass before I have to look at my friend’s faces. Olivia’s and Masha’s jaws have dropped, but Eli and Jake somehow are nodding.

“What, you knew?” Olivia demands of her husband, as if he’s been keeping a money-laundering scheme a secret for a decade.

Jakes puts up his hands, gesturing innocence. “I didn’t know it was a last-night thing, but I figured it was a sooner-or-later thing. They looked like they were about to jam at our wedding. Did they not, Dan?”

Dan honks the yacht’s horn in the affirmative.

“You saw us?” I had no idea anyone was watching.

“Did I not tell you they were vibing?” Eli nudges Masha.

“You did, baby,” Masha says, then looks at me. “He did.”

“Remember that picture I took?” Eli reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone.

He scrolls to find the photo and flashes the screen at me, and I study the still of Jude and me mid–slow dance, mid-conversation, mid-smile.

We’re in the middle of all the things, and we look as natural as I felt last night when we were in the middle of that kiss.

It’s just the edges, the surrounding moments, when Jude and I have friction.

The end of last night. Ugh.

It hurts my heart a little to see how good we look together in this picture. But as a newly initiated TV director, I know how much smoke and mirrors cameras can capture. Tricks of light. Frozen frames that capture just a moment and not their subjects’ full complexities.

Even if this picture looks like what I want, it’s not what Jude and I actually have.

“What am I doing?” I wonder aloud.

“You’re in the middle of telling us about kissing Jude last night,” Olivia prompts. “Set the stage. Who kissed who? Against what surface? How far did you go—”

“Is there any chance you’re pregnant?” Masha asks.

“Ladies,” Jake says. “Let Fenny tell it her way.”

“Looking back,” I say, “it may have been building for weeks.”

“Ya think?” Eli says under his breath.

“Shut it,” Masha says to him.

“We’ve been working so closely together, getting along so well. Having fun. Yesterday’s shoot was…”

I look at my friends, windblown and hanging on the edge of the yacht’s railing for me to complete that sentence.

“Not without its drama—”

“It is Zombie Hospital ,” Olivia says with a knowing laugh.

“I wish you could have seen it, Liv,” I say.

“Me, too, babe.”

“Buster nailed the climax scene. The whole cast and crew were in great spirits when we wrapped for the day. I used to think directing made a person so untouchable, so removed from the rest of the cast. Jude made me see it differently. The way he brought me in when he was directing inspired me to bring in as many people as possible yesterday when I was. The whole cast was tremendous, and if I had anything to do with it, I’m grateful.

I never would even have had that chance if it wasn’t for Jude.

I mean, actually…I would have…if we’d never met, but… you know what I mean.”

“You mean you’re glad you met,” Eli said.

“Jude went above and beyond, going to bat for you yesterday,” Masha said. “And he knew, like we all knew, that you’d crush it.”

“And then…” Olivia prompts.

I nod. “Well, we had an argument on set. That’s not breaking news, but something about this one felt different. It rubbed me raw. And then he came over to apologize, and we went out on the canals in my canoe. We tried to kiss on the water, but instead the two of us and his dog went overboard.”

“WHAT.” Olivia starts laughing.

I tell my friends how we both surfaced under the canoe and started laughing, how we swam to shore and wrung out our embarrassed asses, then dashed to my place to dry off. And how we tried that kiss again.

I sigh. “Everything about it felt right.”

I pause, realizing I’ve just hit on the truth. I close my eyes.

“But?” Masha prompts me after a minute.

“But he stopped. Because he said I needed to figure out what’s going on with Sam.”

“Wow,” Jake says. “I knew I liked Jude.”

“Which brings us to now,” Olivia says. “ That’s why you’re here?”

I nod.

“So what do you want to be going on with Sam?” Masha asks.

“I don’t know. I’m completely confused.”

“I think you’ll know,” Masha says. “I think by the end of this weekend, one way or another, you’ll know.”

“I’m terrified I won’t.”

Olivia puts an arm around me and gives my shoulder a squeeze. She points toward the island, now coming into view beneath a mist of fog.

There’s magic here, for sure.

“The answer’s inside you, Fenny,” Olivia says. “You’ll know it when it’s time.”