Page 31 of The Secret Librarian

‘I give you my word,’ she said, clearing her throat to disguise the catch in her voice.

‘I won’t do anything other than sell books.

I promise.’ Camille knew how careful she had to be now, especially when Kiefer could turn her over to the PVDE whenever he wanted if he changed his mind about her.

She needed to stay on the right side of him.

‘Good. I’m pleased we came to an understanding so quickly.’

‘Does this mean you forgive me for going through your things?’

‘It’s not quite so easy for me to forgive, Camille, but I do have a proposition for you,’ he said. ‘A way you can make it up to me.’

She lifted her chin and looked him directly in the eye.

‘My friends here have been impressed by my beautiful French girlfriend, so I would very much like you to join us for drinks and continue to see me until I go. I want to keep up pretences.’

‘You want me to remain your faithful lover?’ Her brows lifted. ‘In exchange for ...’

‘Not turning you in to the PVDE,’ he said, with a wolfish smile that told her exactly what he was capable of if she didn’t agree. ‘You keep me satisfied until I go, and you keep yourself safe. It is a very simple agreement, no?’

‘Yes,’ she replied, as if it didn’t mean anything to her, that it wouldn’t be hard for her to remain intimate with him when in truth it made her want to retch. ‘But I still have one question to ask you.’

His smile was off-putting, but she didn’t let it stop her.

‘How much do you know about me, Kiefer?’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘I know that you weren’t married to a Portuguese man, and that your husband was killed in France.’

She baulked, taken by surprise, but she didn’t bother denying it.

‘Do you also know of the British double agent who was responsible for my husband’s death?’ Her breath was ragged, her heart pounding in her chest, hoping she wouldn’t regret asking her question so boldly. But she knew this might be her only chance to ask him outright.

‘I don’t,’ he replied, and before she could protest at his lack of answer, Kiefer leaned forward and spoke again. ‘But I could find out.’

‘Kiefer, if you’ve ever cared for me, if any part of what we’ve had here meant something to you—’

‘We’re clear about our arrangement?’ he asked, interrupting her.

Camille didn’t let him hear her hesitation. She knew what was expected of her. ‘We are.’

‘Then I will find out what I can for you.’

She hesitantly stood and then stepped forward when Kiefer held out his hand. She placed her palm against his, hoping that she could, indeed, trust his word, and that he wouldn’t have her arrested the moment he was gone.

‘Camille,’ he said, keeping hold of her hand and staring into her eyes. ‘Once I’m gone, the PVDE would only need a little provocation to arrest you or put a bullet in your head. Do you understand?’

She slowly took her hand from his. ‘I know how to deal with men like Santos. He doesn’t scare me.’ But you do. Camille swallowed, watching the way Kiefer’s eyes drifted to her throat before meeting hers again, unsettling her.

‘Well, he should scare you,’ he said. ‘But from now on, no giving the Jews food, no helping them, nothing. As far as you’re concerned, those refugees no longer exist.’

Camille nodded. ‘I understand.’

She turned her back on him as she took her things and went into the bathroom to get changed, her mind racing.

But when she came out, she crossed the room and went to Kiefer, placing her hands on his shoulders and leaning in to press a kiss to his lips, knowing how easily he could have turned her in rather than help her.

And she was still playing a role, now more than ever.

‘Thank you,’ she murmured. ‘You’ve turned out to be nothing like who I thought you were, even if we are on opposite sides of this war.’

He kissed her back, his hands grazing her hips, and she knew that, whatever had grown between them, it would be over in a second if he found out that she was taking copies of his maps.

‘Camille, I’m going to be at the Hotel Avenida tonight. Will I see you there?’

She nodded, understanding what he was asking of her, that he wanted to know that she would be keeping up her end of the bargain. ‘You will.’

Now that he knew her secrets, she would do anything she had to, to keep him on her side.

Hours later, Camille stretched her legs out, wiggling her toes in the sand as she stared out at the water.

There was something about the beach that made the weight lift off her shoulders; it almost made her forget everything that had come before.

Almost . She doubted anything would ever take away all her pain or memories, but at least being near the water stilled her mind, and for that she was grateful.

Kiefer was dominating her thoughts, no matter how much she tried not to think about him, finding it hard to believe that he might willingly end up being the one to give her the information she needed.

He’d been on her mind ever since she’d left his hotel room that morning.

‘Do you have beaches in New York?’ she asked Avery, suddenly realising how little she knew about America and wanting to talk about anything that took her mind off Kiefer and the promises she’d made.

‘We do actually. They’re different from this, but they’re lovely. My mother would often take us there in summers for the day. They’re some of my favourite memories because it was the only time we were ever allowed ice cream,’ Avery said. ‘Did you have any beaches near where you grew up?’

‘In Paris? No. It’s why I find the beach so special here, because it’s like nothing I could have ever imagined when I was a child.

’ Camille smiled. ‘But it’s nice to hear about New York.

I keep wondering what awaits all those families, in limbo and dreaming of a place that will be safe for them. I needed to hear that today.’

They sat, sunning themselves on the golden sand, watching two people swimming in the ocean. The beach was remarkably quiet, aside from a few couples sunbathing further down to the right, and she had a feeling that Avery sensed she needed time to just sit and think.

‘You know, when I came here, I never could have imagined a place so different and beautiful,’ Avery said.

‘A place where a Nazi like your Kiefer could be standing on a street corner across from a Jewish mother and her children, or even browsing in a bookshop side by side. I don’t suppose I understood the nuances of being in a neutral country. I simply imagined a place not at war.’

‘Anywhere else in Europe ...’ Camille said, not wanting to even finish her sentence. She tried to push the thought away, something she’d never had much success at doing. ‘Portugal isn’t perfect, but being here gives a person hope. Or at least that’s how I like to see it.’

They sat in silence for a while, before Avery spoke again.

‘I have to ask you, Camille, how can you stand to be with Kiefer? Doesn’t it make your stomach turn to think about what he stands for? Isn’t it impossible to pretend sometimes?’

Camille nodded, staring back out at the ocean again.

‘Being with him the first time almost broke me, but everything I do, everything I’ve done, is because it feels like my only choice at the time.

It’s because it helps me to get one step closer to finding out the information I need, and I think it’s given me a degree of protection that I hadn’t realised until now. ’

‘I understand. I admire you, Camille. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.’

Camille closed her eyes. If Avery knew the deal she’d just made, she might not think so highly of her.

‘Do you find it hard not to think of your husband when you’re with him?’ Avery asked, softly, as if she wasn’t certain she should be asking at all.

‘Hugo is never far from my thoughts. He was the only man I’ve ever loved, and the only man I can ever imagine loving.’

‘Did you know Hugo was the one?’ Avery asked, hesitantly. ‘Right from the start?’

‘Oh, I knew,’ Camille said, closing her eyes and seeing him in her mind, smiling at her from across the table, his eyes so warm, his fingers stretching out to touch hers. ‘He meant everything to me from the moment we met. Nothing could have kept us apart.’

‘This world has lost so many young men,’ Avery said. ‘Sometimes I wonder, once it’s all over, how it will ever go back to the way it was. How we’ll ever rebuild what has been lost.’

Camille didn’t disagree with her. ‘My brother was determined to fight for France. So many young men were so excited, as if they were off to have the time of their lives without even thinking about what it was truly going to be like,’ she said.

‘His letters went from cheerful to sad very quickly, and when the telegram came to say he’d died, I honestly think it was too much for my father to stand. ’

‘They were close?’ Avery asked.

‘As close as could be. My mother died when we were young, and it had been the three of us for so long. Us against the world we used to say, and then when Hugo and I ended up together, he was as much part of the family as the rest of us.’

‘Your father passed soon after your brother?’

Camille looked out at the water, kneading sand between her fingers as she thought back to the day he’d died. The memory was as vivid as ever.

‘Hugo was home on leave when France was occupied, it’s how we both ended up in the Resistance,’ she told Avery.

‘We visited my father as much as we could, me more than Hugo because he stayed with the other men who’d joined our cell in the countryside, but one day when I arrived home, I found my father in his favourite armchair by the window.

I still hope to this day that he just passed away in his sleep and didn’t feel any pain, because he looked so peaceful when I found him.

As if he’d finally found his way back to my brother. ’