Page 14 of The Secret Crush Book Club (Peach Blossom #3)

“Wow,” Ava replied, looking at Dani as if she was seeing her for the first time. “How the hell have you never stopped to think that you liked women too? You were the one Vini and I talked to when we came out.”

The question was valid and yet Dani didn’t have an answer.

“I don’t know,” she replied, frustration bubbling within her like a pot of boiling water left unattended on the stove.

“I just never really had time to think about it. Mom was sick and then there was school. After school, there was Jordan and Mom’s funeral.

Vini was so young, and Dad was almost unable to cope, and you were so angry, Ava. ”

Dani stood up, the energy she felt sending her pacing around the room as she thought back over all of the years that she might have lost not being able to look inward. She had clearly missed such a massive part of herself, and it was damn near overwhelming.

“And I get it, Ava. I understood why you were angry because you had to give up a lot of things to come back, but it just meant that I did my best to try to keep things as smooth as possible. I wanted to make sure home was one of the last things you had to worry about on top of everything else, and that meant putting everything else on the back burner.” Dani’s voice faded away as she thought about the years spent on everything other than figuring out her own shit.

She wasn’t upset with her family. They were all just doing what they needed to do to get through loss and grief.

She was just frustrated that there could’ve been something so big inside herself that she never got a chance to uncover or understand—until now, when it seemed like it was almost too late.

“Wow.”

Dani stopped when she heard Vini’s voice and turned. Ava was still seated at her desk, but now her hand was holding up the phone with Vini’s face on the screen. Dani hadn’t realized Ava had called her in, but she appreciated not having to have this conversation twice.

“I’m sorry, Dani.” Vini’s voice was uncharacteristically subdued, and that plus Ava’s expression cooled some of Dani’s frustration. “I don’t think I ever really thought about everything you were juggling back then.”

“It’s okay,” Dani said, trying to halt any apologies. She wasn’t bringing these things up to make her sisters feel bad, but it felt cathartic to get it out. “We were all doing what we needed to do. I’m not upset about any of it.”

Ava spoke up. “I know, but still. I’m sorry too, sis.”

While she appreciated the apologies, it wasn’t what Dani wanted to hear right now.

Right now, she wanted to make sense of the thoughts and feelings inside her, but how could she do all that when she didn’t have a playbook?

She didn’t have a plan for how it should all go.

She wasn’t even sure if this was something that Ava or Vini could understand.

Thinking back to the conversations they’d all had back when they were younger and hormones had made their appearances, both Ava and Vini had known right away who they were and the gender they liked.

But here Dani was, having these thoughts years later when she should conceivably already know who she was.

She felt like she was starting from scratch.

In a way, she felt almost juvenile, and it led to more frustration.

Frustration at having to figure all this out at the eleventh hour like she was standing on a cliff, teetering at the edge and not sure if she had a parachute on or not.

Dani had a life and a career and a kid for crying out loud.

How was it she was just now figuring out whether she liked women or not.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but where did she go from here?

How did she talk to Jordan about this? Did she talk to Jordan about this?

She had barely talked to him about going on dates with men.

He knew that occasionally she went out because he would stay home with either his aunts or his grandad, but Dani had always said she wouldn’t introduce Jordan to anyone she dated until after at least six months, and only if the relationship was headed to something more long-lasting and serious.

But he had already met Zoey; saw her more than Dani did in fact.

What happened if something went terribly wrong and that messed up the relationship between him and his favorite librarian?

“It’s fine,” Dani says finally. She walked back over and sank back down onto the bed like her strings had been cut. “It’s all fine. I just…don’t know what to do now. I’m going out with Zoey tomorrow, and I don’t know if I should say something about this or not.”

“You do whatever you feel like you need to,” Vini said. “There’s no timetable for life, Dani. You can just feel things out and take your time.”

“And Zoey seems like a really good person,” Ava added in. “I think if you talk to her about things that she’ll understand.”

“You think?” Dani asked, uncharacteristically vulnerable in a way that felt simultaneously good and terrifying.

She wanted to force her voice to be stronger, firmer, more like her usual self.

But if she couldn’t be vulnerable with her sisters, then who else could she be this way with?

Zoey’s face flashed in her mind and she was surprised but also intrigued that maybe this could be a new beginning.

“I mean,” Ava said, pulling her attention again. “I always sensed at the very least some bisexual energy from Zoey. No straight woman would have those many cardigans and I’m pretty sure she drives a Subaru.”

“Those are really reliable cars,” Vini jumped in. “Much better than Ava’s shitty Prius.”

“My Prius is a very economical car!”

Dani laughed softly as Ava and Vini bickered over the line.

It gave her some time to come to terms with such a big shift in her mind.

Dani still had so many questions for herself, and only the knowledge that she had people she could go to kept the panic at bay.

If she had realized this about herself earlier, would she have been in a different relationship?

Would she have found the love of her life sooner?

Would she have even stayed in Peach Blossom?

How differently would her life have gone had she even considered the possibility?