Page 43 of The Rest is History

‘She was really upset, Charlie,’ she says, her brow creasing with concern.

‘I couldn’t exactly talk to her properly—not in the classroom—but she didn’t seem to understand why you did it.

She’s guessing she freaked you out because you thought Aurelia was making her broody.

And I suspect she’s right—just not in the way she thinks? ’

‘Jesus.’ I lower my face, pushing the heels of my hands into my eye sockets as hard as I can.

Emmy sits and waits, one palm rubbing comforting circles on my hunched back.

‘Mate.’ Jack’s tone is a warning.

‘Stop.’

‘Fuck.’ The sofa lifts as he gets up and paces.

‘Let me get this straight. She’s the one, and you haven’t told her you can’t have kids, and you’ve been hoping the whole issue would just miraculously disappear, but now you’ve had a massive fucking freak-out and dumped her without actually bothering to tell her why. ’

‘It’s for the best,’ I tell the ground.

He slams his glass down on the table, making me jump.

‘It is not for the fucking best, dumbass. Because you’re both crazy about each other—anyone with eyes can see that—and you’ve gone and ruined it for absolutely no reason except that you’re too fucking cowardly to have it out with her.’

I look up. ‘That’s not it, you dick. It’d be a deal-breaker for her.’

‘Would it. Just like it was with Adeline, eh?’

I flinch.

Jack sits.

Emmy takes my hand in hers and grips tightly. I can feel her empathy and compassion radiating through her touch. Pity my brother’s brand of caring takes a tougher form.

‘Listen to me very carefully,’ Jack says, picking up my scotch and holding it out to me.

What the hell. Gin, scotch. I’ll try whatever will numb the pain. I take it from him and sip, savouring the flash of scorching heat down my throat. Fuck, that’s good.

‘Remember how stupid you thought I was for breaking things off with Em when I found out she was pregnant with another man’s kid and had my epic hissy fit?’

I nod, momentarily soothed by the fact that I’m not the only idiot in this family. ‘Even Marge could see what you were too fucking useless to see.’ Marge, rest her gentle soul, was Jack’s old, blind labrador, and possibly the finest dog I’ve had the privilege of knowing. She fell hard for Emmy.

He leans forward. ‘Well, this is far more stupid. It’s a non-event, and you’re making it into an event.’

That’s ridiculous. ‘Listen. It brought down my marriage. El thinks I’m her great white hope, and I can’t even give her a baby. Adeline chose. She chose the hope of having a baby over our marriage. I can’t let that happen again. But worse, I can’t let Elodie choose me.’

Adeline saw me as a failure. A waste of space. Damaged goods—a man who couldn’t make her happy. Couldn’t make her life whole. And worse, because we’d been together since uni, she saw me as someone who’d wasted years of her life.

Almost a decade invested in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t what she thought he was.

Almost a decade wasted because she was going to have to start from scratch and find someone new.

My brother’s mouth opens as if he’s trying to get his thoughts straight before he speaks.

‘Adeline had specific hopes and dreams for her future, and she did what she felt she had to do, so she walked. And we have to respect that.’

I open my mouth to speak but he holds up a hand. ‘Wait. But what I cannot respect was the way she did it. It was a fucking disgrace.’

‘She was hurt,’ I argue. ‘She was absolutely devastated, and it all came out as this toxic mess. But I can’t blame her for it.’

‘Yes you can .’ Jack slams his fist on the table, and Emmy and I jump.

‘Jesus Christ. I can’t believe your therapist didn’t work this shit out with you.

Listen to me. You can’t be responsible for other people being dicks.

Ads was a dick to you. Imagine if you’d found out that she was the one with fertility issues.

Would you have reacted like that? Blamed her for wasting your time, called her less than? Would you have walked?’

I recoil. ‘Course not.’

‘Of course you wouldn’t. Jesus. You would have been there for her.

Supported her. Not treated her like she was some freak.

You guys would have made a plan together.

So you have a physiological… issue, which means you can’t bear kids.

The idea that your wife —the person who should have been your greatest ally—could ever make you feel less than on that basis makes my blood fucking boil, mate.

’ He pauses. ‘Call it instinct, but I bet Elodie would never do that to you.’

‘She wouldn’t.’ I take a healthy mouthful of scotch. ‘That’s precisely why I had to cut the cord. Because I bet she’d stay, and by staying she’d be walking away from her own hopes and dreams for me. And I don’t want that for her. I want her to have the whole world.’

Emmy leans her head on my shoulder. ‘We know you do, sweetie. But what if she wants you more than anything else?’

‘It’s still an imperfect option for her.

She’d have to compromise on everything she’s ever wanted.

It’s too big a sacrifice for her. You saw her the other night—she’s a natural.

She’s so maternal, and Aurelia brought her so much joy.

You could see it, clear as day on her face.

I want her to have that. I’m not a charity case. ’

‘It’s not about being a charity case,’ Emmy says. ‘When you love someone, you want them more than you want anything else in life.’

‘Look,’ Jack says. ‘The best kind of families are messy. Take my brood. You think I love Bertie any less because he’s not my flesh and blood?’

He pauses, clearly expecting an answer, and I shake my head. ‘No.’

‘Damn right I don’t. He rocks my world—my life just wouldn’t be the same without him.’

‘Jack and I have one biological kid together, out of six,’ Emmy says, lifting her head off my shoulder and tipping my chin up so she can look at me.

‘One. But it doesn’t feel like that. All those kids are in my life for a reason.

Martha and Mia and the twins feel just as much mine as Aurelia and Bertie do.

Bertie is as much Jack’s son as Aurelia is his daughter.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is having them around.

Getting to watch them grow up. The rest is semantics. ’

I get what they’re saying. I really do. But it’s so different for them.

‘I appreciate that, but you guys have kids coming out of your ears. You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have the opposite problem.

To meet a woman, and ache to give her everything she wants, and not to be able to deliver the one thing you know will give her life greater purpose and joy than anything else. ’

‘That’s a lot of hypotheticals, mate.’ Jack leans back and stretches. ‘You need to have this conversation with Elodie. It’s insulting as fuck to her not to.’

I catch the warning glare Emmy gives my brother.

‘I think maybe it’s more about getting creative with solutions,’ she says softly.

‘Sperm donors. Adoption. Fostering, even. Look at Elodie and her niece. They were so sweet together the other night. Families come in all shapes and sizes, Charlie. It’s crazy in this day and age to think infertility has to rob you of your chance of happiness. ’

I sit there in the evening sunlight with my brother and his beautiful wife, their well-meaning words appreciated but not entirely absorbed.

Because they don’t get it. I’m not being stupid. I’m being noble, for fuck’s sake. I love this woman, and I won’t let her throw away the family she wants because she fell for the wrong guy.

She’ll make the most incredible mother one day. God, it makes my heart hurt just thinking about her, pregnant and radiant. Nursing. Cooing over her little ones, those huge eyes shining with joy.

No way will I give her the opportunity to make the wrong choice.