Page 39 of The Rest is History

Elodie

‘ C an I talk to you later?’ Charlie asks me as I prepare to make my way to my classroom for morning registration.

We’ve driven in together, and he’s been quiet, even for him.

He was quiet last night, too, when we got home, though that’s not a huge surprise.

I suspect massive, noisy family gatherings take it out of him.

Though this gathering certainly didn’t take so much out of him that he was unable to perform last night. Quite the opposite. He was like a man possessed when he got me into bed. I swear I’ve never been so adored in my life.

The L-word is so close to bursting out of me it’s a physical effort to keep it in.

‘Of course.’ I lean down and brush a kiss over his lips. ‘Lunch?’

‘I’m supervising batting practice at lunch. I’ll come find you at the end of the day. Maybe we can go for a walk by the river.’

‘Sounds perfect,’ I say dreamily. ‘Later, honey.’

I don’t see much of him during the day, except in passing in our office between periods. The kids are all on good form today, after a week off school. It seems like every single family went somewhere glamorous and hot. Is it normal for that many children to have been to the Amalfi Coast?

Zara and I take our salads outside at lunch and watch batting practice in the nets. There’s something for everyone here: I get to ogle Charlie’s delicious forearms and she gets to ogle Pete Gibbs’ pert backside.

‘How’s it going with Pete?’ I ask as I stuff a forkful of salad in my mouth.

She shrugs. ‘Okay. We went out for a drink on Friday.’

‘ What? How did I not know that?’

‘Because it was really last minute. And it wasn’t just the two of us. I saw him in the cafeteria and he asked me if I fancied grabbing a drink with him and some of the other teachers later that night.’

I stare. ‘And how was it?’

‘It was good. He’s cute. And he walked me back to the bus stop and kissed the breath right out of me. He’s a really good kisser.’ She picks at the edge of her pita bread. Those strawberry nails are still going strong.

‘That’s great. So why aren’t you more excited?’

She sighs. ‘I’ve been asking myself that all weekend.

Like, he’s extremely hot. Great body. His bum was off the charts when I got a feel of it.

Really handsome. Sweet. Friendly. I don’t know.

He’s just a bit… basic. I’d shag him, don’t get me wrong, but I think you and Charlie are spoiling me for life. ’

I laugh. ‘What the hell do you mean?’

‘Come on. You’re both so madly in love it’s ridiculous. You light up each other’s lives. I want something like that. With Pete, it’s just a bit average, that’s all. He’s a fun distraction at school. But honestly, outside of school I don’t really think about him.’

‘Oh.’ I slump. ‘That’s a shame.’ I sneak a sideways look at her.

She’s looking gorgeous as always: blonde and sun kissed and chic.

She’s smart and hilarious. She’ll make some guy count his lucky stars.

I recall Charlie telling me that Philly Willy made some cryptic comments about Zara recently.

It would be the most random match ever, but then I thought she’d go for it with Pete, so what do I know?

‘Have you ever thought about going for someone a bit more… grown up?’ I ask her.

She looks up at me. ‘Like who?’

‘I don’t know.’ I pretend to think. ‘Someone like Phil. Just as an example.’

She laughs, shocked. ‘Phil as in Philly Willy? The nickname’s a bit of a dealbreaker, surely?’

‘It’s definitely unfortunate,’ I concede, ‘but he’s very good-looking. And, you know, powerful. That’s always a turn-on.’

‘Uh, newsflash, babe. A headteacher doesn’t exactly have Mafia-boss levels of power.’ She sighs. ‘He’s not even legally allowed to put people over his knee and spank them anymore.’

I laugh. ‘Pupils, maybe, but I’m pretty sure he can do what he likes to you in the privacy of your bedroom.’

She wriggles. ‘Why is that not a completely horrifying thought? Weird.’

I press my lips together to keep myself quiet and leave her to what may be the smallest kernel of revelation.

After I’ve dismissed my class, my beautiful man wanders into my classroom. He looks pale and tired, and he keeps pinching the bridge of his nose. Maybe I knackered him out last night with too much sex?

‘You ready to go?’ He looks at me through hooded eyes, and I wonder what he’s thinking.

‘Yep.’ I grab my bag and lead the way out of the classroom, enjoying the light touch of his hand on the small of my back.

He’s quiet on the short walk to the river.

The school backs onto the Thames, but, aside from the rowing club exit, fences block direct access for safety reasons.

Once we’re out of the gates and walking along the leafy tow-path, he takes my hand and we walk in silence.

Charlie finds an empty bench looking out onto the river, and we sit.

‘I need to talk to you, sweetheart.’

He rests his elbows on his knees and sinks his head into his hands. His tone and stance immediately put me on edge. I slide a hand over his back, savouring the firm curves of his shoulder muscles under crisp cotton.

‘What is it?’

He sighs, bends, and plucks a blade of long grass from under the bench, flaking off the tiny ears with his fingers.

‘Charlie. What’s going on?’

He swivels his head to look up at me. ‘I don’t know how to say this, really. But I want to tell you that you’ve made me happier than I ever thought possible, and you mean more to me than anyone has ever meant.’ His blue eyes are fixed squarely on mine. ‘Including my ex-wife.’

I draw in a breath.

He just used the past tense.

Didn’t he?

I sense a great big but swinging over my head like an axe.

I frown. ‘Okay.’

‘El.’ He pulls himself up with what feels like effort and grips my hand. ‘I can’t do this anymore, sweetheart. Can’t keep leading you on when I know there’s no future for us.’

Leading me on?

Leading me the fuck on ?

So help me God, I’m going to punch this guy.

I’m lightheaded with adrenalin. Rage. Fear. Horror. Confusion.

‘What the fuck are you talking about, Charlie?’ I ask, my voice low and shaky.

He’s still gripping my hand.

My head is reeling.

Did we or did we not have the most intense connection last night in bed?

Did he or did he not just introduce me to his entire fucking family ?

‘I told you,’ he presses on, ‘that first night you stayed over. I told you we had no future.’

‘Oh, come on,’ I spit out. ‘Don’t you dare pull a stunt like that.’

His eyes widen. ‘Like what? I’ve always tried to be honest with you, El. I told you we had an expiration date?—’

I pull my hand away and jump up. ‘What the fuck? Charlie, every single thing you’ve said and done since we got together has been totally perfect. Don’t you dare tell me you’ve been honest with me.’

‘I have,’ he pleads. He tries to grab my hand again. No, sir. ‘I’ve acted like I’m crazy about you because I am so fucking crazy about you that I can barely breathe. But that doesn’t mean we can have a future together. I can’t make you happy.’

‘Bullshit!’ I’m crying now, huge crocodile tears that are causing huge, panicked gasps. ‘That makes zero sense. I remember you saying something about not being able to make me happy, but I thought you were having a crisis of confidence or something. I didn’t think you were a fucking coward.’

‘I am not a coward.’ His voice trembles with emotion. ‘I’m doing this for you. I distinctly remember telling you that I didn’t see myself doing the marriage thing again. Or having a family.’

I stare at him in horror. ‘Yeah, but?—’

‘You thought I was joking?’ He shakes his head. ‘I wasn’t, sweetheart. There are things about me you aren’t aware of. I’m not cut out to be a family man. And I think we’re both getting in over our heads, and it’s best to bite the bullet, because?—’

‘Oh, really.’ I put my hands on my hips, glad I have the height advantage, at least while he’s sitting. ‘We’re both getting in over our heads. I wonder whose fault that is. We’ve been completely inseparable, Charlie. We’re good together! How can you walk away from this?’

He looks up at me with so much pain in those blue, blue eyes that I just want to cup his face and kiss the ever-loving breath out of him and tell him to please shut up and stop being delusional and take me home.

But I don’t.

‘I don’t know how I can walk away,’ he says. ‘I don’t know how I’ll survive. All I know is, I have to do it, no matter how painful it is. I’m doing it for you. Honestly, El. I know you don’t believe me, but?—’

‘Oh my God!’ I shock myself by stamping my foot, but right now it’s that or put a fist through his pretty face.

‘That is such a load of bollocks. Listen to yourself. This is a relationship . We’re in it together.

You don’t get to make unilateral decisions about what you think is best for me, you patronising piece of shit.

‘I have no fucking clue what’s going on in your head, but you’d better spill the beans.

Is this about your ex? Did she say something that’s damaged you?

Because I know you, Charlie. You are a seriously amazing guy, and you make me so happy I can’t even tell you, and I don’t want out. And I don’t get why you want out.’

I break down and weep into my hands, ugly, snotty tears of rage and horror, and Charlie stands, pulling me into his arms.

‘Sweetheart,’ he mutters into my hair. ‘I don’t want out. I don’t want out at all, but it’s going to get harder and harder to end this the longer I leave it, and it’s better for both of us if I just walk away now.’

‘I don’t understand why you think it has to end.’ I’m soaking his nice shirt with my bodily fluids, and I don’t give a flying fuck. ‘Was it everyone yesterday joking about me being broody? I’m not trying to trap you. I just want to see where this goes.’

He stiffens against me but says nothing.

‘Honestly,’ I say. ‘If a couple of baby jokes have scared you off, then you’re not the man I thought you were. Or did introducing me to your family freak you out?’

‘No.’ He holds me more tightly. ‘None of it freaked me out. You’re incredible. I was so proud to introduce you all.’

‘So why the massive one-eighty? I don’t get it.’

‘I’m not in this for the long term,’ he says slowly, as if I’m an obtuse toddler. ‘I never have been, and I should have been strong enough to stay away from you in the first place, but I wasn’t. And now we’re both paying the price, and I’m truly sorry.’

He pries my arms off him and steps back. ‘Come on. I’ll give you a lift home.’

‘No way.’ I can’t even look him in the eye. I stare at his shoes instead. ‘I don’t want a lift from you.’

‘But how will you get home?’

‘That’s none of your business.’ I grab my bag from the bench and make to walk off. ‘Stay the hell away from me at school.’