Page 36 of The Reluctant Mate (Shifters of the Three Rivers #5)

Chapter thirty-six

Sofia

“S ofia…” Derek took a step toward me, and I hated how my body responded, instinctively wanting to lean into him. Even after everything, he felt safe, felt right; he felt like I belonged. This pull, this undeniable feeling that he was mine and I was his, made me want to launch myself into his arms.

The mate bond.

Well, fuck that. It was a physical response. That was all. I was in control. I got to decide, not the Goddess, not some predetermined cosmic bullshit telling me who to be with.

And this? This shitfest that was Derek and me? It wasn’t what I wanted. No, I wanted what Mai and Ryan had, what Wally and Thomas shared, a love so deep and committed that they would always have each other’s back, they would never leave the other, they trusted and made decisions together . I knew now that I would never have that with Derek. But I wouldn’t settle. I would rather be alone than have him break my heart again and again. And he would. I had to get rid of him. Had to get as far away from him as possible. This was it. Our goodbye. A chance to get some closure before I cried my eyes out for the next year.

“Ten minutes, Derek.”

He nodded, his eyes roaming around Lucian’s office, cataloging everything in that hyper-vigilant way he always did when entering a new space, looking for threats, exits, advantages.

His gaze settled back on me, and my breath hitched. When he looked at me like that, it was like there was nothing else in the world. His focus was zeroed in on me, and I was the most, the only thing that mattered.

“I fucked up.”

My eyebrows shot up so high they felt like they disappeared into my hairline.

“I was trying to protect you. I miscalculated.”

“Protect me?” I repeated slowly. “Is that what you think I need? A big, strong wolf to keep me safe? To make all my decisions for me because I’m too weak to handle anything myself?”

Derek closed the distance between us, stopping just in front of me, so I had to look up at him. A golden sheen rolled across his eyes as they locked onto mine, his wolf close to the surface.

“You think that’s what this is about? You being weak?”

“Isn’t it?”

Derek moved a step closer. It was slow, deliberate, a wolf giving its prey one last chance to flee. I could feel the heat rising off his body, his scent filling my senses until it was all I could focus on. I couldn’t make myself move. Couldn’t force my feet to take the step back I knew I should because his eyes, with their burning, desperate longing, pinned me in place.

“You don’t get it, do you?”

I opened my mouth to reply, but he beat me to it.

“You think I look at you and see what, just a barista? No, I see you. You, Sofia Miller, are the strongest person I know. When Oliver was the Alpha, when your parents and everyone at school told you that it was dangerous to be friends with Mai, you told them where to stick it. When your parents left and joined the revolution your cousin was instigating, you stepped up. You gave up your dreams of college, got a job, and worked your gorgeous ass off to provide for Jase and make sure he got to follow his dreams. You look after those in need, even though it costs you—in time, money, and your own health. You work yourself to the bone, Sofia, putting everyone else’s needs above yours, especially those more vulnerable than you, and you get no thanks for it. And instead of telling people to fuck off, which you should, you keep doing it. That is not weak. That shows the most amazing strength and love and empathy.”

His voice softened, becoming almost reverent. “That is who you are, Sofia. That is the person I want to take care of because she is shit at taking care of herself. That is the person I would do anything to protect.”

Tears filled my eyes, and I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what I felt beyond a bewildering tangle of emotions too complex to name.

“You want to know what it felt like to leave you?” Derek’s voice dropped lower. “Like someone had hollowed out my chest and filled the cavity with broken glass. Like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was slowly dying every single second I wasn’t near you.”

“But you still did it,” I whispered. “You still left.”

He didn’t flinch. “Of course I did it. I’d do anything. I’d stand alone against an army, would wade through fire and steel and bullets, would sacrifice everything I’ve ever built or become if I thought it was the only way to keep you safe. I don’t care about what it cost me. I only care that I hurt you by doing it.”

“So why, Derek? Why did you leave me in the cabin?”

He hesitated, regret darkening his eyes. “They threatened you, and when I took you out of their reach, they threatened Sam. Said if I didn’t get the USB to them, they would hurt him. I couldn’t risk taking you with me. Couldn’t risk handing you to them along with the USB.”

My mind whirled, trying to process this. “Is Sam okay?”

He opened his mouth, then shut it. He stared at me with an odd expression on his face, then tried again. “How do you know I didn’t hand them the USB?”

I rolled my eyes. “Please. I know you, Derek Shaw. Of course you didn’t hand them the USB. So. Is Sam okay?”

He blinked. Once. Twice. Something flickering across his face.

“Sam’s fine. But they’re going to attack Three Rivers. Probably in the next twenty-four hours. Try to get the USB by force.”

Well, shit.

My mind instantly went to Mai, bigger than a house and ready to drop any day. To Jase, my idiot younger brother who still refused to learn what a laundry hamper was for. To Julie and Brian, holding down the fort at the Bottley. To Mrs. Patterson and her precious tea set.

“We have to go back!” The words burst from me. “We have to help protect them.”

He reached for me like he couldn’t stop himself, his bloodied fingers hovering an inch from my face.

“You’ll come back with me?”

With him? That was a loaded question.

He must have seen my hesitation. “With me,” he repeated, his voice roughening. “I just want to keep you safe, you know that? You’re precious. The only thing that is precious to me. When you’re gone, it’s like… like trying to navigate through smoke. Everything’s muffled. Distorted. Colors fade. Food tastes like ash. I can function, sure—I’m trained to function through anything. But it’s mechanical. Empty.”

His fingers trembled slightly as they hovered near my face. “Then you walk into a room, and suddenly, everything snaps into focus. Sharp. Clear. Real again. Like you’re this… this anchor that keeps me from drifting into some void I can’t come back from.”

He swallowed hard, his thumb finally making contact, tracing the outline of my cheekbone like he was committing its shape to memory.

“You help me, even when you don’t know it. That night in the cabin, with you sleeping next to me, it was the only time in months, Sofia, months, that I’ve slept more than an hour without a nightmare. And when we’re arguing, when you’re challenging me, calling me out on my bullshit—it’s the only time the demons in my head are quiet.”

He dropped his hand but he leaned forward until his forehead pressed against mine. It was electric, the feel of his skin on mine; his breath warm against my lips.

“I know I’ve been doing a piss-poor job of being what you deserve. But that changes here. Right now. I’ll give up everything—my job, the Pack, all of it. Every breath I take from this moment on will be dedicated to one thing: making sure you’re safe and happy.” His hands grasped my neck, tilting my head up. “From here on out, where you go… I go. From now on, you’re stuck with me. I will never leave your side.”

“You… you can’t just say those words and make it better. You left, Derek.” Tears ran down my face—when had they started?—so many I couldn’t stop them. “You keep leaving.”

His fingers gently swiped the tears from my face. “That ends today. Partners. You and me. From here on out. I promise,” he vowed, his voice unwavering. “Sofia, if you’ll let me, if you give me one more chance, I will never let you down again. Never. My life is yours.”

He closed that final inch between us, his voice dropping lower. “No more leaving. No more cages. Just us, Sofia. Always.”

My body swayed toward his without conscious thought, drawn to him like he possessed his own gravitational pull.

“I’m done. Do you hear me? Done with running, done with pretending that it doesn’t kill me when I’m away from you. You want me to let you go? You want me to give up on us?”

He was so close now that the heat of his hands on me burned through my skin. His scent smothered my senses, and holy moon, it felt like home.

“Not happening,” he growled, and I could feel the rumble vibrate through his chest into mine. “You can snarl and snap and show your teeth. You can mark me with every wound I’ve earned. You can scream at me until your voice goes raw. But you’re mine, Sofia. My mate. My heart. My damn soul. The same way I’m yours. And I’m not walking away. I’ll never walk away. Not again. Not ever again.”

His gaze dropped to my lips, and every rational thought in my head scattered. All I could focus on was the way his breath brushed against my skin, how his rough fingers stroked my jaw, like he was afraid I’d bolt if he pressed too hard.

“I love you,” he ground out, the words shaking the air between us. “Even when you yell. Even when you hate me. Even when I make the worst fucking decisions trying to protect you and you call me on all my bullshit. I love you. And if that means spending the rest of my life groveling for forgiveness, then I’ll enjoy the hell out of it if it means I get to be near you.”

His lips were so close I wasn’t sure what was his breath and what was mine.

“You’re stuck with me, Sofia. I’m not leaving you again. Ever.”

I wanted to push him away. To scream at him, make him hurt a fraction as much as he’d hurt me. But all I could do was stare into those eyes, feeling his heartbeat thundering against my ribs like it belonged there.

“Say something,” he pleaded quietly. “Please.”

The fight drained out of me in a rush.

“I don’t know if I can trust you,” I whispered, the truth tearing from somewhere deep inside me.

“That’s okay,” he murmured, his breath hot against my lips. The first brush of his mouth against mine made my knees go weak, my body recognizing what my mind still fought. “I’ll earn it. Every day, every minute. I’ll earn it. Just give me the chance. Please.”