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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Marissa

I swallow hard as soon as the words leave my mouth, wondering if that was the best choice or not.

He did say that he kissed me because he wanted to, though. That he’d been wanting to do that for a while. Or did he mean he’d been wanting to cuddle with me for a while?

Either way, I think the two things go hand in hand fairly well.

If—and that might be a big if —we’re going to actually talk about the possibility of this becoming more than just friends, we need to face all the truths head on. He’s been honest. Now it’s my turn.

Blowing out a slow breath, I decide to take the leap and trust that he won’t somehow use my vulnerability against me later. You’re not trapped , I remind myself. If he turns out to be that kind of guy, you can end things and move on. You’ve done it before. You can do it again. You’ll be okay. You can do hard things.

That’s been my mantra for so long that repeating those words to myself—you can do hard things—brings me more calm than anything else. And with that calm steeling my nerves, I tell him what I know he’s been dying to know about me as much as I did about him—why did you react to our kiss like that?

“I’m sorry for taking off before you could even say anything,” I say, my voice quiet but blessedly steady. “Everything between us has always been so easy. Well, with the notable exception of our first meeting. But since we’ve gotten to know each other, we’ve never been awkward or weird around each other. And then you kissed me, and that changed. You suddenly became this awkward, weird version of you that I’d never seen before. And I knew—I just knew —that the next words out of your mouth were going to be an apology. And I couldn’t take another rejection, another version of, ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ another list of reasons why I wasn’t good enough.” My eyes fall closed, and I fight back the tears prickling behind my eyelids. “I’ve never, ever been good enough. For anyone. Not really. Not when it mattered. And I finally got away from all the people that made me feel like that, and I got a job where I am good enough, and even the people who were mad I got hired over them are seeing that I’m good at my job, and while they might not like me, they at least respect me. And then you kissed me, and you were about to say it was a mistake and apologize and tell me all the reasons I’m a great girl but not great enough to date.”

“Marissa—” he starts, but I shake my head, letting out a watery laugh, hating that I’m crying despite my best efforts not to.

Sniffing, I dash the rogue tears from my cheeks and keep going. “Just let me finish,” I whisper, and he lapses into silence, but I’m painfully aware of his gaze, the twist in his brow, the way he’s seconds from reaching for me whether I want him to or not. The poor man is using all his willpower to hold himself back right now, and I appreciate it more than he knows.

“I couldn’t take an apology,” I whisper. “And then you texted me the very thing I was hoping to avoid. I didn’t know how to respond. What to do. I couldn’t just pretend it never happened, not even when it seemed like that’s what you wanted.” Closing my eyes, I shake my head. “And even though it was fucking embarrassing for Tina to blurt out the fact she knows we kissed, I’m glad she did. Because it broke the ice for us to have this conversation. And I know we could’ve—should’ve—sooner. And I know it’s my fault for not being a grownup and facing this head on. I’m sorry for stonewalling you.” I spread my hands palm up in my lap. “I didn’t know what to do.”

He chuckles softly, reaching over and lacing his fingers through mine. “That makes two of us. The only reason I told Nick and then Tina is because I was desperate. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I was actively losing you, that the longer we didn’t talk, the easier it would be to never talk again. And the thought of that was killing me. I figured I’d freaked you out by kissing you and you didn’t know how to go back to being friends with me. And while I might want our relationship to turn into more than just friends, I’ll accept that if it’s what you want. I’d rather have you as a friend than not have you at all.” He swallows thickly, his fingers squeezing mine. “I care about you, Marissa. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you, either,” I whisper back. “You’re basically the only friend I have here, though I think Tina might be trying to be my friend.”

“She is,” he confirms. “And you can make up your own mind, but she’s a good friend.”

“Well, she apparently helped us to get to this point, so I believe you.”

He chuckles again, inching closer, though the console’s in the way.

“So you think we’ve basically been dating this whole time, huh?”

I shrug, lifting my free hand so it’s palm up and even with my shoulder. “I mean, we kinda have, don’t you think? We go out for drinks after games. You’ve bought me dinner more times than I can count. You listen to me blab about work and cars and whatever else. You’ve had chocolate and ice cream delivered when you were on the road and found out I was on my period.” He laughs, and I grin. “Honestly, I’ve thought before that if I were going to have a boyfriend again, I couldn’t do better than you.” I meet his eyes as I say the words, holding my breath as I wait for his response.

His smile is dazzling in the low light, nearly bright enough to rival the lights blazing on the side of the gas station. “Really?”

Laughing, I nod. “Really. You’re a fantastic boyfriend, Dozer. You’re kind and thoughtful. You listen. You pay attention. And you make me feel like I’m important to you.”

“You are important to me.”

I squeeze his hand. “You’re important to me too.” I swallow hard again. “I didn’t want to lose you either, but I didn’t see a way to keep being friends when it seemed clear that you didn’t want more and I really, really do. I’ve been lying to myself for weeks that what we have is fine, is all I need, but that kiss …” I shake my head. “That kiss made it clear those were all lies. That I do want more. And I don’t think I can be satisfied with less.”

“Jesus fuck, I can’t believe you’re saying that. I’ve been wishing for those words ever since we kissed too.” He leans over the console. “Can I kiss you again? And do you promise not to run away this time?”

I smile. “Only if you promise not to be weird after. But also, where would would I go? I don’t even know where we are.”

He chuckles, his breath soft and warm against my face as an invisible string pulls us together. “I promise I won’t be weird after.”

“I promise not to run.”

And then his mouth is on mine again, and it’s the sweetest kiss of my life. His lips are soft and warm, the pressure just right, and I can’t help making a low sound of pleasure in my throat.

That seems to unleash something inside him, and his free hand comes up to rest on my jaw, his lips parting and his tongue darting out to run along the seam of my lips. When I open for him, his hand slides under my hair, cupping the back of my head to hold me in place as he plunders my mouth. I can’t remember ever being kissed so thoroughly in my life.

My free hand goes to his shoulder, trying to pull him closer, pull myself closer to him, something. I hate his truck right now. I hate the stupid console keeping us apart. The steering wheel being in the way so I can’t climb into his lap. The fact that we didn’t do this on his couch that night all those days ago.

When we break apart, we’re both breathing hard, our faces still close together, his hand still cupping the back of my head. “Can we just go back to my place? I’ll take you to get your car tomorrow.”

“Yes.” The word comes out almost a gasp, and he cuts it off by sealing his mouth over mine for one more quick, fierce kiss before he releases me and recenters himself in his seat.

Facing forward, I adjust my seatbelt, glancing over at him as he grips the steering wheel and draws in a deep breath through his nose. “You okay over there?” I ask.

He flashes his teeth at me. “No.” He laughs. “I’m pissed at myself for driving so fucking far from town. Now we gotta get back.”

Chuckling, I reach over the center console and rest my hand on his thigh. “I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”