Page 20

T he feel of Alexander’s lips are imprinted in my mind, the taste of them engraved so deep within me that every time I tried to fall asleep last night, all I could think about was him. I shouldn’t have kissed him, I know that, but I can’t even say I’m sorry because the kiss felt like I had been drowning my entire life, and I finally knew what it was like to come up for air. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when you kiss someone? Like your entire body is on fire, but all you want to do is stay and enjoy the burn?

All day I have been right back there in that moment, thinking about how firm his lips were against mine, how his hands were fisted in my hair like he never wanted to let me go, and how he pulled me against him like I was everything he needed and more. When he ripped himself away I honestly thought I might die, that it might be the one thing that pushed me over the edge I have been dancing along for months now. Then he mentioned Ben and everything fell apart.

I have a boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend and I kissed someone else.

I’m a cheater, and instead of feeling bad, all I feel is desperation.

Ben has never kissed me like that, like he might cease to exist if it weren’t for my lips, and now that I know what it feels like, I never want anything else.

I stayed up until almost midnight and he still didn’t call. I watched every hour of my mom’s birthday tick by on the clock and the only two people who made me feel better were my dad and Alexander, and I’m not sure what to do with that. My boyfriend and my best friend both forgot. They forgot the woman who cooked them breakfast almost every weekend. The one who helped them with homework and taught us all how to drive a car, they forgot her, and they forgot me.

Which is why, before I went to sleep, I posted a picture of the flowers and the cake that Alexander got for me. I didn’t tag him, but I did write a caption that read, ‘Thank you for making me smile on a day filled with sadness’. He liked it almost instantly, and then sent me two text messages. One saying I better have saved him a piece of cake, and another telling me to go to sleep.

It’s clear he’s happy to move past the kiss and act like it didn’t happen, but I’m not sure I can do the same. Which is why I know I need to talk to him.

Evie and I are both in our rooms getting ready for the game, we have about ten minutes before we need to leave, and the only thing I really need to do now is throw on my clothes. My hair is styled in sleek waves, pinned at the front with two little clips, and my makeup is all pink and sparkles to go with the outfit I have picked out. I went for a short pink dress from Alexander’s mother’s collection, and I know it’s going to pair perfectly with my golden shoes that tie half way up my calf.

I have just pulled on my pink lace underwear when there is a knock at the front door. I can hear Evie drying her hair through the wall, so I quickly grab my robe and rush to answer it, expecting a delivery or maybe Maddie or Hallie joining us before the game. What I don’t expect is my boyfriend.

“Ben?” I choke out in surprise, blinking back a little in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“Surprise, pretty girl,” he beams, leaning in to drop a kiss on my head, before brushing right by me and into the apartment.

I follow after him, closing the door, still looking at him in utter shock as I try to make sense of this. “How? Why? What are you doing here?” I stutter out, and again all he does is smile.

“I came to surprise you obviously,” he replies with a roll of his eyes, and it’s nothing like the playful way that Alexander does it, and at the thought guilt and shame burn in the pit of my stomach. “I thought since we didn’t get our alone time last time, we could have it now,” he adds, an undercurrent of expectation lingering in his tone, and I force a smile to my face to hide my internal panic. Before I can even think of what to say, I note his eyes taking in all the flowers in distaste, before he brings his stare back to me. “You look nice, where are you off to?”

There is no way in hell I can tell him that I was getting ready to go to one of Alexander’s games, so instead I quickly lie, “Oh, nowhere important, it was just a party with Evie, but I can cancel now you’re here, no big deal.” I aim for my voice to be calm and casual, but instead his eyes light up in an unfamiliar way.

“A party? Sounds fun. What time do we leave?” he asks, and again I am rendered speechless, just as Evie exits her room and widens her eyes in disbelief.

“Ben, hey,” she starts slowly, looking between the two of us, and as Ben turns to greet her, I look around in a panic, one that Evie apparently senses because she quickly adds, “Do you like all the flowers Bree and I picked out at the florist yesterday?” My eyes widen at her quick thinking, the guilt intensifying even more with her lying for me, especially since we didn’t even discuss who they were from, but clearly she knows.

“Evie, nice to see you again,” Ben replies, as cordial as ever. “The flowers are a bit of an overkill if you ask me,” he states firmly, and it’s clear he doesn’t believe a word she just said, but instead of calling either of us out on it, he changes the subject. “Bree was just telling me about the party you guys are going to.”

“Oh well, Evie has somewhere to be first, so I was just gonna meet her there later, right Evie?” I rush out, once again silently pleading, and thankfully she quickly smiles and nods.

“Yeah, I’m just going to finish getting ready and head out,” she lies again, moving to grab a drink from the kitchen before she excuses herself back into her room.

Ben looks back to me with a smile and then gestures toward my room. “Shall we?” he asks, but doesn’t wait for my response, just moves in the direction of my room and I have no choice but to follow.

On my way in I quickly grab my phone and silence it, before tossing it into my bag for later, the guilt now weighing even heavier than before, as Ben positions himself against my headboard and flicks his eyes to me with a smug grin.

“Since we’ve got some time to kill, how about we go and grab dinner before the party,” he suggests, and I nod with a forced smile.

“That sounds great,” I lie, willing my heartrate to relax, as I casually shift my eyes around the room.

The clothes sent by Alexander’s mother are now all hung pristinely in my closet, the note tucked away in my drawer, but the other gift, the one that would definitely piss Ben off, is still shoved beneath my desk, where I tossed it in anger a few weeks ago. I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at it, not even after I came to understand why Alexander sent it, but if Ben looks and sees who it’s from, he will hit the roof.

I gently move towards my desk, pushing some clean laundry off the chair and on top of the box under the guise of me tidying up a little, all the while checking the rest of my room to ensure there is nothing else to annoy him, before moving to clean my vanity.

“How’s work?” I ask, desperate to fill the awkward silence, feeling him still watching me, and when I meet his stare he shrugs.

“Same as always, but I don’t want to talk about work, Bree, I want to talk about us.” His words have the breath catching in the back of my throat, as I force myself to take a seat. “We’ve been together for three years now,” he starts slowly, looking at me expectantly, and I brace myself for whatever he is about to say. “And we both know that the ring on your finger was to please your grandmother, so I finally think it’s time we take the next step,” he confirms, and I can feel my heart in the back of my throat.

What do I even say?

Alexander once told me a ring is just a ring, and he was right. When I truly sit back and think about it, I’m not keeping my purity for me, I’m keeping it out of some twisted sense of familiarity. My views are different now from when I was fourteen, and what felt like a solid idea at the time, now feels a little lacking in purpose for me. I also think, if I am being honest with myself, that maybe it also became a bit of a shield too, something to protect me from Ben’s expectations and needs, but after kissing Alexander I realize Ben isn’t the problem, I am.

The love I thought we had doesn’t exist, and I’m not sure where that leaves us.

I open my mouth to respond, but it’s as if Ben has direct access to my thoughts, because he jumps off the bed and drops to his knees at my feet. “I know things have been hard, Bree, and I haven’t been there for you as much as I should, but this distance is killing me.” His words are paired with his hands sliding up my thighs, and I will myself to feel something, anything, but nothing comes. “But we are made for each other, you and I, and I won’t let anything get in our way.” This time, instead of waiting for a response, he reaches up and pulls me toward him, silencing me with a kiss.

A kiss that doesn’t make my heart beat faster or chill me to the bone. No, it’s just a regular, normal kiss that I’ve had a hundred times before, and my heart sinks back into my stomach.

When he pulls back, he smiles, none the wiser to the awful thoughts inside of my traitorous head. “Now, why don’t we get you dressed,” he whispers, tugging on the knot of my robe until it comes undone, and I quickly grip it in my hands.

“Ben, what are you doing?” I ask in a panic, and his answering smirk has me on edge.

“Come on, Bree, don’t be shy, it’s all going to be mine one day.” His voice is assured and smooth as he pulls the fabric from my hands, slowly sliding it off my shoulder until my lace underwear is on display. “And I am so fucking blessed,” he adds with a groan, letting his eyes feast on my naked skin until it breaks out in goosebumps.

“I’ll get dressed,” I rush out, gently pushing him away from me, before rising to my feet and quickly grabbing my dress. I don’t meet his stare as I pull it over my head and move to grab my shoes, not feeling comfortable until I am completely covered, and only then do I turn back to him again. “Let’s go eat.”

Without waiting for his refusal I leave the room and he eventually follows. I call goodbye to Evie, who looks at me with a solemn smile as she emerges from her room, and then Ben and I make our way to a restaurant downtown. I spend the next two hours trying to convince him to skip the party and just hang out back at the apartment instead, but apparently he wants to meet more of my friends. I don’t know why, since the last time he was here he acted like a total asshole, but that’s how we find ourselves slowly making our way to Hockey Row.

It’s almost ten by the time we arrive and the party is heaving with people, which is good because maybe I can avoid the Flyers entirely.

Ben throws his arm around my shoulder in a way that’s so unlike him, as I lead him up the pathway. “So whose party is this anyway?” he asks, his eyes scanning everyone we pass with masked annoyance, and I pretend I haven’t heard him as we push our way inside.

“Bree!” Maddie shouts as soon as she sees me, waving me into the kitchen, and Ben pushes us in her direction before I can even refuse.

Nova is there with his arms around her of course, and Josh and Hallie are beside them, with Jake and Evie on one side, and Daemon and Archer on the other, but that isn’t where my stare lands. No, instead it lands on the goalie who is now glaring at me with a look of disapproval.

So much for avoiding the Flyers.

The tension is clear as day as we reach the island, and it isn’t lost on anyone. Obviously Evie, Jake, Archer, and Daemon were all there for that awful dinner, and I’m sure it was passed between the others afterward. Embarrassment and awkwardness clings to me like a second skin, as all of them just stare between us, with Alexander awaiting whatever is going to happen next.

“Pastor, wasn’t expecting to see you here tonight,” Alexander finally drawls, looking at him with nothing but contempt, but Ben only smirks, tightening his hold around me and I will myself not to react.

“Just came for some one on one time with my girl,” he replies smoothly, emphasizing the last two words, as he pulls me against him even more, and Alexander’s jaw tightens in response.

I can tell he is pissed off, but only because I have come to know him so well. To everyone else he appears calm and uncaring, especially as he pulls out his phone and taps away on it, and I feel my own vibrate against me, before he brings his stare back to us.

“Hmm, well I’m not a very good host since I am fresh out of holy water,” he taunts, and I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling. “But how about a drink? I just made a fresh batch of cocktails,” he adds with a smirk, flicking his eyes between mine, and Ben’s hold on me.

“Sure, a cocktail sounds great to get us in the mood, doesn’t it, babe?” he purrs, nuzzling into me, and I feel his smirk against my cheek before he focuses back on Alexander. “What is it?” he asks, as Alexander reaches for a jug on the counter, pouring the contents into two glasses, pushing them across to us.

I snatch mine up before he even responds, needing the liquid courage to deal with my current situation, but almost choke, as he replies, “It’s tequila, lime juice, and a splash of pink lemonade,” he starts, his stare now fixated on me. “I call it the Troublemaker .” Neither of us gets a chance to respond, before he pushes away from where he is standing and rounds the island toward us, stopping firm at my side and dropping his head. “I knew that dress would look stunning on you, love,” he announces loud enough for them all to hear, and I feel the blush creeping up my neck, as Ben’s hold on me flexes in anger. Alexander only pulls back and smiles, not caring about the bomb he just tossed between us, as he moves away. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”

All of us watch him leave, the deep thump of the music the only sound between us, and I can’t do anything but knock back the drink in my hand, praying it will make me forget the shit show that I know tonight will be.