Page 58 of The Princesses of Ruin (The Princesses of Ruin #5)

Chapter fifty-four

Emillia

M oonlight calls to me. The stars are asking for their captain back, and I know I have to get to the sea.

I’ve spent too long here on land, and I have another campaign I need to fight across the Deep.

Once it’s all done, I can travel again. The far north, then around the frozen wastes to the oceans beyond.

Unexplored territory.

Fresh adventure.

Hunting expeditions and isolation.

Nonsense tumbles from Adrik’s lips and whisper over my neck.

I run my hand down his arm and hug him closer.

There’s muscle there that has been missing for a long time.

The moonlight illuminates his sharp cheeks, but at least they’re not gaunt.

He’s so much better than he was after the last fight.

Strong, and ready to return to the world. He doesn’t need me anymore.

Brisha yawns at my feet, her blue eyes glowing like Nol’Ther’s radiance. Yakshim noses his sister affectionately, trying to convince her to come back to slumber. Their cooling collars keep them stable even when Adrik sleeps. He is such a marvel.

It would be a shame to take him away from here, where he can do so much more…so much good. He is such a good man .

And I don’t deserve such goodness.

I’m a scalawag and a huntress. I fucked my way across the trade routes and never took one of them with me. Cold silence is my best companion. I was foolish to think I could keep him, but that fantasy is over.

“Millia,” Adrik moans, and his arm bands around my stomach.

I hold it there, soaking up the sensation of his skin on mine.

I want it, though.

I don’t deserve it, but I want it.

I want his skin on my skin, his smile for my jest, his shock when I surprise him, his furrowed brow when he’s focused. I want the beat of his heart, drumming like pure white splashes across my vision. I want the soft accent of his voice and the softer press of his lips against my neck.

I want him.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair that I can’t keep him. That our lives are too different. That he’s such an accomplished alchemist, and I…

I just hunt beasts and claim lands. I draw maps and navigate the stars. I listen to the sea and move through the water. What use is that in the face of curing disease, enhancing and lengthening our lives, healing us? He’s so, so useful.

And I’m just a killer.

Brisha grunts, a silver ring rippling out from her face that dissipates into the room. I’ll be sad to leave her behind, too. But she needs her brother, not me.

Tomorrow, then.

I’ll leave tomorrow.

The sheets beside me are cold. I spread all the way out on the bed, letting my larger-than-average frame fill it up. Thank the gods beds here were made to fit larger men.

Where’s Adrik?

I look to the foot of the bed and see that Brisha and Yakshim are gone, too. Where could they be? Walking, probably. The pups piss everywhere, given the opportunity. Good man, taking the pups outside to piss.

Good man…

My heart lurches in my chest.

I stare at the ceiling, light plaster with little plant designs.

There are wooden beams above that provide support that haven’t been covered, or maybe they were uncovered.

The Bloodletter did some strange things.

Pulled all the gold out of every fixture and melted it down.

I wouldn’t put it past her to break plaster reliefs out of the ceiling and sell them as art to the Upper Kingdomites.

I chuckle at the image of the sultry woman hocking a six-foot slab at the gates.

The thought fizzles away like bubbles disperse after a wave, leaving me with a cold reality I don’t want to face.

I’m leaving.

I’m leaving him.

I’m leaving him today.

I push my legs over the side of the bed and reach for my trousers. I haven’t bathed since our escapades, but I won’t be seeking comfort in the next port…or the next. Doesn’t really matter how fresh my nethers are anymore, I su ppose.

“Good morning, my huntress—oh, you’re awake!”

Adrik comes into the room with a tray loaded with food and potions. The puppies tumble in at his feet, and he stops in the doorway, his broad smile waning.

“What is it?” he asks, shoulders drooping.

Fuck, am I really that easy to read?

I shake my head and put my attention back on my trousers.

“I have to go. My country needs me.”

He sets the steaming tray of eggs and fresh bread on the nightstand.

“I know. I—I’ve been waiting for you to tell me when it was time to go. I’m okay. I’m ready to go.”

My chest hurts. I sit on the bed and lean down to grab my boots.

“You’re not coming.”

“Why not? I thought I showed you, I proved I was good enough,” he says and the words break me.

Of course he’s good enough. He’s too good.

Neither of those things will put him off.

“You’re good enough for the labs here. Good enough for the bureaucracy of Fynren. The wilds will eat you alive.”

“I can help with Wolfsheim, with whatever you need,” he says. “I’m stronger now, and I’ll keep getting better.”

I stuff my prosthetic into my boot, wincing at the pain around my knee.

“Let me put salve on it,” Adrik says as he drops to his knees in front of me.

Just let him come. Be selfish. Be in love.

You’re not good enough.

He reaches for my boot. I push his hand away and keep lacing.

“I don’t need another hang-about chasing me down the docks. ”

Each word strikes with the tying of my boots. It hurts me to deliver them, but it’s the only way to keep him safe.

He doesn’t say anything as he gets off his knees.

I finish tying the laces, but I don’t want to look up. I make an excuse by moving my pants around, making sure the hem aligns with the top of my boots. I fiddle with the dagger holster on my thigh to waste more time, but he still hasn’t said anything.

Fuck.

I look up at him, and it’s not the large, innocent eyes I was expecting.

No…it’s cold, narrowed eyes. A gaze that cuts through me.

“Liar.” He whispers the one word like a curse.

Drive it home, Em. Keep him safe.

“Honestly, I can’t believe you ever thought I’d invite you aboard my ship. You’re a walking hazard. You’ve never even been out to sea—”

“I have!” he declares, loudly. “Once, when I was brought here as a slave.”

I laugh coldly, though my heart is breaking. “Empathy tactics. Really? Didn’t you learn anything from the Spiders?”

His eyes glisten. “Emillia, you’re not acting like the woman I love.”

Love.

Love me.

He loves me.

I don’t deserve it.

Hide. Save yourself. No love here.

A cold scoff emanates from my lips. I don’t mean it, but I need to use it .

“Adrik, really. Look at you. Look at me.” I pause, allowing his overactive mind to draw conclusions. “I am the huntress.”

“ My huntress.” He says it in such a tone that my resolve wavers.

Deliver the blow.

“And what are you?”

He takes a deep breath to fight me, but no words come. I wait, dying as he flusters for ground to stand on. He doesn’t see all the amazing things I see. He doesn’t know the man I know. It’s a fucking shame.

“See?”

I stand, the betrayal in my bones hard to ignore. I have to move or it’ll eat me alive.

“You’re not a man who can travel with me.”

The words feel like acid.

Brisha bites my boot and shakes her head with a growl. I kick her free as gently as I can.

“Keep the dogs. You need them more than me.”

I walk from the room with fire in my soul. Not one that makes me strong, but one that makes me less. It’s eating me. It says I’ve made the wrong choice.

Well, I haven’t.

Adrik is more useful here.

I don’t need him.

Fynren does.

I don’t need him.