Page 25

CHAPTER 25

“ Y our times are awful this morning. Plus, you were late this morning, and you’re never late. What’s going on? Were you out partying?” Jo Kendall stared at Ash.

She leaned on her haunches, getting her breath back. She knew that’s exactly what it looked like, but it wasn’t true. Rather, her shoddy performance today was down to her hardly having slept a wink, tossing and turning, still worrying about what Victoria had made of her parents. They hadn’t been bad, but they hadn’t been good, either. Oh god, her mum’s comments about children. The tension in the car afterwards had left Ash reaching for oxygen. They’d left it on a strange note.

“No, I’m just having a day. Bad night’s sleep.”

Jo frowned, then nodded towards the byline. “Get over there and do some drills with the rest. Hopefully your touch is better than your sprinting today.”

Lack of sleep wasn’t the only reason she was feeling a little off today. When she got to training this morning, her phone lit up with notifications about Princess Victoria after she’d set up a Google alert for her. When she clicked them, she’d seen a slew of photos of Victoria and Dexter coming out of a private members’ club in Mayfair, then getting into her car together.

Despite all logic, Ash’s hackles were raised. The second things got messy, Victoria had called Dexter and got drunk with him. No doubt poured her heart out to him. Did Victoria think it would be easier if they’d just stayed together?

For the next hour, Ash tried to put her worries out of her mind, and focus on today, this moment. She’d never had trouble doing that before. Whatever happened in her personal life, she’d always managed to keep it separate from her football. Once she stepped over the white line, she forgot everything else. At least, that’s how it always had been. Before she got herself mixed up with Princess Victoria. She’d known being with a royal would make things different. She hadn’t accounted for just how different.

In the dressing room afterwards, Sasha elbowed her gently.

“Everything okay, Ash?”

Her voice was so gentle, so unlike Sasha, it almost broke Ash.

She was on the edge, she saw that now. If anyone was too nice to her, she might fall apart.

“All good,” she told Sasha, painting a smile on her face. “Getting ready for Saturday and the away trip to Salchester. Ready to show the northerners who really owns the WSL.”

Sasha got up and started to strip off her training kit. “We do, of course,” she said. “You know, if anything’s bothering you, my door’s always open.” She paused. “I’m no good with this self-help stuff. Not half as good as Cam, I know. But apparently, it’s good to talk. If you need to, I’m here.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

Sasha saluted her, then headed for the showers.

She was a good friend, but this wasn’t a secret Ash could share.

Half an hour later, Ash was showered and ready to go. Should she go and see her parents today? Her mum had messaged her last night to say she thought it had “gone well.” To the untrained eye, Ash supposed that was true. They’d eaten dinner, chatted, and everybody had got on well enough.

But her parents’ questions had only highlighted how different their lives were. She was due to meet Victoria’s parents next week, and she was sure that was going to do the same. She wanted to fast-forward through the next nine days. Get the Salchester game out of the way, get the parental meetings done. Then she’d know the lay of the land.

Because after parental meeting number one, Victoria had gone silent on her, and then got drunk with Dexter. It wasn’t a great start.

She got her phone from her bag and checked for any new messages from Victoria. She had none. Disappointment settled in her stomach.

Ash walked past the coach’s office, and Jo beckoned her in. Her stomach rolled. It felt like she was back at school, being summoned to the head’s office for something she’d done wrong.

“Sit down, Ash. Please.”

She did as she was told.

“I just wanted to have a quick word. Everything all right with the knee?” Jo walked around her wooden desk, then perched on the edge as she studied Ash with a penetrating look Ash was sure had made many a player crack over the years. She wore a training kit, with the initials JK above the club badge.

“Yeah, fine. Just a bit tired today, didn’t sleep well. Sure I’ll be better tomorrow.” Ash focused on the half-eaten Bounty bar on the manager’s desk. Those, and laughing at Sasha’s bad jokes, were Jo’s biggest weaknesses.

“You sure? It seemed like you were moving differently today.”

Ash shook her head. “Honest. I’m feeling physically good.”

Her manager folded her arms across her chest. “Big game Saturday. I need all my star players at their best.”

“I will be. Promise.”

“You said everything was okay physically. What about mentally? Something on your mind?”

For a split second, Ash almost told her. Spilled everything about Victoria, about their parents, about her fears that Victoria was going to cut and run. How she was falling so hard and fast, it scared her.

But she couldn’t. Not yet. Not when they were being so careful. When even Victoria’s security staff didn’t know about half their meetings.

When she’d split up with Danielle, she’d told Jo about it, and asked for time off. Her manager had been very understanding. Ash was well aware the conversation would need to be had soon.

But not just yet. No matter how much it was eating her up.

“I just need a good night’s sleep. I’ll be better tomorrow.”

Now, alone in the car park, she pulled out her phone, thumb hovering over Victoria’s contact. In her phone as PV.

She opened their chat, started typing, deleted it, started again. Tried to think of something clever or funny. In the end, exhaustion won out.

Miss you. Been thinking about you all day. Had a rubbish day at training.

She deleted the last sentence. That wasn’t Victoria’s fault. Her training was all on her.

The typing bubbles appeared and disappeared several times before Victoria’s response came through.

I miss you too. Today has been crazy. Sorry for lack of contact.

The apology lifted the weight on her shoulders a smidge.

However, there was still a lot left unsaid.

None of which was going to be solved before the big meeting on Tuesday.

I’ve got commitments this week on my day off. Then we’re away at Salchester on Saturday. I hope you’ll be watching?

Wouldn’t miss it. Even though Michael will moan I’m clogging up the TV watching football again.

If I score, I’ll do the heart celebration again.

There was a longer pause this time.

You’re impossible. In the best way. Don’t spoil me, or I’ll expect it every time.

Five seconds later, three heart emojis appeared, then three kisses. Ash took a deep breath, fingers moving across the screen.

Speaking of impossible... I keep thinking about Tuesday. Meeting your parents.

‘After the awkwardness of you meeting mine’ was what she wanted to add, but she didn’t.

Just be yourself. That’s who I fell for. Not some polished, perfect version trying to impress them. Just gorgeous you. They’re going to love you.

Ash leaned her head against her car window. She really wanted to believe Victoria.

You're good at this, you know. The whole making-me-feel-better thing.

Years of diplomatic training finally paying off.

I should go home. Rest up. Eat something healthy.

Take care of yourself. Wish I was in your bed with you tonight.

You’re not the only one.

She didn’t write ‘Ma’am’ at the end of that final message. She tried not to focus on that.

Ash slipped her phone into her pocket, the weight of the day lifting slightly. Tuesday was still terrifying, but at least she had Saturday’s match to focus on first. One impossible thing at a time.

If the gaffer had noticed something off in her game today, she’d have to be sharper tomorrow. The last thing she needed was people asking questions, piecing things together before she and Victoria were ready. For now, their secret was still safe, still just theirs.

Even if sometimes Ash wanted to shout it from the rooftops of Buckingham Palace itself.

The door to Salchester’s away dressing room swung open just as Ash was adjusting the captain’s armband. Sasha was sick today, so she was stepping up from her role of vice captain, to team captain. She glanced up, expecting the gaffer or somebody from the team. When she saw who it actually was, her blood froze.

Victoria stood in the doorway, flanked by two security guards, wearing a Royal Ravens scarf and looking entirely too beautiful for Ash to maintain her composure.

When everyone else saw who it was, the team fell silent. Royalty had that effect.

Ash didn’t know where to look or how to act. Annoyance growled inside her, alongside delight at seeing Victoria. They’d messaged just a few hours ago, and Victoria had shared her plans for watching from her sofa with a Diet Coke and a bowl of sweet popcorn in her house in Kensington.

What had changed? What the fuck was she doing here? Also, Victoria hated this sort of thing. She’d told Ash that dressing rooms intimidated her.

Ash knew the answer was her. But it wasn’t like Ash could throw her arms around Victoria, or kiss her.

Why the hell had Victoria decided to surprise her before one of their most crucial games of the season?

But none of that could come across in Ash’s face. She tried to maintain her composure, while inside, she was screaming.

“Ladies.” Victoria gave her perfect royal smile.

Ash far preferred the languid sort she gave her just after she’d made her come.

Stop thinking those thoughts.

“I hope you don’t mind me popping in to wish you luck.”

Ash’s hands trembled as Victoria made her way around the group, shaking hands and giving words of encouragement. Seeing her girlfriend – her secret girlfriend – chatting easily with her teammates filled Ash both with hope and despair. When Victoria reached her and their eyes met, Ash gave her a gritty smile.

“Surprise,” Victoria whispered, gripping Ash’s hand. “I hear you’re captain today.”

“You heard right, Your Highness.” Ash’s voice was steady, but the words were all wrong in her mouth, like chewing polystyrene. She locked eyes with Victoria. “Ma’am.”

It had become one of their sex words. It drove Victoria wild when Ash used it.

Ash wasn’t immune to its powers, either.

“I’m sure you’re going to do great.” Victoria licked her lips.

Ash followed every inch of the movement, her heart tripping over itself in her chest.

“I’ll be watching and cheering.”

She leaned in a little closer. Victoria’s breath on Ash’s skin made her body light up like a slot machine. She was too easy when it came to Victoria.

Even if she was annoyed.

“I’m especially excited for the celebration you might do if you score.”

Ash flicked her gaze to one of Victoria’s security at the door. She was ex-military, and no-nonsense. She was also watching Ash and Victoria’s interaction with a knowing smile.

She knew. Of course she did. Because she’d seen Ash come and go at Victoria’s house a number of times.

If she knew, who else knew? Alarm streaked through Ash, but she tamped it down. Could her teammates tell? Had Victoria spent an inordinate amount of time chatting to her than to everyone else?

The bell sounded, telling the teams to get into the tunnel.

At the sound, Victoria jerked, gave Ash a wink, then shouted: “Let’s have a Royal win today, please!”

The visit lasted barely five minutes, but it threw Ash completely off-kilter. During warm-up, she kept catching glimpses of Victoria in the directors’ box, and her usual pre-match focus scattered like leaves in the wind. Her touches in the warm-up were heavy, lacking their usual crispness. Her coaches said nothing, but she could see what they were thinking in their body language: was Ash going to get better or worse when the whistle blew? The answer soon became apparent.

From the off, everything felt wrong. The grass seemed too long, the ball too heavy, her boots too tight. Her first touch from Susie’s pass bounced awkwardly off her shin. Her second touch wasn’t much better, skidding away from her and giving possession straight back to Salchester. The more Ash tried to over-correct, the worse she got. She wasn’t playing on instinct. She was second-guessing every touch, and that was never good news.

Sloane Patterson – Salchester’s star striker – seemed to sense Ash’s uncertainty. She kept dropping deep, drawing Ash out of position, then spinning away with her trademark burst of acceleration.

Twenty minutes in, Patterson received the ball with her back to goal, 30 yards out. Ash stepped in to tackle, but Patterson had already whisked away, leaving her grabbing at air and falling on her arse. The striker drove forward, cut inside their keeper’s desperate lunge, and curled the ball into the top corner.

Ash slammed her fist into the turf. That Victoria was watching made everything ten times worse.

Salchester’s second goal came just before half-time. Another Patterson special, this time ghosting between two Ravens defenders to meet a cross with a diving header. In the dressing room at half-time, the gaffer tried to rally them, and her concerned glances at Ash said everything.

There was one half left for Ash to get it together, to make Victoria proud.

It didn’t happen.

Patterson completed her hat-trick in the 65th minute, making Ash look foolish again with a nutmeg that drew groans from the crowd.

Something in Ash snapped.

The frustration of the day — of having to pretend, of playing terribly, of being embarrassed by Sloane Fucking Patterson — crystallised into a red mist.

Five minutes later, when Patterson received the ball near the halfway line, Ash didn’t think. All she knew was, she had to stop Sloane from making the whole team look like a bunch of muppets.

Or more specifically, her.

To do that, Ash launched herself into a tackle, studs up, far too late.

The crack of boot on ankle was audible, and Sloane went down screaming.

The referee’s whistle pierced the air. Ash knew what was coming even before she saw the red card raised. She’d never been sent off in her career before, but there was no arguing this one. As she walked past the directors’ box, she couldn’t bring herself to look up, couldn’t bear to see Victoria’s reaction.

In the dressing room, she sat alone, still in her kit, head in her hands. Her phone buzzed several times — Victoria, probably — but she couldn’t look. Not yet. Through the walls, she heard the crowd react to something, probably another Salchester chance.

She heard boots click-clacking on the concrete outside, but nobody came in. There was still at least another 20 minutes to go before she saw all her teammates again, and had to apologise. They hadn’t lost because of her, but she certainly hadn’t helped.

She still had her head in her hands, going through what she might say to her team, and also to Victoria, when there was a knock at the door. It was open by the time she looked up.

Victoria.

Ash jumped up, skittish in her girlfriend’s presence.

Football, this dressing room, were Ash’s world, not Victoria’s. Ash wasn’t sure how to meld Victoria into her realm on the pitch or off it. Was this why Victoria had gone radio silent after lunch at Ash’s parents? Had she felt the same way?

“Hey.” Victoria’s face was a mask of compassion.

Ash hated it. She didn’t deserve it.

“You okay?”

“Clearly I’m not.”

Victoria walked over, and sat on the bench beside her.

If she moved to touch her, it might undo Ash. She might collapse into her arms. This was one of the lowest points in her entire career, and it had been televised and watched in the flesh by the woman she loved.

None of it made any sense.

“What happened out there?”

A flash bulb went off inside Ash’s brain. She jumped up, and paced the dressing room, rubbing her hands together, shaking her head. “I don’t know.”

She glanced at Victoria. Her heart ached just looking at her.

“It was just…” Ash stopped. What could she say? That Victoria turning up was the reason she lost control? That everything about her life right now felt out of control, and it was messing with her head?

No, she couldn’t say that.

“I honestly have no idea. Everything was off for me. It has been all week. It’s normally fine once I cross the white line, but today, it wasn’t.” She shrugged like it meant nothing.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It happens to the best of players.”

Something jolted inside Ash, and her face set like cement. She stabbed her chest with her index finger. “It doesn’t happen to me.” The sharpness of her words surprised even her.

Victoria’s face tightened. “I’m sorry if that sounded flippant. I didn’t mean it to be. I know how important this is for you. I’m doubly sorry if me being here had anything to do with it.”

Regret flooded every crevice of Ash’s body. She shook her head. “You could have told me you were coming. I don’t like surprises.” Then she winced. “But it’s not your fault.”

It was simply the perfect storm. Ash’s frustrations, this week, her need to impress. Her whole life had fallen on top of her in a precise 65 minutes. Unfortunately, it’d happened on the pitch.

That was new, and scary.

She needed to refocus, get her head back in the game.

Having Victoria in the dressing room was not helping.

“I wondered if I could give you a lift back to London? At least then we could spend a bit of time together before Tuesday?” Victoria’s voice was not royal this time. It was whispered, worried.

Ash was shaking her head before she’d finished. “I can’t. I have to go back with the team. It’s not a good look if I don’t travel back with everyone. Especially after I let them all down today.”

“Of course.” Victoria’s face fell slightly, but she recovered quickly. She stood up, but didn’t take a step towards Ash. She bit her lip, then looked up at her. “Will you call me later? I want to check you’re okay.”

“Of course,” Ash said, though she wasn’t sure she would. She needed time to process this, to deal with the shame of losing control like that. “I’m sorry about today. That it didn’t go our way. That I didn’t score for you.”

Victoria stepped towards her now. “You never have to be sorry for that. You go out there and do your best. It’s all anyone can ask.” She reached out a hand.

Ash shook her head. “Don’t. Not here.” She couldn’t.

Outside the crowd roared. Ash’s stomach rolled. Had they scored again?

“You better go. Before the team gets back. I don’t want people knowing you’re here.”

“Hillary is outside. She’ll let me know if anyone is coming.” Her chief of security.

“Even so.” Ash tried a smile, but it wasn’t successful.

Victoria’s eyes got glassy, but she took a deep breath. “I’ll message you later.”

Ash nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She held her breath until Victoria left, then crumpled to the bench, desperately trying to stop her tears. She couldn’t be in here crying when everyone else arrived. That wasn’t who Ash was at all.

She was Ashleigh Woods. Midfield dynamo and Lionesses captain. For the next few weeks, perhaps she’d have to focus on that to get her game back together. Her career had to come first, as it always had. She’d taken her eye off the ball.

Her game had never let her down yet.

She wasn’t about to let it start now.