Page 31

‘Oh, Bea! You poor, poor thing,’ I say, wrapping my arms around her again.

‘Don’t cry. At least, don’t cry about me losing my job.

I don’t care about that. I’ll get another one.

I was never any good at it anyway and I was fooling myself it would all magically work out and help turn me into some famous artist. What was I thinking!

Clearly, Jonah wasn’t interested in a relationship with me either. He wouldn’t kiss me back.’

And now Jem won’t either.

Even though there’s nothing I’d love more.

I was serious about wanting us to be serious, but it seems I’m not serious enough for him.

‘I don’t know how it happened,’ Bea says now, sounding like she’s worried I’m angry with her. ‘I never meant it to, I swear.’

But I’m not angry. Not with her. With myself, maybe. I’m like a chaos demon, causing havoc wherever I go.

It needs to stop.

I want it to stop.

‘Yeah, well. Sometimes these things creep up on us and take us out at the knees,’ I tell her.

Just like my feelings for Jem did.

Bea shoots me a pained smile. ‘I never believed in love at first sight before. And then I met Jonah.’

‘So, you love him?’ I ask, though that’s been patently obvious from the moment she started talking about him.

‘It sounds crazy, I know. I’ve only just met him, but there’s something about him… I just know, deep in my bones, that he’s the man for me. It’s an instinct, not something I can explain.’

‘That’s love for you,’ I say. She deserves to be happy too, my kind, considerate sister.

‘I can’t believe this situation. It’s so messed up!’ Tears are running down her cheeks now and I’m suddenly desperate to make this right for her.

‘Are you sure there’s nothing to be done here?’ I ask gently.

‘Yes. I’m sure. You should have seen the way he looked at me when he left. He doesn’t trust me any more. He can’t. Not after I lied to him the way I did.’

Shame washes through me. This is all my fault. ‘Because I made you,’ I point out, wanting her to know how sorry I am to have caused her this pain.

‘You didn’t make me. I chose to do it. I could have said no.’

‘Hmm. I’m not sure about that. I basically emotionally blackmailed you into doing it,’ I say, echoing Jem’s words to me when we were on the island. He was right; I have been selfish. And thoughtless.

Guilt wells in my gut.

‘Well, it doesn’t matter any more,’ Bea says, clearly trying to pull herself together now.

‘It’s done and can’t be undone. We’re both just going to have to move on with our lives in different directions.

’ She takes a deep, steadying breath. ‘Speaking of which, I need to let Jem know something. I’ll be back in a moment and we’ll talk some more and see if we can work out what we’re going to do about getting you a new job. ’

I open my mouth to tell her that she doesn’t need to concern herself with that – that I need to take responsibility for my own life now and she doesn’t need to fix it for me – but before I can get the words out, she leaves the room.

I follow her out into the hall, but she’s gone into the office to speak to Jem and I hold back from walking in there. It sounds like they have some serious business issue to discuss.

I swallow hard, hearing the solemn tone of Bea’s voice and deducing it’s not good news.

Taking a step closer to the partly open door, I hear Jem say, ‘Sorry, Bea. It’s a great opportunity, but it’ll be intensive and won’t leave me any time outside of it to work on something new with you.’

Oh no. So it sounds like they didn’t get the funding they were hoping for and the business is dead in the water. And Jem’s already decided to take Jeff up on his offer of a job.

Which means he’s going to leave.

I might never see him again.

There’s a horrible, squeezing sort of pain in my chest as I consider this.

No, no, no.

Before I can check myself, I push open the door and step into the room. I need to see his face. To see if there’s any way I can stop this from happening.

I give a small cough to clear my throat and Jem glances over at me for a second, then turns straight back to Bea, as if my presence there is of no real consequence.

‘It’s based in London. I’ll be working for the guy your dad introduced me to this week. The one who owns the island we were just staying on,’ he tells Bea.

‘I see,’ she says, not sounding entirely delighted about this either. ‘Okay. Well, far be it for me to stand in your way. I want you to be happy and if this is the way to make that happen then you have my every blessing.’

‘I’m really sorry, Bea. I wanted to make this business work with you, but it looks like it’s not meant to happen.’

My sister nods. She’s a smart cookie and knows when she’s beaten. ‘Yeah. We should cut our losses. And you should definitely take that job, if it’s something you want to do.’

Jem stares down at his keyboard and nods. ‘I think it is.’

I want to cry. Or go over to him and shake him. Do something, anyway, to snap him out of this decision.

‘So, you’re going to take it?’ I blurt.

‘Yeah,’ Jem says. That’s it, just yeah . Like it’s no big deal.

Like he can just walk away without a backwards glance and leave me here. As if what happened between us means nothing to him.

Bea must sense my pain because she looks between us with her eyes narrowed and asks, ‘What’s going on with you two?’

‘Nothing,’ Jem says, getting up from his chair.

‘I’m going to head home. I have things to arrange.

’ As he passes Bea, he reaches over and squeezes her shoulder.

I wait for him to touch me too. Just a small acknowledgement that this is tough on me as well.

But he doesn’t; he just walks past me as if I’m not there.

I let him go.

All right then. Fine. If that’s the way he wants to do this, then okay. He can brush us under the carpet if he wants. Pretend there’s nothing there between us. I know there is, though. I know it.

I’m on the brink of ugly crying, but I know that bawling about this isn’t going to fix it.

Complaining about it isn’t either. You have to have agency in this world to make good things happen for yourself, right?

So that’s what I need to do. Stop relying on other people to get me where I want to be and figure out a way to do it myself.

I want Jem to see me as an independent, strong woman. Someone he’d be happy to be with – someone he’s proud of and has respect for.

And most of all, I want that for myself too.

Even if we never actually get together, I want to be proud of the choices I’ve made.

I hope we do get together, though.

Because I really care about him and I truly think we’d be great together.

I just need to find a way to prove it to him.

But that’s a problem for another day. First, I need to fix the mess I made for Bea. She needs me right now and there’s no way I’m letting her down again.

It’s time I grew up and started to take life seriously. I understand that now.

‘Okay. I’m going to go and see Jonah and sort this mess out,’ I tell her.

She blinks at me in surprise. ‘What?’

So I tell her all the things I’d like to say to Jem right now. That I think he’s hurting and he’s put up a protective wall around himself, but he’s making a big mistake. He’s going to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to him that way.

Then I tell her what a wonderful sister and person she is and that she should put herself first for once. That she doesn’t need to act like my mother any more. That I’m taking responsibility for myself from now on and I’m going to fix this for her.

And I mean it too.

Every damn word.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, I know that. And this is the perfect way to kick-start it.