Page 47 of The Love of Our Lives

The next couple of days are a hazy blur of waking up late in each other’s arms and drinking coffees out on the deck.

And as the most glorious sun comes up over the mountains, washing this new world over in pine greens and sapphire blues, I feel a strange sense of calm – as though, for a moment, the strands of my and Emily’s lives have connected again somehow and I can just settle for a moment – enjoy this part, right here.

And I suspect Adam is feeling some of that peace too, as he tells me more about all the times with his grandparents, and I think he’s starting to realise that if they could have been there for him now too, they would have.

Then, on the third day, we start to go biking along local leafy trails and hiking up craggy rocks.

We visit Lake Louise and stare out at the incredible blue at the basin of steep cliffs.

We go camping up in the mountains, lay out beneath the stars and, eventually, we go cliff diving.

My heart is thumping with each step up the pebbled path, thinking of my sister floating in that shallow water, knowing exactly how quickly life can be extinguished in a moment.

But I also know that, in this scenario, we’ve checked it all out: the water levels are good, the jump isn’t particularly high, and it’s an established safe spot to do this.

In fact, Adam has made the jump many times already this summer and has run me through best-practice techniques.

So when he says, ‘you game?’ at the edge, I’m as prepared as I’ll ever be, and I don’t let fear hold me back.

Because I might not get another chance. I simply take a deep breath, say, ‘I’m game,’ and jump high into the air.

And it is joyous and exhilarating, and when I resurface from the water below after, I realise everything is still fine – even better than fine.

And I can finally start to let the pain of my sister’s final moments go, and remember the true joy she had for life instead.

When we’re back at the cabin, we have dinner out on the deck and chat away about everything, like we always did.

Then we go to bed and make love, lying wrapped in each other’s arms until the morning.

He doesn’t ask me about why I decided to come here, and I don’t raise it – I think neither of us want whatever this spell is to end.

But on our last night, as we’re dancing slowly out on the deck together under the stars, Adam says, ‘Have you had a good time?’

I smile. ‘What do you think?’

He looks down at me with a soft expression, and I can sense what he’s thinking. I can feel it now, that question from him. And suddenly, I’m not sure if I can fight it anymore. Before I’ve even thought it through, I say, ‘I love you, Adam.’

‘I love you too, Emily.’ He says, as though this is what he still truly wants.

And it doesn’t feel scary anymore – it feels good and right and amazing and I wonder why I’ve never allowed myself to get here before.

It is the best part of my trip, and I start to realise that nothing about my old, seemingly limited body, was actually stopping me having moments like this – going to new places and experiencing new things.

Because the cooking classes with Charlie and the dancing with William and the slow walks I took in the hills with Adam were some of the fullest moments of this past year, even if they did seem small at the time.

I was lucky to be in my old life as Maggie; to have the potential to meet amazing people like Adam.

And it was only my heart I was scared of risking.

Eventually though, as with everything in life, it must come to an end – Adam has to get back for his work in the UK, and I need to get back too – for different reasons.

I have to try somehow to come to a decision – let Emily die however she did that day in Edinburgh, or not.

I’m fully aware that maybe I’ve got this all wrong and I’ll automatically go back to my old life regardless of what I do, which would also be a privilege, I’m realising now.

But even as I think it, a sensation in my stomach tells me that that is absolutely not why I’m here, and there’s a reason why all this happened; a reason I was brought here in the first place.

Emily died, yet somehow the universe brought me back to her life.

Which means she wasn’t done with it. There was something, or someone, holding her here – Adam perhaps?

And if I stop her dying on the day of the transplant, she’ll return to however I leave it, and I – Maggie – will die in hospital instead.

I can change the outcome for her, just like I did for Charlie.

But frustration slams me again now, because the truth is, I’m not done with life either and I don’t want to go at all. I want to live and breathe and experience everything I can, for as long as I possibly can.

I’m so desperate for it, it hurts, and as much as I want Emily to finish whatever she was trying to do, I don’t want to give my life up for her.

I’m pretty quiet on the way back to Scotland, and I feel Adam keep looking across at me, in the taxi to the airport, in the coffee shop at departures. It’s like we’ve been in this bubble the past week together and suddenly reality is hitting hard.

I have a choice to make and I don’t know how to make it.

As Adam sleeps on the plane beside me on the way back, I find myself tracing the shape of his forehead, his nose, the swollen pout of his lips, which I have kissed so many times now, and I wonder – did Emily love Adam as much as I do?

Did she cherish him like this? Because she actually had a proper relationship before, one that spanned years, and there was real love there, once.

Whereas I’m only just finding this; I’m only just experiencing this incredible sensation for the very first time in my life.

What I had with Nick didn’t come close. And though I know I’d go back to my old life if I got the heart, I can’t help wondering if I could find Adam again, somehow; this person who means so much to me. Whether it could be the same.

But as I rest my head against his shoulder, I know instinctively that Adam meant so much to her too. She loved him, just as much as me. And those amazing feelings whenever I’m around Adam were hers also.

A jolting sensation.

‘We’re here,’ a gentle voice says.

Opening my eyes, I blink around to see we’ve landed, and the plane is taxiing along the runway to a halt.

I look around to see Adam just above me, a soft expression in his eyes.

‘You slept the entire flight.’ He says, kissing me lightly on the forehead, and I smile faintly back at him.

Because a knot of reality has been growing in me since we left Canada, and I’m not sure what I’m thinking; what I’m feeling right now.

Immediately I see the worry in his eyes, and I feel like the worst person in the world for causing that, so I try to act like everything is OK.

I’ve already put him through enough, after all, and I just try to remember William’s words again – that I need to make each day count.

Walking out of Edinburgh Airport a little while later, Adam reaches for me again in the evening air, and holding his hand tightly, I go with him to the taxi rank.

Twenty minutes later and we pull up outside our building, a sight so very joyous for me, with our two flats side by side at the top, dear William downstairs, and Ferris padding softly around somewhere.

It’s only as we’re stepping out of the taxi that I see her, standing outside the building in fitted jeans and a white shirt.

‘Fran,’ I say, my heart immediately racing.

I haven’t spoken to her since the wedding, of course, despite her emailing and calling several times during her honeymoon.

I felt bad for the stress she must have been under during what should have been the most relaxed time with Toby, and then I got mad at myself for feeling bad about it.

Because this was all of her own making. And after the years of friendship she and Emily shared, and how close I felt to her too, I just couldn’t bring myself to speak to her.

Yet, seeing her standing right here outside the building, with those wide remorseful eyes, I can’t helping feeling some of that same pull I’ve always had to her.

‘E,’ she says, taking a small step towards me. But I don’t go to hug her. I don’t try to make this easy for her.

‘I’m sorry I’ve come with no warning, but I really needed to speak to you. . .’

Her eyes flit nervously to Adam, who offers her a polite smile, and a ‘hello’ as he would for anyone. Then he turns to me. ‘I’ll just take the bags up, all right?’

‘Thanks,’ I say, all the while wishing he wouldn’t leave me. But he knows what happened, and he knows that I have to deal with this alone.

When he’s gone inside, I turn to Fran again.

‘How did you know I’d be back today?’ I say flatly.

She pauses. ‘I contacted that friend of yours at the dance school.’

I frown. ‘Charlie?’

I can’t blame her obviously – of course Charlie wouldn’t have thought there was any issue telling a friend the dates. She was just so ecstatic to hear that Adam and I were coming back from Canada together; that we’d found a way to make it work.

‘I’m sorry,’ Fran says, her voice wavering, ‘I didn’t know what else to do, and I’m so, so sorry about everything, but I really need you to hear me out on it all, and then you can decide to hate me forever, if you want to.’

For a moment, I think about turning her away, telling her to go back to London with all her lies.

But something stops me – memories of us playing as small kids at each other’s houses, swapping our sandwiches in the playground and drinking Eltons in the hazy London light, laughing until our stomachs hurt.

I can give her a few minutes of my time, surely.

‘All right,’ I say finally, ‘do you want to come up?’

She nods her head, her eyes hopeful. ‘That would be great, thank you.’