Page 37 of The Love of Our Lives
But it wasn’t a dream, and they couldn’t revive her.
And it was me who had to call home and hear my mother’s wails down the line when I told her what had happened.
Just a simple trip, just a moment of fun was all it took to destroy everything.
And I knew in that moment that it was all my fault – despite what anyone said later on about her knowing the water levels were shallow and it being a reckless move.
If I had never suggested that trip, if I had never encouraged her to jump, my sister would still be here.
If I had simply stayed being careful, stayed being grateful for the small life I had, nothing bad would have happened to her big one.
But it did.
I took her life.
And she’ll never get it back.
A stirring beside me, and Adam wakes.
‘Is that an alarm?’ he says, looking around. Then before I know it, he’s jumped to his feet, and he’s walking away down the corridor. Dazed and tearful, like I’m coming out of a watery dream, I follow behind.
Sven is in the corridor outside the room when we get there, and he is hunched over himself, head in his hands. My heart stops.
Oh god, oh god .
Not again.
Not Charlie and the baby. I’ll stop doing my list, I won’t push it any more than I already have.
Because if I really think about it – this list was never about Emily; it was about me and all the things I always wanted to do.
I went around her flat and made blind assumptions based on some flyers she probably thought nothing of, some hiking boots she maybe had no intention of ever actually using – an atlas she likely never looked at and one solitary chat with a dance instructor.
But this is what happens when I take chances.
Everything goes wrong.
Everyone loses.
‘Sven,’ I say, putting one shaky hand on his shoulder. He looks up sharply, his eyes filled with tears.
And then, out of nowhere, he smiles.
‘They’re going to be OK,’ he says, grabbing my hands in both of his own. ‘They’re both going to be OK.’
A few minutes later and I’m ushered into the room with Charlie, as Sven speaks to Adam outside. Sven looks incredibly relieved but there’s a new strain on his face, which I’ve never seen before.
Charlie’s still lying in bed, looking just as out of place as the night before – her blond hair too bright for the room, her face devoid today of her usually spunky make-up.
‘Charlie,’ I say, walking towards her slowly, ‘are you all right?’
She takes in a breath, looks at me, but her eyes are suddenly blank. ‘What do you think?’
I’m a bit thrown by her tone but I also know she’s been through a lot in the past twelve hours.
‘Is there anything I can get you?’ I say. ‘Some water maybe?’
She shakes her head and I feel something uncomfortable rise up in me now.
‘I’m really sorry this happened . . .’ I start.
‘Yup, me too,’ she says, rubbing the bump in front of her.
A silence.
‘Was it a rock?’ I ask.
She shakes her head. ‘I really don’t want to talk about it, Emily. And I won’t be doing anything on the list anymore either, OK?’
‘OK,’ I say softly, thrown by her abrupt tone.
But at the same time, I know I deserve this. This is all my fault – if I hadn’t suggested the trip and kept everyone up so late, then none of this would have happened. If I hadn’t thrown caution to the wind, then we wouldn’t be in this position. Just like with Cat.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say, swallow, ‘but the good news is, you’re both healthy, right?’
She shrugs. ‘Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, though, if there’s any lasting implications?’
‘But Sven said—’
‘Sven isn’t a doctor,’ Charlie snaps.
‘Charlie I—’
‘Just stop,’ she says now, holding her hand up, and she looks so very exhausted in this moment. So utterly spent and I feel awful.
‘I just need to be alone right now,’ she says, her voice cracking.
I’m about to saying something, anything to help, when Charlie turns to face the other wall. I don’t move, too upset about what’s happened – what I’ve caused – but after a moment, I realise there is nothing else to do but go.
Go home.
The journey back down to Edinburgh with Adam is much quieter than the way up, the shock of the accident still ricocheting through us.
I don’t tell Adam exactly what was said with Charlie, but I think he knows it was fraught.
‘She just needs a bit of time to recover,’ he says gently at one point and even though I try to be reassured by his words, I can’t quite feel their truth.
When we finally get back to our building, I stand sadly on the pavement, just taking it all in.
Reaching the top of the stairs with our backpacks a few minutes later, I turn to go into my flat, when I feel him reach for my hand. I look back to see his eyes on mine, warm and searching.
‘Don’t go,’ he says. ‘Come travelling with me.’
My heart catches in my chest. ‘Why? So, you can have someone to hang out with?’
‘No,’ he says, frowning lightly, ‘because I want to be with you.’
I half laugh, still exhausted by today’s events. ‘Today you might, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day? What if I wanted to stay exactly where I am. Would you stay too?’
Adam doesn’t answer immediately and I find myself nodding. ‘See, you were always going to leave eventually. You always do.’
‘That’s not true,’ he says firmly.
‘Oh, isn’t it?’ I say, my heart thumping now. ‘What happened with Claire, Adam? That’s right, Charlie told me.’
He swallows. ‘That was different, it felt different with her. I told you that.’
‘Nothing seems very different to me,’ I find myself saying wearily. ‘People need you here – Charlie, Sven, me – but you’re still just going off anyway.’
‘That’s because the world never let me down,’ he says gruffly now. ‘The world was the only consistent thing in my life. Do you know what it was like, never having anyone to depend on? Being left to fend for myself like that.’
‘No,’ I start, ‘but—’
‘So you don’t have any idea what I went through with Claire. Do you know she said if I didn’t settle down and stop travelling completely, she would leave me?’
‘No,’ I whisper now, feeling awful for him.
‘So I knew she would ultimately be happier with someone else, and it also just confirmed to me,’ he says, ‘that the only person I can depend on to actually show up for me, is me . . . until I met you that is, and I wondered if maybe, just maybe, you might be that person to show up for me too.’
Tears prick at my eyes because I want to show up for him, I do. I want to follow him to Canada and travel the world and go everywhere I can with him. He’s the most vibrant, warm, enthusiastic person I’ve ever met, after Cat.
Adam reaches for my hand and a lump starts in my throat, as I wonder what it would feel like to just jump on a plane with him – live in the moment, like he always does.
Even if this is all going to end.
But after everything that just happened, I have to stop thinking about me and start thinking more about what Emily would have wanted in her last months; keep her alive and honour her legacy like I’d planned – in the important ways.
And not just that, the closer I get to the day of the transplant, the more I’m recognising that I can’t just up and leave the UK.
Emily has to be here for my other self to receive the heart, and I’m not entirely sure I want to risk throwing anything off-course.
Because something about Charlie’s accident has shaken me and I have this innate sense that that didn’t happen the first time.
I just know it – in the same way I’ve known that some other things definitely did happen the first time – this growing awareness that I could change something here.
Change the outcome.
The thought makes me shiver and there’s something else about it all too, something knocking at my brain. Like a puzzle piece I’m not quite fitting into place – or my brain won’t let me fit into place.
Adam takes a breath when I say nothing, holds my hand tighter. He smells of warm fleece and joy and light, and everything I’ve fallen for about him.
‘Say something, Emily,’ he says. ‘Don’t do this for the second time . . . I don’t think I can go through it again. I won’t go through it again.’
Those words. The way he’s looking at me now, so very full of love.
But I have to see this through for Emily, and my other self, to the end.
‘I can’t, Adam. I’m sorry.’