Page 17 of The Lionheart’s Bond (Bonds of Dusk and Dawn #1)

JUDEL

T he beast had overwhelmed his consciousness at once. Devoid of his ability to control the creature’s body, there had been no time to get far enough from the castle, to make sure the people of Ilystead were safe from him, to make sure he was safe from them. There might be a hunting ban, but any human being faced with the choice of killing a wild animal or seeing their family come to harm would pick the former, regardless of the consequences. He certainly would. That’s why there was only a hunting ban and not a penalty for harming wild animals.

There was one dramatic difference with every other day, though. His senses were not suppressed. He was aware, even if he didn’t have any power to change his course. He saw through the lion’s eyes and smelled through the lion’s nostrils. Felt the wind on the lion’s fur. Just as he did when he was in control.

He shouldn’t be so surprised this latest development. Nothing was normal about the last few days. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t train, he couldn’t think without contradicting images of Isidore popping into his head.

Ever since they had discovered Lord Torell was his father, Judel had questioned everything the boy had ever told him, right down to his name. Was any of what Isidore had said true? His age. His inexperience. His smile.

All lies, lies, lies.

The boy’s feelings for him, the softness in his eyes when he looked at Judel, the blush on his cheeks when they touched.

Lies.

Anger constricted his chest, and the lion roared. A scream echoed in the distance. No, not the distance, around the corner. A woman, coming out of the next street, rushed back and disappeared quickly. His steps had led him into town. He roamed aimlessly, unable to stop himself.

He wished he was anywhere else, but no matter how hard he had tried, he had been unable to redirect the lion. As if the beast knew where it was going and why, it had turned away from the forest and sought out the inhabited areas of the queen’s lands. The cobblestones hard and cold under his paws, his head moving one side and the other. The Ilish citizens slammed their doors, many of them watching him through their windows, some in fear, some in awe.

He prowled through streets and alleys, roaring at anyone who came too close, feeling the urge to attack any time the lion caught sight of somebody slow or vulnerable.

The guards would be here soon. He was both keen for it to happen and dreaded it at the same time. Fear pressed down on him. He was terrified he would hurt a civilian. He was terrified he would hurt a guard. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to them hurting him either, but it seemed meant to happen, if he couldn’t own his body again.

There was no indication that would happen any time soon, though. He couldn’t even clear his mind. All that existed in there was Isidore and this unstoppable rage coursing through his veins like a second curse.

It all started with wishing he had never met the boy, but he only ever made it halfway through that thought. Much as it pained him, he couldn’t even believe it. Both his body and soul rebelled against it, because it was simply not true. He wouldn’t have changed the past, he wouldn’t have changed what had happened between them, and that made the lies even harder to stomach.

He had only himself to blame. Every time he had gotten closer to the young man, he told himself it was too dangerous. Risking his heart again had been foolish.

Maybe he thought it would be different with someone like Isidore, someone who had grown without ambitions, unlike Fabina. He wasn’t even sure what that said about his feelings. Were they even real? They could be the natural result of years of loneliness and despair.

But that didn’t ring true either. Would he be so hurt if it wasn’t real? Would he be revisiting all the times they were alone together? All the moments Isidore had looked up at him with his big green eyes, bright like gems. Adoring. All the times he had turned a sunshine smile to Judel, even when he was angry or harsh.

But his mind insisted on marring even those memories in doubt and suspicion. It was a dirty cycle of hope and disappointment, sweetness and anger, it wouldn’t stop.

Another door slammed ahead of him. Another face stuck to a window. All he could do now was pray that the sun would set over a scared, but otherwise unscathed city.

He sighed. Or he thought about sighing. What came out of the lion’s jowls was a low growl.

The lion took a sharp turn.

Judel realized where he was going. He roared.

After the curse, he had stopped coming here. They had all stopped coming into town. It was better to avoid the gossip and whispers. Everyone knew something strange was going on in the castle, aware the royal family was cursed, even if they didn’t know the nature of it. With three men in the line of succession, they had been forced to explain why Nahel was the one to take the crown instead of her older brothers. It was unheard of, and led to too many questions. And there was the brutal murder of their parents, for which they had given no explanation whatsoever, while the funeral ceremonies were conducted privately. The least people saw, the better for their sanity.

Yes, that’s where he was. At last, he got his bearings. The street opened up to a large square, where the market took place. And there, her house rose.

It was a majestic building, with large gardens all around. In spring, planters filled with flowers. One of the most affluent families of Ilystead owned one of the largest houses in town too.

Thankfully it wasn’t market day.

The rumours of a wild beast running free into the city would spread fast too and hopefully lead people to find a hiding spot. At least no one had come close enough for the lion to act out. Only a few people had spotted him and wisely ran in the opposite direction. He might just get through the day, he thought.

There was now a pungent, metallic smell. The carcass of a freshly killed pig, gutted open for the benefit of the lion, had been left in the middle of the square, no doubt to distract him from his destination.

There were other smells, smells that ought to have alerted the animal, but that it was ignoring gleefully, just so he could get to the meat. Or maybe it was used to it, maybe being human, living surrounded by other humans, had the lion accustomed to the scent and it wasn’t bothering it. Any other animal would bolt, surrounded by as many guards as he was.

The lion sniffed the meat, triggering contradictory responses. It was drooling over the meat, but Judel was feeling sick to his stomach. Having no memory of feeding or any of the other activities the animal carried out during a lot of the day was one of the few advantages of losing his consciousness. He had no choice this time, as the animal held the carcass down and tore the flesh off the bone with his fangs. The taste of blood flooded his mouth. Fresh, metallic, still warm.

Everything changed.

He roared, loud. There was no lion and him, there was just him, and he was the lion.

His earlier attempts at rationalizing the situation seemed ridiculous now. The taste of blood woke up a sense of acceptance in him. He had walked through town as if his personality was split, when in fact he just didn’t want to acknowledge the rage that was fuelling him, fuelling the lion’s consciousness and the melding of the two.

He stood on top of the carcass, protecting it, knowing what would come next. They weren’t hard to spot. The guards had covered all exits, equipped with spears and nets.

His instinct was to defend his prey against all odds, but that was the beast’s urges speaking and he wasn’t entirely a beast. Accepting he was all of it, he ran straight at the guard to his left, by the corner of the nearest street. The world was painted in red and all he had to guide him was the pulsating anger in his gut. At the end, this was all he was, an ugly beast, and it felt so damn good. No need to think, no need to worry. Just follow his instincts. That was it.

He could feel the pulse of the man he was about to floor, but an arrow buried on the ground right in front of his paws, making him jump back. He roared in frustration and kept running. Another arrow. And another. Roaring again, he backed off, eyes skipping from one guard to the next, trying to find a weak spot, only now catching sight of the archers on the roofs.

He prowled, growled at the guards, each one of them a pulsating bag of meat, blood and bones he wanted to tear apart with his claws and teeth.

His head hurt. Did animals get headaches?

And then he saw her. Behind the lines of guards, standing with her parents, Nahel standing in front.

She looked as lovely as always. Her long hair tumbling over her shoulders. The dark green gown tight around her waist. Her eyes filled with terror when she looked down at him. To be expected. But their expression turned, soured once she saw he wasn’t moving. The contempt he had grown so used to he didn’t even see anymore. The disgust his brothers had all witness but never mentioned. A wave of hatred surged in him, so strong he might have lunged for her throat if not for the archers and their nocked arrows pointed at him. Her soft, delicate throat. He growled low, prowling, well out of the perimeter the archers had set with.

Nahel turned to Fabina and her parents. The words they exchanged, he couldn’t hear, but a deeper terror washed over her face, and she took a step back. Nahel insisted. Fabina swallowed, hand tight against her chest.

‘J… Judel,’ she said. It made him wince to hear her say his name with that voice, so sweet and ensorcelling. ‘It’s time to calm down and come home now.’

Home? Her voice was so shaky when she said the word. Once, he dreamt of her speaking those words, of returning somewhere where she would have been waiting for him, where they could have raised a family, grown old together. Only a few weeks ago, he probably would have. He’d be fretting about her reaction to his animal form. He could admit now there had been a time when he had hoped she would come to accept him as he was now, once she got over the shock. Once she had time to think. The seven years he had waited wouldn’t even matter. He had still held to that useless hope.

‘I… I know I said we couldn’t be together, but… but maybe it’s not too late. M-maybe I can get used to it,’ she said.

What was she even saying? He wanted to laugh.

‘We were friends once, maybe—’

He roared. His anger faded. Friends? She didn’t think him interesting enough to be friends, though; she had said so. How could she bring that up now? Nahel ground her teeth next to her, probably also aware of the bullshit she was spewing.

Why did Nahel encourage Fabina to speak? To intervene? Was she so scared of what he might do that he thought only Fabina could bring him back?

He scoffed in his mind. If his sister new anything, she would have known Fabina didn’t sway him anymore; she would have brought Is—

Ah, so that’s how it was, he thought to himself, all tension leaving his body. That’s why he had come here.

His relationship with Fabina had all been lies, but he had loved her. Until only recently, he had still been clinging to the thought of her, but now he saw her, he was sure. He could let it go now.

With a final roar, he realized he hadn’t loved her for some time. The eyes he saw in his mind, the ones he wanted to be looking at him and soothing him, were wide and green and begging, a mouth tight in a gesture of such pain, it haunted him. But even that had been lies.

Nahel was right, he was too naive.

He walked away from her, slow, determined, the fire in his gut extinguishing. Nahel, maybe able to read the defeat in his movements, signalled for the archers to stand down, and for the guards to escort him.

He looked back at this woman; this girl he had known for so long. This girl he had loved most of his life. He said goodbye to the dream of her he had been in love with.

His anger extinguished completely now, no fuel to keep it alive any longer. Because he had no one else to blame. Even though he had been fooled, he let yet another person take advantage of him, just like Nahel had feared. It was entirely his fault. He shouldn’t have let his kind gestures and adoring gaze pull him into his trap.

But no matter how much he blamed himself, it still hurt.

Escorted by the guards, he made it to the city bounds, the fields and the forest in view, and broke into a violent run. The air ran cold through his lungs, and the wind blew in his face, clearing his mind. Hopefully he’d get lost in the darkness of the forest and the numbness of the lion’s conscience soon.

It was almost midnight when he got back to the castle. Even after he transformed, he felt too ashamed to go back. He lingered under the trees for a while, until it got too cold, and the danger of freezing to death became too real.

With a bit of luck, everybody would be asleep or otherwise occupied, and nobody would come looking for him. He wasn’t sure he could tolerate any teasing today. Training and a hot bath, that’s what he needed. Hacking at invisible enemies always made him feel better, but he was sure at least one of his brothers or even Nahel would be there, and he wasn’t ready to face any of them.

All his plans came to nothing as soon as he entered his room. In the corner, sitting on a stool she must have brought herself and reading a message as if this was the most natural thing to do, was his sister. Her attention turned to him for a moment, before returning to her reading. When she was done, she folded the paper carefully, nimble fingers pressing the folds tight, before sliding it inside her tunic. Crossing her legs, finally, she looked up at him.

‘I was giving you time to get dressed.’

Judel blushed all the way to the tips of his ear. His nakedness had not mattered to him, so confused and annoyed he was at her presence. He grabbed his clothes from the floor and pulled the shirt over his head fast, turning around to pull his trousers up.

‘Not that the sight of your bare ass is any better,’ she said.

He grunted.

‘Your own fault for waiting here. It’s not like you don’t know how it works.’

‘Watch your attitude.’ Her voice ran cold, her gaze distant. ‘I am the queen.’

‘That you are,’ he agreed, finally dressed and sitting on his pallet, ready for whatever proverbial sanction came his way.

‘What the fuck happened?’

‘Your Majesty!’ he exclaimed in fake outrage, too irritated to take her seriously.

‘Judel!’

He grunted, running a hand through his hair.

‘I know, I know—Or rather, I don’t. I woke up, I transformed, and the lion had taken over. I couldn’t do anything.’

‘But you were still conscious, right?’ She crossed her arms, frowning.

‘Yes, but I couldn’t—’

‘You already said, thank you.’

She blew hard through her nose, and Judel braced himself.

‘You put a lot of people in danger.’ When the queen was in this mood, she made her subjects feel as if they were wrapped in a blanket of ice.

‘I am aware.’

‘Luckily nobody got hurt.’

He knew that as well, but it was still a relief to hear the words.

‘You reacted to her, though. She was helpful.’

‘You asked her to help.’

‘Of course,’ Nahel nodded.

‘You’re the queen, she couldn’t say no.’

‘Be that as it may…’ Nahel shrugged.

Judel rolled his eyes, where was she going with this.

‘You don’t hate her, then?’

‘No.’ He frowned. What the hell was going on?

She squinted, tilted her head, got up.

‘People believe it was an actual wild mountain lion, so please don’t mention this if it’s not absolutely necessary.’

Judel nodded. Sadly, when she said ‘people’ she didn’t mean their brothers. They all knew, he had no doubt.

‘Why did you make her face me?’ he asked, his eyes on the floor. ‘I could have hurt her.’

‘She was the only one close by who I thought might have a chance to get through to you. I could have… But it could have made it worse too. It was better to leave him where he was. She stood by the door. He gritted his teeth, his lungs too tight. ‘Get some sleep.’ She waved her hand goodbye on the way out, leaving him alone once more.

He rubbed his eyes, exhaustion suddenly crashing over him. Sleep would hopefully come easy, but he wanted a bath first. Surely that’d wash off some of the guilt and humiliation currently making him feel the size of a pea pod.

The bath chamber, however, was not empty. Both Nel and Brin were there, soaking in the hot, fragrant waters, and already wrinkly like prunes, the stream thick enough to soak his clothes through within seconds.

‘If it isn’t our fierce brother,’ Brin chuckled.

‘Shut up, jerk,’ he grunted, pulling off his shirt over his head.

Mattes, meanwhile, was ready to fill him a bath. The splash echoed in the room, dulled by the steam, and ran like a small tide over his feet as he made his way to a tub as far away from the others as he could. Nel liked to be around the middle, but Judel preferred the water to be hot enough to scorch.

He picked the one closest to the fire and sank into it, revelling in the burning sensation. It was painful but also revitalizing. The water reached his neck, and he let his head rest against the edge, closing his eyes, the tension melting away.

The warmth did nothing to ease his mind though, and thoughts swam restlessly in it. Isidore’s face, floating above his, his eyes clouded by pleasure as they moved against each other. Every part of his body Isidore had touched or kissed tingled. The feeling of the young man between his arms haunted him even now, and it was almost impossible to push the memories of him back into the corner of his mind they had escaped from.

The flapping sound of bare feet on the wet platform came closer, a presence lingering by his side. Judel tried to convince himself it wasn’t what he thought it was, only to be forced to open his eyes by the sound of someone slipping into the tub next to him.

‘Divinities all mighty, brother, how can you bear this?’ Nel asked, wincing. ‘It’s like being boiled alive.’

‘That’s the point,’ Judel answered, closing his eyes once more and trying to relax.

‘You’re just a masochist, aren’t you? If so,’ he kept talking even though Judel hadn’t had a chance to answer him. Or punch him. Either would have worked. ‘I have a couple of friends who could really service you in those areas. They make their own whips. Granted, they make them for horses, but you have the size for it.’

‘Nel, one day, in a not-so-distant future, I’m going to put your head through a wall.’

‘Violence is not the answer to everything.’

Judel didn’t answer. He would never put any of his brothers’ heads through anything or hurt them in any way, and they knew it. That was the problem.

Not to mention, even if he beat Nel to a pulp, he would still manage to say what he had to say in between punches. It wasn’t worth the effort.

‘I have some news you might be interested to hear.’

He ignored him, if only because he knew his younger brother wanted nothing more than for him to ask. It was petty satisfaction to deny him in these small ways.

‘About Isidore.’

He tried to control his body’s response, but he couldn’t. His eyes opened at the name; his leg twitched.

‘I thought you’d like to know,’ Nel said, leaning back into his own bath and closing his eyes.

Then said nothing.

Because that was how much of a dick he could be.

‘Just come out with it and stop being so desperate for attention.’ Judel splashed him as if to punctuate his comment.

‘Fine,’ he said, ‘but just because it’s important. Isidore will only talk to you.’

‘That’s it?’

‘What else do you want? He has information, he’ll only tell you and no one else.’

Judel leaned back, his shoulders tense. He thought it was maybe a message, but this… He didn’t want to see him. He wasn’t sure he could face him. Either he would wrap his hands around that slender neck, or he would end up wrapping him in his arms. There was no middle ground.

‘For what it’s worth,’ Nel continued, serious now, ‘I do believe him.’

‘You think that man was lying?’

Nel shrugged.

‘He could be. He’s not the most reliable source. Isidore is hiding something, I’m sure of it, but I don’t think it’s who his father is.’

Judel hesitated. The pain on his face had seemed genuine that last evening, after they had shared those moments of pleasure.

He didn’t answer. The ceiling wasn’t providing any new insights, and Nel’s words were not easing his confusion either.

‘What is he hiding then?’

‘I think he knows where Lord Joceus is,’ Nel said.

‘But isn’t it worse that he hid that from us, then?’ Judel turned towards his brother so brusquely, water splashed around in a big wave.

‘It is, but it also makes it vital that we hear what he has to say.’

Judel turned back to stare at the ceiling once more.

‘Are you going to speak with him?’ Nel pushed for an answer.

‘I guess I have no choice’ Judel looked away from his brother, afraid Nel might catch the way he was blushing or any of the other signs that his heart was beating faster at the thought of seeing Isidore.

‘I don’t think so,’ a familiar voice rang through the room. As they lifted their eyes, they met Nahel’s inexorable glare as she stood on the platform in front of them.

‘Fuck,’ Judel grunted, as he covered himself with his hands, splashing water around in a panic.

‘You’re dismissing the most straightforward way to get the information we need,’ Nel said, reaching for a linen by the side of his bath. ‘Why try to force the issue when we have an easy way out?’

‘Because I don’t negotiate with people holding knives to my throat,’ she said, her hand on her belt. ‘He lied to Judel, to us, and I’m not going to reward that by giving him what he wants. He doesn’t deserve our mercy.’

‘Nahel…’ Judel tried to argue, his heart rushing in his chest, panic suddenly grasping at him.

‘I’ve spoken,’ she said, glaring at him pointedly. ‘And don’t worry, I’ll get him to speak without laying a finger on him.’

Judel’s heart thudded quicker in his chest. What would happen once he revealed his information? Would Nahel dispose of him like she did of that other man? He burned to defend him but didn’t know what he could possibly say that would convince his sister. Judel couldn’t even make up his own mind. Wasn’t he the one to hold the blade to his neck only yesterday?

Even if he had been fooled, even if it had all been a lie for Isidore, it hadn’t been a lie for him. Unable to deny himself the truth at least, he admitted quietly that living apart from Isidore was already going to be hard. How would he survive if Isidore was no more?