Page 78 of The Lies We Tell

Everyone raises their hand, including me.

“Meeting adjourned,” King says.

By the time I get out of the room, Spark is wrapped around Iris, and my heart fucking aches when I see the other brothers surround him.

I hear snatches of their conversation. “What did you do? ... proposed we make it right with your uncle ... club is going to pay ... so fucking sorry for that ... So, it’s over?”

I feel the same way.

I need to come clean.

I can’t face Spark right now, but I need to take stock of what’s in my room here. Perhaps I should grab whatever I want to keep, just in case.

“Preacher man,” King says, catching up with me. “What you said in there. Do you believe it?”

I place my hand on his shoulder, the man who had faith in me and thought I should be a member of this club. “Yeah, Uther. You have nothing to feel guilty for.” I tap the patch on his vest. “You deserve this.”

He surprises me by pulling me in for a hug. “Best nomination I ever made. Come get a drink.”

“In a minute. Just got to take a leak.” It’s all I can manage.

Iris hurries toward me, and I grab her arm. “Iris. A word.”

“Are you okay?”

I feel bereft. Adrift. “Spark. He’s one of the good ones. And I just wanted to check, well, ensure that ... fuck, do you feel as strongly for him as he does for you?”

She tilts her head, confused “I do. Every bit as much, if not more.”

I let go of her arm and nod. “Good, then it makes what he’s about to do mean something.”

“What does that mean?”

“It might emasculate him if you knew, but you should. Can you keep a secret, Iris? No matter what the cost?”

Iris thinks for a moment. “That’s the kind of thing you say to a child. They’ll trust you blankly. But I don’t know what you’re about to say or what your motivation is for saying it. It’s impossible for me to know if I’ll keep that secret or not.”

I smile. “I see why he likes you. The money for you is coming from the club. The money for your uncle? It’s coming from Spark. He already lost three months of pay for disregarding an order so he could be with you. He’s cashing in some of his investments to pay Cillian.”

“He can’t do that. It’s not fair that he should—”

“You’ll let him, Iris. And you won’t ever tell him you know he did it. He’s proud to take care of you any way he can. Let him have his pride. Don’t beg him not to. Don’t tell him he can’t. Let him be who he is. A man who would do anything to protect any of us. I just ... these are all good men. I only wish I were half the man Spark is. Some days, I feel like an imposter.”

I look around the clubhouse and see my friends. Spark in discussion with Clutch and King. King grabbing Spark by the back of the neck and hugging him. King looks up and winks at Iris.

“Take care of Spark,” I say and step into my room. I don’t deserve to hang out with those guys.

I’m exhausted.

I lie down on my bed and put my arm over my eyes.

But I can’t rest. I grab my second phone that I had hidden before the meeting.

“Rae-rae,” I say when my sister answers.

“You good, Ike?”

“I’m ... lost, Rae. Really fucking lost.”