Page 21

1998

Kaya doesn’t care if his wife is there. She doesn’t care if somebody sees her call to the house. She doesn’t care if they have a screaming match on the street.

She needs help. She needs his help. He got her into this mess. He can help her get out of it.

The wind bites as she emerges from her car and tries to pull her hood up. She’d told Miika she was going shopping. He didn’t answer her. His silence over the last twenty-four hours has practic-ally thrummed between them.

Kaya walks quickly down the lane to his house. She doesn’t go round the back; she steps right up on to his porch and hammers on the front door.

He opens it, surprise on his face.

When he sees her, the surprise turns to fear.

He pulls her into the house hurriedly.

‘What are you doing?’ he asks. ‘She’s just left. Did you see her leave?’

He’s hoping Kaya will say, ‘Yes, I watched and I waited until your wife left.’ Some indication that she didn’t just arrive, not caring whether her lover’s wife was there or not.

Kaya shakes her head and walks past him, through to the kitchen. She sees the bottle of whiskey on the counter. She badly wants to pour herself a glass. Would a drop hurt the baby? Does it matter? She’s not sure she can even keep the child now.

She lifts up the bottle, then puts it back down as quick. She’s being stupid. She can’t think that way. It’s her baby, no matter what happens.

‘Kaya,’ he says, his voice thick with anxiety. ‘What is it? Why are you here? I was just about to go to the bar. . . poker night with the guys. . . this isn’t a good time.’

‘He knows,’ she says.

She watches her lover pale– no, she wouldn’t even describe it as pale, he’s actually turned green.

‘You told him?’ he says.

‘No, I didn’t tell him.’

‘Then how does he know?’

‘I don’t know. I just. . . He does.’

He’s regaining his colour a little. He takes a seat at the table, indicates she should do the same.

‘Miika couldn’t know,’ he says. ‘We’ve been careful. I’m assuming you told him about the child. Is that what you mean? He knows you’re pregnant?’

He nods at her stomach. She winces at how he utters the word ‘child’. Like it’s a thing removed. Something repellant.

‘He guessed,’ she says. ‘He saw me, getting out of the shower. And then he wouldn’t talk to me. I was going to tell him. I hoped he wouldn’t work out the dates. But he took one look at me and I swear, he was calculating in his head. He spends his days on the farm. He sees life and death all year round. I should have realised, he knows pregnancy—’

‘Kaya, he’s not a goddamn gynaecologist. He can’t figure out the day you got pregnant just by looking at you. And what of it? I assume you’ve been sleeping with him if you thought you could pull the wool over his eyes.’

‘I wasn’t,’ Kaya says, quietly. She’d managed to rebuff Miika plenty over the months she’d been cheating on him. Her hours in the bar helped. He was usually asleep by the time she got home.

‘But I did, again, a few weeks ago,’ she says. ‘I thought I’d have enough time. I’m twelve weeks now. I didn’t realise I’d show so quickly. He’s not an idiot. He can tell I’m closer to three months than six weeks.’

‘So that was your plan? Christ. Why didn’t you just do what I said? Have you any idea of the mess you’ve caused for yourself?’

Kaya grips the edge of the table. She needs to put her hands somewhere so she doesn’t hit him.

‘The mess I’ve caused for myself? Don’t you mean for us?’

Her lover stares at her with an expression that drips condescension.

‘Exactly what purpose do you hope to serve by telling him you were with me, Kaya? Do you think I’ll leave my wife? That we’ll set up a happy home somewhere? That’s not going to happen. You’ll be alone. I’ll spend a few weeks in the doghouse but my wife will forgive me. You know why? She’ll forgive me because there’ll be a child and she’ll want that baby in our lives. We’ll fight for custody of it. You’ll lose it. You’ll have lost your husband. You’ll have lost your home. And you’ll have lost your reputation. I might not be the most popular man in this town, Kaya, but I’m still a man. You’ll be known as the one who tried to wreck a marriage, just because you couldn’t keep your own. You’ll be known as a slut.’

Kaya is shaking by the time he’s finished.

‘You wouldn’t take my child,’ she says.

‘You go shooting your mouth off about this, just watch me. I’m not sacrificing my whole life because of a fling.’

‘You’re a bastard,’ she says, her voice trembling.

He shrugs. There’s a flash of what she thinks is contrition across his face and she imagines, for a moment, that he’s being hard on her because he thinks it’s the only thing that will work– that he doesn’t believe these things he’s saying. That he wouldn’t put her through all that.

‘What do you expect me to do?’ he says, angrily. ‘You scratched an itch. That’s all. I’ll never leave her.’

Tears flow from Kaya’s eyes. She wants to lash out at him, to cause him as much pain as he is causing her, but she knows that everything he says is true. This can only end badly for Kaya. And she has nobody to blame but herself. Isn’t that all he was to her, too? A good fuck? Somebody who made her feel good?

Would she have ever looked at him if she’d been happy at home?

No. She wouldn’t have. It was the illicitness of it that appealed to her. The feeling she was doing something forbidden. It was never meant to be forever. She had known that, no matter the fairy tale she told herself.

‘What do you suggest I do?’ she says.

Her head is hanging low so she doesn’t see him come around the table and kneel in front of her. His expression is softer now. He tries to take her hands; she pulls them away.

‘You know what you have to do,’ he says. ‘Go home. Book an appointment. Get it sorted. Beg him for forgiveness. Tell him it was a stupid mistake. That’s if he even cares once the baby is gone. And if he’s still angry, leave him. Go stay with your parents. I can give you money to start again somewhere else. Things like this happen, Kaya. It doesn’t need to be a disaster. You don’t have to make it a disaster.’

He makes it all sound so easy. And it is. For him. No matter what happens, he’ll be okay, she thinks. This won’t ruin his life. Not like hers.

‘What if I don’t want to get rid of it?’ she says. ‘What if he forgives me and we raise your child as mine and his? Could you live with that? Could you live with seeing your son or daughter and them never knowing about you? That dry bitch is never going to give you a child. This is your last chance. You said you thought you’d end up divorcing her eventually. Take this. Take this moment.’

He stares at her stomach and for a moment, she thinks her words have landed, that somewhere deep inside, beneath his anger and resistance, he realises there’s an opportunity in front of him.

But then he looks up and she can see in his eyes that he has nothing but contempt for her.

‘I’d be very careful about what you do,’ he says. ‘You’re already afraid of Miika, Kaya. You’ve no idea what I could do to you. I might separate from my wife. But if I do, it will be because it’s my choice. Not because you forced it.’

He gets up off his knees then and glares down at her.

Kaya can’t meet his eyes.

His words, the way he’s staring at her.

She’s suddenly absolutely and utterly terrified.