Page 23 of The Lady of Red River Valley (Ladies of the Wilderness #2)

She was wrong. He had made a promise to his da that he would protect her, no matter the cost. But when the cost was too high, he had failed. “I could have kept trying to get her out, but I gave up. I failed both her and my da.”

Eleanor put her hand on the side of his face. It was cool and tender and filled with gentle compassion. “The fire was not your fault. It couldn’t have been helped. If you had kept trying, you might have been killed, as well.”

Arran placed his hand over hers. He didn’t know if what she said was true, but there had been a part of him, in the early days, that had wanted to die with his ma.

The guilt had been so intense, he thought he might.

“Two days later, I ran away and joined the North West Company as a clerk and that’s when I came to the Red River Valley.

” He lowered her hand away from his face, afraid that if she continued to caress his skin, he would lose all rational thought.

She undid his resolve in ways nothing else could.

He couldn’t risk tearing down the wall he had so carefully built where she was concerned.

It was easier to keep her at a safe distance.

“Does your father know where you are?” she asked.

“Aye. Three years later, I returned to face him and my brothers.” He shook his head. “I thought they would be as devastated and unhappy as I had been, but my da had already remarried and my brothers called the new woman ma.” It had felt like his mother had died all over again. “I havena gone back.”

“It seems you and I are both orphans, after a fashion.”

“So we are.”

“Now you know why I cannot return to England. There is nothing left for me, just as there is nothing left for you in Nova Scotia.” She whispered her next plea. “I want to stay here . . . with you.”

His heart felt as if it had been twisted in his chest. Her words were the words he had longed to hear almost four years ago, but they had come too late.

Arran tilted his head, his brows coming together in pain.

He wanted her to know how much he loved her—had always loved her—and how much he wished she could stay.

But he was terrified that he would fail her, as he had his mother.

It would destroy him to lose Eleanor the same way.

He gently entwined his fingers through hers and brought her hands up to kiss the delicate skin on the back. “Lass”—his voice was low and hoarse—“I canna let you stay, as much as I long for you.”

“Arran—”

“I care for you too much to watch you suffer.”

“But I’ve been here all winter, and the hardships have not broken me.”

“You dinna ken what’s coming.”

“Neither do you.”

“You’re wrong. Last spring, I watched as everyone I cared about was forced to flee for their lives, and I thanked God you were not here, suffering with them.

” She had never been far from his thoughts, then or now.

“I watched the homes we’d worked to build, and the crops we’d planted, burned and trampled before my very eyes.

” He pressed her palms to his chest, hoping she could feel the beating of his heart, to know it was pounding for her.

“It will be much worse this spring. There are many more Bois-Br?lés gathering at Qu’Appelle, and this time, I fear they will not stop until they’ve destroyed the entire settlement.

They will try to push out the colonists, using whatever means possible. ”

“But Lord Selkirk is on his way.”

“Aye, but I dinna ken when he’ll get here, nor how he’ll stop the attack. If the rumors are true, we will be fighting for our lives.”

“You sound as if you’re giving up even before the battle has started.”

Arran shook his head, wishing she understood—but how could she?

“The war began two years ago when Macdonell signed the Pemmican Proclamation, and each year, we’ve endured the battles that have been waged against our colony.

Each time, we rally, but it takes a great toll on our people and resources.

I believe we will win, but there will be a price to pay, and I don’t want it to be your life.

You need to leave before that happens.” Not only for her sake, but for the sake of his better judgment.

He could not protect the rest of the colony if he knew she was in danger.

He would sacrifice everything and everyone else for her. It wouldn’t be fair to the others.

Her eyes pleaded with him. “What if I wait until the trouble has died down, and then come back?”

Was she telling him she wanted to be with him, no matter the cost?

He longed to ask her but knew it wouldn’t change his decision.

A sad smile tilted his lips, and he ran his thumb over the curve of her cheek, amazed at how smooth and silky it felt against his work-worn hands.

“I wish I could tell you it will die down, but I canna. The fighting could last for years. I couldna ask you to waste the best years of your life waiting.” She was young and beautiful, and she deserved to be with a man who could give her the life she deserved.

Someone who could keep her safe and protected and offer her comfort and stability. “You should be living, not waiting.”

She leaned into his hand. “Then come back to England with me.”

For a heartbeat, he was tempted to say yes.

There was nothing he wanted more than to leave all his troubles and responsibilities behind, but wasn’t that the very thing that had led to his mother’s death?

Arran could never turn his back on Assiniboia and all the people who relied upon him, just for his own selfish desires.

“England is not my home, nor is Scotland,” he said, looking deep into her eyes.

“This is my home, and I promised Lord Selkirk I would fight until I dinna have a breath left in me. I know this land and the people who live here, so I have a unique insight into ensuring this colony survives. I have made a promise to the colonists, no matter how much I long to be with you, I canna leave them to fend for themselves. They don’t belong here anymore than you or me, and it’s just as dangerous for them, but my heart is not tied up in their welfare—not like it is with you, and now Miriam.

I could never respect myself if I left them defenseless, or if I encouraged you to stay and face the difficulties that lie ahead. ”

Something akin to anger sparked in her eyes. “You will not return to England with me—nor will you allow me to stay and fight with you.” She pulled back from his touch. “What if I choose not to leave?”

Fear gripped his heart at the thought. “I canna force you to leave—but Eleanor”—his voice was desperate—“I beg you to go. I ken the horrors of warfare. Bullets and cannon fire dinna care who you are.”

She closed her eyes, resignation in the lines of her mouth. “I would be a fool not to believe you or take your advice to heart.” She opened her eyes again, and there was a longing there he could not deny. “I just wish there was another way.”

So did he. With all his heart.