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24

HOWEVER YOU’LL HAVE ME

Amanda

I slide into my seat at the stadium shortly before the start of the game.

I had a couple of classes I didn’t want to miss this morning, and Jamie said that was fine—that he’d rather talk to me after the game when his focus can be solely on me and we can spend the rest of the night together.

That might’ve made me swoon a little. It was a glimpse of the boy I love. The one who has always fought for me.

And him sending a car to pick me up also made a huge difference. Five hours where I could relax and get some work done and not worry about dozing off was a breath of fresh air.

It takes a lot of effort not to gaslight myself into thinking I overreacted. That I should’ve been more patient, when the truth is we might not be here now if I hadn’t reacted how I did. I’m not naive enough to believe he’s magically doing better because I said I needed space, but I’m hoping it was a trigger to help him see how bad things were.

I can admit that I didn’t make that clear enough. I didn’t talk along the way. I didn’t try to find solutions. Either I tried to do everything for him or I blew up at him. My anger and hurt was warranted, but I could’ve handled it better.

From here, I want us both to handle it better.

He’s not on the field yet, and it’s killing me. I want to see him.

To entertain myself, I open my texts and scroll through our conversations this week. At first they were tentative. Then gentle. Then playful. Then flirtatious. We didn’t talk on the phone at all. We both agreed we’d feel too compelled to try apologizing or talking through things, and we want to do that in person.

I smile as I read the last text he sent me.

Baseball Boyfriend: I hope you know you’re mine for the night. Once I have you in my arms again, I’m not letting you go.

And ugh, swooning again.

I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. We need to talk. We can’t go right back into flirting and pretending things are fine. I’m cautiously optimistic, even if I’m not looking forward to going back to that damn apartment. It doesn’t feel like home, and it’s hard to be centered when you don’t feel comfortable in your surroundings.

The singer takes the field for the national anthem, and I stand with everyone else.

Finally, through the sea of people, I catch a glimpse of him, standing outside the dugout with his hat resting over his heart.

As I sit back down, I can’t take my eyes off Jamie. I’m waiting for him to look this way—for the moment, his eyes land on me.

He says something to one of his teammates as he puts his hat back on, then he jogs out to the mound.

When he gets there, he turns his head and searches for me.

I know the moment he spots me, and even across a stadium and from under his ball cap, I can feel his blue eyes burning into me.

This is us .

Not the frustrated, closed-off, not communicating bullshit we did all summer. This is us. Two people who can feel our connection across a baseball field.

I’m not getting ahead of myself. We have a lot to work through.

Screw it. I’m totally ahead of myself, just like I’m head over heels for him, and I have been for years now.

Seeing the cool confidence I’m used to when Jamie is pitching was an added boost of excitement tonight. Some of our best sex has been after games where he killed it.

Tonight wasn’t perfect, but it was much more in line with his typical pitching. Plus, they won the game. They’ve been on a hot streak leading to the playoffs, and there’s a good chance they’ll be either the first or second seed for their division, which puts their chances at making the playoffs high.

My stomach lurches as players stream out. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve seen each other, and more than a month since we saw each other in a happy place.

My body flushes when Jamie’s heated gaze lands on me. He walks right to me and sweeps me into his arms, picking me up and spinning me around.

He sets me down and brushes his thumb over my cheek, looking into my eyes.

“I missed you.”

I open my mouth to respond, but he steals my words as he slants his mouth over mine, swallowing the squeak of happiness I emit.

He doesn’t linger—which is good because there are reporters watching—but it’s enough to show me exactly how much he missed me.

“Ready to go?” he asks.

“Yes, please. ”

He takes my hand and leads me to the waiting car. Once we’re inside, he pulls me against him, holding me tightly. I rest my head on his shoulder and bask in the easy comfort that I’ve missed.

He’s quieter than I was expecting, his thumb rubbing up and down my arm as he holds me.

His breath hitches and his chest shakes, making me lift my head so I can look at him.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and sniffs.

“Sorry.”

I move closer, my achy heart clawing to reach his.

“It’s okay. I’m here. We’re together.”

He sniffs again, resting his head against mine and curling his fingers through my hair.

This isn’t what I was expecting. Maybe stupidly, I was expecting an immediate show. An immediate apology and for him to try to show me everything will be okay.

But outside of the last couple of months, that’s never been Jamie. When he sits in the quiet and recognizes the problem, he doesn’t use words to fix it, he uses action.

This tiny, quiet moment shows me more than any words could how sorry he is.

We hold each other, emotion swirling around us, for a bit longer, until the car pulls to the stop.

Jamie takes a big breath and wipes his eyes. “We’re here.”

My brow furrows. As nice as it was to get lost in that moment, I didn’t completely get lost. It hasn’t been anywhere near the length of time it takes for us to get to our apartment.

“Where are we?”

He opens the door and takes my hand. “Trust me?”

The sincerity and hope in his eyes undoes me.

My heart pounds harder, the truth sounding in every beat.

“Yes.”

I swear he breathes out a sigh of relief. “Come on.”

We get out of the car in front of a three-story building in a smaller, relaxed neighborhood. It’s more rustic than where our apartment is, but not run down.

“Seriously, where are we?” I ask again, but this time because I like it. It’s somewhere I could come and explore before Jamie’s games if it’s that close.

“Let me show you.”

He pulls out a key card that allows him inside the building, then gets out a regular key to unlock the next set of double doors.

He opens them, then leads me inside the warm, inviting space with old wood floors. There’s a security guard at a small desk who nods to Jamie.

Maybe this is some kind of vacation rental thing?

There’s also a little coffee station with a fancy coffee-espresso maker and a couple of tables with chairs.

Jamie pulls me past them to the elevator, across from which is a door with the number one on it.

We take the elevator up to the third floor and walk past a storage area to a door with the number three on it.

Jamie digs out yet another key, then opens the door, but before he lets me inside, he smiles and kisses my cheek.

I’m not sure what to expect when he pushes the door open. Low lighting, candles, and rose petals? A completely barren space with a blanket on the floor? A space that looks like a stock photo? But what I see is the last thing I was expecting.

I stop in my tracks and spin back to face him, seeing that hopeful hesitant look on his face again.

“What is this?”

“I might’ve stolen my own thunder since I already did this once this year… but this is ours. Our new apartment.”

Tears flood my eyes, and I have to blink them all away as I spin around and take it all in again. Our furniture is here. My favorite pillows and blankets from our apartment back home. Some of them, at least.

“How did you—when did you—are we going to move all this stuff back and forth between here and back home?”

He laughs at that very specific thought. “No. Because these are all new things. Same couch and pillows and blankets that match as best they can. I tried to recreate our home in Ida back here because I want this to be our home too. You deserve a safe space, and I’m sorry I didn’t give you that.” He blows out a shaky breath. “But until I was here, I didn’t realize how much I needed it too.”

I throw my arms around him. “Thank you. This means… so much,” I choke out.

He runs his fingers through my hair and hugs me tighter. “Do you want to see the rest of it?”

“Yes. Yes, please. Show me everything.” Tell me everything.

Again, he takes my hand. The kitchen and living room are completely open to each other. There’s no specific dining space, but there’s room for a small table at the far end of the living room. The wood colors and rustic feel are similar to the ones at our apartment back home, but not manufactured to be that way—it’s like they grew like this. Everything is seamless, homey, lived-in—in the best ways.

“There are a couple of downsides. There’s only one full bath and the spare room is small, but I don’t care. I’ll pay to put our friends up at a good hotel when they visit.”

“I don’t care. This is perfect. My soul feels happy here.”

“And you haven’t seen the best part yet.”

He opens the door to the spare room, and my eyes light up. Much like the one back home, it’s like my own personal cozy nook. A little smaller, which actually makes me like it even more.

“Come here. There’s something I want to show you.”

I follow him inside and quickly notice the three bulletin boards hanging above the desk.

“Three?”

“You’re always working on multiple things at once. Each thing should have its own space.”

Any residual anger I was holding on to fades. This is the boy I fell in love with. Not because of the big things like an apartment, but because of tiny things like knowing I need multiple bulletin boards. The way he sees me.

I stop at the shelf on the other side of my desk where two photo frames and two bears sit—both new.

In one of the frames is a picture of me with my parents and my brothers at Disney World when I was around twelve. In the other is a picture of Jamie and me at Rae and Aaron’s wedding. We’re holding each other close, staring into each other’s eyes as we dance. It was a candid moment the photographer caught, and it’s the physical display of our love. In between the two frames are the bears. One is a cute little tan one with a white shirt on it that says “Ida, NY” with logos of a bunch of businesses on it. It’s something they did for charity earlier this year. The other bear is bigger and is holding a plastic frame of me with the hive mind at the lake house after a water gun fight.

“So you’ll always have the most important people close by, even when they’re not right here.”

I turn to him, already sniffling.

He watches me for a moment, like he can’t believe I’m really standing here, then he smiles and picks up two small whiteboards and hands them to me.

“What are these for?”

“They’re our communication boards. You were right that I wasn’t seeing you, because I wasn’t listening to you. There’s a bigger one in the kitchen, and when we’re in the same place, we can both write down any big feelings or struggles we’re having throughout the day, and after dinner—or a game, whatever—we can sit down and talk about what we wrote. If we haven’t already. And when we’re apart, we’ll each have one of these. We’ll write what we’re feeling or struggling with and show each other when we talk via video call. Accountability is important, and I wasn’t being accountable to our relationship.”

Fudge.

Tears stream down my cheeks. This is… exactly what I need. What we need .

“I’m not sure I was either. I was in fix-it mode. Trying to keep you happy.”

He nods. “I shouldn’t have put that on you. But also, I don’t want you to take that on. Please, don’t ever enable my bullshit to keep the peace. All it does is destroy your peace.” His voice breaks. “I’m sorry I was complicit in that. You deserve so much better than what you got from me this summer, and I’ll do everything I can now to make it better. To heal us.”

I fight back a sob and collapse against his chest. “Thank you for this. I needed this. I needed you.”

“I know you did. I’m so sorry. And to that end, um, if you want to, I’m open to going to counseling together to keep working through what happened and to figure out how to make our relationship stronger going forward.”

I pull back and look up at his glassy eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah. I can’t take full credit for that idea. My mom brought it up and talked about how fundamentally it changed her and my dad’s relationship for the better and made them stronger. So many people see it as a last resort, but when you’re going through hard things or big transitions, it’s a way to stabilize and strengthen a relationship. That’s what I want. For us to be rock solid.”

“Me too. And yes. I think that’s a good idea. But maybe after your season is done. We could find someone in Old Lake Town. If you’re willing to come share a crappy full-size bed with me in a house with six of our best friends.”

He laughs, then softly brushes his lips over mine. “I will go wherever you are. I don’t care how tiny the bed is as long as my arms are around you.” He cradles my face in his big hands, thumbs on the sides of my cheeks. “I am so deeply sorry for the ways I’ve hurt you. You’ve always asked me to prove things to you. To show you. But sometimes, I think you need to hear the words too. Because you didn’t hear them enough from the people in your life before.

“I love you, and I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I need you. I need you like I need air to breathe. Not because you make me comfortable. Not because you make me whole. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. You’re pure magic, Amanda. Being the one who stands by your side is the best position I’ve ever played. And you and me? That’s the most important team I’ve ever been a part of. The only future I care about is the one with you in it. I could live a thousand lives, achieve a thousand dreams, but they’d all be empty without you. Baseball was my first love, but you’re the love of my life. I can only live without one of those things. I need you, Mands. I love you. I’m sorry I haven’t been the man you’ve deserved lately, but I’m working hard to fix that, and if you let me have this chance, I promise you I’ll never stop.”

I fully break down. Tears pouring out of my eyes, chest shaking, snot bubbles coming out of my nose. It’s not sexy, but it’s real. It’s raw. It’s as honest as the words he just said, and for once, I don’t feel a need to question them. I don’t need him to prove it. I know they’re true because I feel them in my heart.

“I love you too. I’m sorry I didn’t open up to you the way I should have. I was so afraid of being hurt—of losing you?—”

“You will never lose me. I’m yours. Forever. You’re mine. Got it?”

I nod, and he lifts me into his arms, capturing my lips in a bruising kiss.

I wrap my arms and legs around him, holding on tightly as he carries me out of the room.

“There’s one room we haven’t seen yet,” he mutters against my lips.

My core heats, desire pouring through me and mixing with the intense emotions.

He carries me into our bedroom, and again, I’m hit with the overwhelming sense of home. He’s taken a few of the wall hangings from our apartment back home and hung them up in here.

“What do you think?”

As he sets me down, I spin around and take it all in. There’s a half-bath attached and a big window that looks out on the street .

“I’m just wondering how comfortable the mattress is.”

He wraps his arms around me, hands firmly gripping my ass. “You want to find out?”

I sigh happily. “I want you. However you’ll have me.”

He stares at me for a moment, emotion flitting through his eyes, then his lips are on mine again, and it wouldn’t matter where I am, I’m home. As long as I have his heart and he has mine, I always will be.

Jamie

Fuck, Amanda is stunning. She’s beautiful, no matter how she looks or feels. But seeing her naked, splayed out on this brand-new bed, finally looking peaceful again—she’s never been more gorgeous.

As much as I want to take her hard and fast, we’ve been apart too long, and I want to savor this. Part of showing her how much I care is giving her multiple incredible orgasms, right?

I’m so thankful she loved this apartment, but more thankful that she is who she is. That she’s so deeply loving and forgiving. I’ll spend every second of my life honoring that. She deserves nothing less. After tonight, I know we’ll not only get back on track, but on a path to being even better than we were before.

For now, though, we both need the physical connection, and I’m in the mood to play, be a little rough, and make her scream.

Kneeling between her legs, I grab her thighs and haul her glistening pussy to my mouth.

She groans and fists the sheets. She’s always liked it a little rough. I’ll never forget the time she came just from how hard I fucked her mouth.

Ugh. I have to get control of myself or I’ll be the one coming without a touch.

I lap at her clit with my tongue, not making any effort to go slow.

“Fuck, Jamie,” she whines. I love when she whines my name.

She rolls her hips, crying out in desperation.

I keep going until her body starts to go slack, then I pull my mouth away.

She lets out a frustrated whimper.

“Are you edging me?”

I fight back a laugh at her exasperated expression, then kiss her nose while I slip two fingers inside her.

“So what if I am?”

She groans again, wiggling her hips as she tries to get some friction for her clit, but I don’t let her have any.

“We’ve been apart three weeks. Isn’t that enough edging?”

I softly kiss her lips. “You’re so cute.”

I move my fingers faster until she’s writhing under my touch. Then I pull them out.

“I’m seriously going to cry,” she complains.

I suck on her neck and play with her nipples as I reach my other hand to the bedside table and pull out one of the new toys I bought. It’s a simple vibrator, but supposedly the perfect combination of gentle and powerful.

Laying behind her, I turn the vibrator on and tease her nipples with it, then lower it down to her clit.

Her fingers tangle in my hair as she rides the vibrator, and it’s so sexy I almost let her come.

But not yet.

“Jamie, please,” she groans when I pull the vibrator away.

“Please what, baby?”

“Let me come.”

Tears form in the corners of her eyes, and that’s exactly where I want her. I want it so explosive she can’t talk or think or breathe.

Settling between her legs again, I stroke her clit with my fingers, then push them inside her again. With my other hand, I lower the vibrator over her clit.

“Oh, oh fuck. ”

She whines and whimpers, her head thrown back as she fists the sheets. She’s shameless as she rides the vibrator and my hand.

All her muscles are tight, her toes digging into the sheets.

“Please,” she chants. “Please, please, let me come. I’m a good girl. I’ll be such a good girl. I’ll scream your name. I’ll—I’ll—please! Oh my god.”

She explodes like fireworks, body spasming and shaking as she screams my name. Her orgasm comes in long drawn-out waves, and her clit is so over-stimulated that every time she thinks she’s done, another one hits.

She’s crying when she’s finally finished—tears of relief and happiness.

Tossing the vibrator to the side, I roll her onto her stomach, wrap my hand in her hair, and thrust into her as hard as I can.

“Yes,” she grunts, face buried in the pillows.

I use her hair to yank her back. “What was that? You like being fucked like a dirty slut?”

“Yes. Harder. Please.”

Slipping my other hand between her legs, I rub her swollen clit, and she whimpers again.

“You have another orgasm for me?”

“Yes. Please. I need it.”

“Look at you using your manners.”

She makes a nonsensical noise, and it spurs me on, working her clit as I fuck her into the mattress, hoping I can last long enough for her to come again.

When she cries out, I have to take a breath. She’s close, but so am I.

“Are you going to come for me, baby?”

“Yes…”

Hold on. Just a little longer.

Pulling tighter on her hair, I thrust harder, and that sends her over the edge. Her hands clench the sheets as she milks my cock.

“Come with me,” she moans. “Fill my pussy. Show me I’m yours. ”

“Fuck,” I groan. My orgasm tears through me, ripping the breath from my lungs.

I collapse beside her on the bed, wrapping my arms around her from behind, but she rolls over and wraps her body around mine, grabbing my face and kissing me deeply with all the love that’s been burning inside us with nowhere to go these last few weeks.

We hold each other tightly, lost in the depths of our love. Everything else slips away. There’s only her and me. Nothing else. The rest of the world could be burning and I wouldn’t know. She’s all I need. All I care about.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes with her, and I know I’ll make more, but I refuse to ever fail her so badly again.

I’ll protect her heart and the love between us with everything I have for as long as she’ll let me.

Amanda’s stomach rumbles loudly, and I laugh, pausing midway through braiding her hair.

“Is my girl hungry?”

“Mm maybe.” She buries her face in my chest. “I don’t want to get up.”

After our first round of sex, we got lost kissing, then ate nachos in bed and had one more round of sex before falling asleep in total bliss.

“I hear there’s a place a couple of blocks over with great breakfast sandwiches.”

She perks up a little, then looks around the room.

“Wait. How did you find this place? And when? And how’d you move everything in here?”

Right. That.

While we’ve talked plenty about us, caught up on more of how we were both feeling—and struggling—over the summer, and what we missed over the last few weeks, that topic didn’t come up.

“Honestly, I got really lucky. My original plan was to have a bunch of apartment listings to look through and maybe go see this weekend because this plan only started taking shape on Sunday.”

“Sunday? Do you have some kind of time magic?”

I laugh at that. “No. But we have some good friends. I sent texts out to everyone I could think of to see if they had any connections or knew of anywhere that might be more our style. Mark Abbott was the first person to respond. It turns out his girlfriend Frannie’s family owns this building and her sister lives in the apartment below us. I saw it on Monday afternoon right before the game and knew it was right. Then I called in every favor I could think of. Dani found similar or exact matches to the key things I wanted at places near here and made sure I could get them all here by today. Mark, some of his football friends, and a few of the guys from the Metros helped with moving stuff in and setting up. Then Dani made a trip down yesterday to help with all the details. I offered to pay her, but all she wanted was snack money so she could order as much food as possible at Mark’s game last night.”

“Wow,” she breathes.

“What are you thinking?”

“How grateful I am. How much I missed this. Not being spoiled, but feeling… cherished. And having a home. That made the summer so much harder.”

“I know this season is almost over, but I want to be prepared for next season. Plus, I was thinking we should come down here when the fall semester is over and spend a week enjoying the magic of Christmas in the city.”

“I love the sound of that.” She sits up suddenly, eyes drifting out the window. “I’m ready to go explore.”

She bounces out of bed, a huge smile on her face, and it’s such a contrast to our anniversary a month ago. She didn’t want to go out because she was too overwhelmed and didn’t like the area. Now she’s in her element. So am I. We’re both right where we’re supposed to be.

We spent the summer barely surviving. Now it’s time for us to thrive again.

I follow her into the bathroom, heart full and ready to live my best life with the girl who is more than any dream I ever could’ve imagined.