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HOT MESS EXPRESS

Amanda

Everyone out of my way. Hot mess express coming through.

The last thing I want is to be late today, but of course the weather is extra weathery as I make my way across campus, dodging ice patches and snow mounds.

I don’t want to be late for a meeting with my potential new suitemates. We live in the same dorm and I’ve seen them around. They always seem friendly and kind. I need more of that in my life. I’ve exchanged a few texts with one of the girls—Rae. She and her friends are looking for a new suitemate because their current roommate is very introverted and managed to get a solo suite. Good for her because everyone should be able to have a space where they feel safe and comfortable. Good for me because that means I can get away from the roommate from hell, who constantly locks me out because she’s always hooking up or having friends over and I’m not welcome. She’s never even tried to be friends with me.

Whatever.

But these girls seem open and friendly, and I’m hopeful. I’m a social person. I love making friends, but unfortunately, I’m kind of shit at it. They never seem to stick or I end up with acquaintances who don’t actually seem to like me that much. Am I the problem? The common denominator?

Nope. I have no mental energy for emotional baggage today, so let’s pack that shit up and send it on a one-way trip to Antarctica.

I sigh in relief and pick up my pace when the dorm comes into view. I might actually be on time.

But the moment I think the words, the universe hears them, and it takes less than one second for me to realize what I just stepped on is ice and another second for me to end up on my ass.

I grumble as I carefully stand, trying to retain some dignity.

This is not a sign for how this meeting is going to go. It’s just not.

Be positive.

I inhale deeply and exhale fully.

This is fine.

Until I take another step and almost fall on my ass again.

Motherfucker.

Another deep breath, then taking painfully slow penguin steps, I make my way back to the dorm. Once I’m inside, I haul ass up the stairs to their floor, not wanting to wait for the slow-ass elevator. I only calm my shit for two seconds when I get to their floor so I can check my phone. There’s a message from Rae.

Rae: Door is unlocked so you can come on in :)

Blowing out a breath, I get going again, not quite running, but definitely fast walking all the way to their room as I go over my checklist in my head.

I will be friendly but not over the top.

I will pay close attention to the vibes.

I won’t act desperate.

I take a deep inhale as I get to the door .

I’ll be myself.

I swing it open, starting with an apology the second I’m inside.

“Sorry I’m late!” I unzip my coat as I walk into the room. “That snow is terrible, and I almost fell on ice three times! I should’ve taken the tunnels.”

Technically, SUNY Finger Lakes has underground tunnels, but not every building connects to them and sometimes they’re more of a pain in the ass than they’re worth, but given the actual pain in my ass right now… I should’ve used them today.

I look over at the three girls on the couch. Rae is the one with long-ish brown hair, then there’s an adorable blonde who also looks like she could sucker punch you where it hurts, and a taller athletic built one with short, messy brown curls.

“Hey, no problem. Come sit. We have brownies,” the blonde one says.

I drop my bag, toe off my shoes, and hurry around the couch to sit down because brownies? Yes, please. Especially with this God forsaken day.

Grabbing one of the brownies, I take a big bite. And oh my god . It’s delicious. Possibly the best brownie I’ve ever eaten in my life—and I have high standards.

“This is so good. I’m seriously ready to pay you to let me live here.”

Great job not sounding desperate.

Ugh.

But they all laugh.

“Well, before you get too excited, you should know our story,” the one with the curly hair says.

My eyebrows shoot up, but really, I’m not that worried. The vibe here is low-key and upbeat. So I playfully ask, “Are you, like, murderers or in witness protection or something?”

“Not quite,” Rae says with a sweet smile. “But we are best friends. Well, actually, let’s go back a step. I’m Rae.” She points to the blonde. “That’s Sarah. And that’s Mackie. Mackie and I have been friends since we were four. Sarah is my adoptive sister and my other half. And we’re sort of a package deal because we come with three boys who live down the hall. We’ve all been best friends since we were kids, and we spend most of our time together. We’re a lot and we know that. We want you to be prepared.”

So far, I’m struggling to see the problem. Brownies, friendly girls, and maybe some cute boys? Sign me up.

“And are these boys hot?”

Again, they all laugh.

“Definitely,” Mackie says, though that surprises me a little—or maybe my gaydar is broken—but I had her pinned as a lesbian. Maybe she’s bi. Maybe I’m crazy. Whatever. Topic at hand.

“And are any of them taken?” I ask, mostly because I never want to make the mistake of playing with someone else’s toys, but also because who knows? Maybe I’ll magically meet my soulmate.

Mackie and Sarah both look at Rae.

“Thanks for that,” she mutters.

“Ooh. I’m sensing drama.”

“It’s not that fun, but yeah. Technically , he’s not taken, but if you want to live with me, I’d recommend you not go after Aaron,” Rae says, and it’s impossible not to notice the flash of pain in her eyes. It makes me want to hug her, but I’m not sure if she’s a hugger, and even if she is, we’ve known each other for less than ten minutes.

“He’s her person. Her best friend. Also her ex,” Mackie says.

“And they’re still madly in love,” Sarah adds.

I nod because Rae seems to want to move on. “Aaron’s off limits. The other two?”

“If you’re in for a one-time hookup, there’s Miles. Tall, swoopy dark hair. Joel is more of a short-term girlfriend kinda guy, but I doubt he’s your type.” I don’t miss the way Sarah’s voice catches on Joel’s name. I definitely won’t be messing around with him, either. “Don’t worry, we’ve got more hot guys where they come from, too. Well, if you don’t mind going back to Ida.”

My eyes fly wide. “You’re from Ida? No way! I’m from Woods Junction!”

My hometown of Woods Junction, New York is a fairly tiny town not far from the Pennsylvania border. It’s only about twenty minutes away from Ida. Now I’m meeting these girls here, three hours away, in Old Lake Town.

We all look around at each other. “I think it’s fate,” I whisper.

Seriously, doing a fantastic job of not coming off as desperate.

“As long as you don’t mind our brand of crazy and trying to jump into a group of six best friends with a steep learning curve,” Mackie says with a slightly devilish smile.

Okay, maybe I’m not being desperate.

I’m not , I tell myself.

I’m being me. So I continue that trend.

With a soft smile, I say the truth. “I’m outgoing, and I love being around people, but I had a hard time connecting with people in high school and was kind of a loner besides my best friend, Jace. She’s two years older and has a complicated past with my brother, so I don’t get to see her as much as I like. I’ve always wanted a big group of friends. Maybe I can co-opt yours.”

Rae’s smile grows. “I can’t lie. It usually works out pretty well for us when we add a new friend. Been a while, but I think you might be a good fit.”

I grab another brownie. “For these brownies, I’ll contort myself into whatever shape I need to fit into. But this little friend group sounds amazing too.”

“So what’s your story?” Sarah asks. “How’d you end up at SUNY FL?”

“Oh, and what kind of horror story roommate situation are you trying to escape?” Mackie asks.

“My roommate horror story is a classic. She thinks the room belongs to her and her hookups and loves to lock me out.”

“Ew,” Sarah says.

“Yeah, I don’t love it.”

“Well, I promise I’m not like that,” Mackie says. “You’ll be rooming with me, and I’m usually the most laid-back of the bunch.” She cups her hand around her mouth and loudly whispers, “The rest of them are very dramatic.”

Rae reaches over and smacks her thigh as Mackie laughs.

“Oh, and by the way, my full name is Mackenzie. They just decided my name was Mackie when we were four, and it stuck. My mom always calls me by my full name. My dad and my girlfriend both call me Kenz.”

“Girlfriend?” I ask.

“Yeah. I don’t love labels, but I’m a lesbian. Even though it’s not a big deal to me and shouldn’t be a big deal, I usually throw that in early because?—”

“Then the trash takes itself out?” I ask.

Mackie looks relieved. “Yes.”

“Well, no worries here. I’m bi. And I get exactly what you mean. I finally taught myself to stop saying ‘I hope that’s not a problem’ because fuck anyone who thinks it is.”

“I’m here for that energy,” Rae says.

“Same,” Sarah says.

“So, Mackie-Mackenzie-Kenz, do you have a preference for what I call you?”

She shrugs. “I’ll answer to just about anything.”

I arch a brow. “So, what you’re saying is I should come up with a ridiculous nickname for you and see if you’ll answer to it?”

She laughs. “Sure. Why not?”

Her eyes dance with mischief. She seems to be the most playful of the three. They’re all upbeat and fun, but it’s obvious Rae wears her emotions on her sleeve. And there’s something haunted in Sarah’s eyes. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. But I’m usually good at picking up on things like that.

“Well, I’ll be working on nickname ideas over break.”

“Hit me with your best shot,” Mackie says with a wink.

Sarah laughs and shakes her head. “You two are definitely a good match.”

“Fate,” Rae whispers dramatically. And there’s something in her voice that tells me she truly believes that. I’m cautiously optimistic that not only did I just find some new roommates for next semester but also some new friends.

We’re over an hour into a conversation about their wild friend group, how I ended up at SUNY FL, and what we’re all studying, when the door to their room swings open and a band of boys walks in.

I’m pretty sure they said only three go here with them, but there’s a fourth with them. I take a shot guessing which is which. Aaron is the easiest because of how he looks at Rae. Based on the physical descriptions they gave me, I figure out the other two fairly quickly as well. Then they introduce the fourth guy—Trevor—a friend from Ida, who then announces he brought a special present. And in walks Mackenzie’s girlfriend, Hyla. It’s a lot of people and big personalities, but I love being lost in it all.

As someone who often feels like I’m too big or too much, it’s comforting being surrounded by people with similarly big energy.

Then Mackie and Hyla disappear to Mackie’s room and Sarah and Rae suggest we make ourselves scarce.

We end up back in the boys’ room, where there’s barely enough seats for all of us.

“I think this calls for a weekend at the lake house,” Joel says.

My eyes flit to Rae. “Lake house?”

“Yeah. Joel’s dad has a lake house off campus. We hang out there on weekends sometimes. In case you were still wondering whether or not to be our roommate.”

“I think that was already decided.” I don’t want them for their stuff. I want them for their friendship.

“How about a crash course in this crazy group of ours?” Sarah asks. “Up for a weekend of shenanigans?”

A weekend with all of them together in a house will either send me running in the opposite direction or indoctrinate me into this crazy hive mind. I really, really hope it’s the latter. Only one way to find out.

I grin up at her. “Count me in.”

I’ve officially been inducted into the hive mind.

The weekend at the lake house was a ridiculous amount of fun, and I was surprised to find myself bonding with not only the girls, but the guys too. They all seem funny and kind with varying levels of sarcastic streaks—which are important for me as someone who speaks fluent sass and snark.

I feel at home with this little group. They’re my kind of chaos. Wild and sarcastic, but with a warmth beneath it all.

The only downside of the weekend was that I didn’t get to bond with Mackenzie as much as I hoped, but I’m sure if I were in a long-distance relationship and finally got to see the person I love, I’d want to spend as much time as possible with them too.

Other than that, the girls have worked hard to include me as much as possible. They’ve already invited me to eat lunch with them and added me to their girl gang group chat. The girls even said that if I can deal with all their shenanigans, I could live at the lake house with them when they all move in their junior year, but I’m not going to hold my breath. I love that they want to include me and welcome me into the group, but I’m going to give it more than two days before I accept an invitation to live in the lake house with them in a year and a half. I want to make sure this sticks.

As we walk into our dorm, all laughing and chattering, disappointment washes over me. This weekend has been fun, but now I have to get back to reality. A roommate who wants nothing to do with me and treats me like an inconvenience. Who knows what will happen with this little group when the bubble of this weekend pops? I hope the friendship will stick. I hope living with them next semester will be great, but it’s hard to trust it’ll be as great as this weekend was. That they’ll still seek me out in the next few weeks before I move in.

“I guess I better head to my room and see what hell awaits me.” I put my playfully sarcastic mask on to hide the melancholy I’m feeling.

“We’ll walk with you,” Rae says.

I stop and blink at them a few times. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course,” Mackie says.

“That way we can make sure your roommate isn’t mean to you. If she is, we’ll fight her.” Sarah smiles at me, eyes dancing.

I’m fine. This is fine.

Why is it that people being nice to me and actively choosing to support me makes me want to cry?

Probably a great question for a therapist.

Deep breath in. Push it all down.

“Sounds good.”

I lead the way to my room, but when we get there, I’m unsurprised to find the door is locked. Not the handle lock that I have a key for, but the flip lock, so I can’t get in.

“Seriously?” Rae asks. “This is what she does?”

“Yeah. Usually it’s during the day, but there have been a few nights where I’ve slept in the study room downstairs.”

“Fuck that,” Sarah says, banging on the door.

“Go away! I’m busy,” my lovely roommate calls.

“You know what? Screw this. Come back to our room,” Mackie says.

“I—are you sure?”

“Soon it’ll be your room too. And the couches are super comfy.” Rae’s smile makes me smile too.

“What about your roommate?”

“We’ve tried hard to include her, but she’s overwhelmed, and we respect that. She prefers to be in the bedroom and have her space, so I try to give that to her. As long as you aren’t in her space, she won’t care,” Mackie says. “Plus, I’ve been a shitty friend this weekend because I was a little obsessed with Hyla, and I’d love to spend some time with you. So, please?” She gives me big puppy dog eyes.

“Okay. Yeah. That sounds so much better than fighting with my roommate all night.”

Rae throws her hand up victoriously. “Yes!”

With that, we all head back up to their room.

Once they’ve all unpacked and I’ve made a bed for myself on one of the couches, Mackie joins me on the other one with a blanket.

“Thanks for including me this weekend,” I say quietly.

“Of course. You’re one of us now.”

All I can do is nod at that.

Mackie elbows me. “Assuming you want to be.”

“I do. I’m just not used to it.” Having people actively choose me isn’t something I used to.

“Not used to people being friendly?” she asks.

I scrunch up my face, not sure of how to answer, which makes her brow furrow.

“Okay, who hurt you? Who made you feel like you don’t deserve this kind of friendship?”

“My ex—” Whoa . Emotion bubbles in my chest and my eyes sting. No . Nope. Not going down that road. Not yet. Instead, I clear my throat and go for a slight twist of the truth. “My ex best friend cut me out and took our other two friends with her.”

Mackie shifts closer and pulls the blanket over me too. “I’m so sorry. That’s awful. Just know we’re not like that. If anything, we hold on too tightly. I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re a little crazy.”

I chuckle at that, feeling a little lighter. “I’ve noticed, but I think you’re my kind of crazy.”

“Good. Want to watch something?”

“ Gilmore Girls ?”

“You really are one of us.”

Mackie puts it on, then we fall into an easy conversation. She tells me about her massive blended family and the bakery her mom owns, and I tell her about my two stinky brothers.

Rae comes out of the bathroom where she was showering and sees what we’re watching.

“Ooh, Gilmore Girls . Perfect way to end the weekend. Sarah!” she calls.

Sarah strolls out and sees the TV too.

“Girl time?” Rae asks.

“Definitely.”

“Sweet. I’ll make popcorn.” Rae goes to the kitchenette while Sarah joins us on the couch, cuddling up next to Mackie under the blanket.

Here I was thinking the bubble of the weekend would pop, but it’s only getting bigger. It’s a stupid analogy, but the point remains… they’re not letting me go.

Rae plops down on the other side of me and sets the bowl of popcorn in my lap.

They’re holding on to me. Choosing me. I try to tamp down my emotions at feeling so accepted. It’s what I crave. Praise. Knowing I’m accepted or wanted. I need that from people, and even from those I love, I rarely get it. To have it now has me feeling all the things.

I’m not doing a good job hiding my feelings, though, because all it takes is one glance from Rae for her to ask if I’m okay.

“Yeah. Mostly. I don’t know.”

She elbows me gently. “If we’re being too pushy about all this, you can tell us.”

Her words only make my emotions swell more. It never crossed my mind that she’d think that—that their friendship was too much for me.

“No,” I say quickly. “I love the way you’ve all included me. But it’s hard to truly accept it. I’m scared of getting too used to it and then losing it one day.”

“Why would you lose it?” Rae asks.

Mackie jumps in before I can. “Amanda had a bad experience in the past. Her ex best friend ditched her and her other friends went along with it.”

“Oh, Mands…” Rae throws her arms around me in a tight mama bear hug. “We already love you. And when we say we don’t let go of people, we mean it. We fight. We call each other on our shit. We open our hearts and we work through the hard stuff. And we do all that because we know the power and importance of friendship. It hasn’t been long, but that doesn’t matter.”

“She’s right. People can fall in love in a day. Friendships can be formed just as quickly, and when you’re willing to open up to each other and put in the work, those roots can grow deep quickly as well.” Sarah reaches over and squeezes my arm.

“We’re here for you, and that’s not going to change.” Mackie wraps her arm around my back. “Let us love you.”

I take a steadying breath, sinking into the comfort of their friendship—the way they love. It’s the way I’ve always tried to love people and how I’ve always tried to form friendships, but it never felt like I was enough for anyone—or maybe I was too much. I always blame myself. Always think I’m the problem.

Maybe I’m not the problem. Maybe I just hadn’t found my people yet.

Rae rests her head on my shoulder. “It’s okay if it takes a little while to sink in. Until then, we’ll be watching Gilmore Girls , eating snacks, and showering you with love.”

“All of that,” Sarah says, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

“Told you,” Mackie whispers, a sweet smirk on her face.

I let out a long breath and relax against the couch. “Thank you.”

But their answering smiles tell me no thanks is needed.

We settle in, all nestled under the same blanket as we munch on popcorn, watch the show, and talk here and there. Again, I have to fight the urge to cry. After months of feeling out of place on campus and years of feeling like I don’t fit at all, in a strange twist of fate and only a few days of my life, I think I’ve found my tribe.