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Two steps and she’s in my arms. Without pause, I pick her up and carry her out of Fi’s room and into hers, stopping only when we reach the bed. She’s stiff as I sit with her in my lap. But it doesn’t stop me from kissing her lips, her check, any spot I can get. “I’m sorry, Ivy. I panicked, and if I could go back and change that, I would.”
She’s shaking, her body against mine, leaning a little but not yielding. “You ran away from me.”
My fingers thread into her hair, and I hold her steady as I meet her eyes. “I ran away from myself. Shit. Ivy, you’re right. I freaked out. Since my mom…I haven’t wanted to care about anything. Live day-to-day, enjoy the moment, nothing deep. The funny thing is, Ivy, falling in love with you was as easy as breathing. The best time of my life.”
“Then why—”
“It’s easy to love you, but it scares the shit out of me.” Our foreheads touch, and I close my eyes. “I felt that lump, and it was my mom dying all over again. It hit me. I can’t lose you. Not you. So, yeah, I panicked. Because I… If you…”
Terror tries to rush over me again. I don’t know what to do with it. Nothing scares me on the field. Not a three-hundred-pound lineman, not the possibility of getting hit so hard that my neck might break. But this? I struggle to breathe.
Until she touches my cheek. Her dark eyes meet mine, and all I can think is home.
“Hey,” she says softly. “I can see you’re freaking out again, but it’s okay.”
“It’s not.” I shake my head. “I hurt you.”
And then she smiles. Nothing in the world affects me like her smile. I can only stare, my heart pounding, my breathing still off.
“I’m not hurting anymore, Cupcake.”
I kiss her. Soft. Reverent. She’s everything. My world. My happiness. My hand slides beneath her gaping robe to cup her warm breast. The tips of my fingers glide over her skin, careful not to hurt her. “And you’re…?” I can’t finish.
Ivy cups my hand, pressing it to her flesh. “It’s fine. Not cancer, I swear.” But her expression suddenly fills with fear, and she moves off me. With agitated breaths, she paces in front of the bed, her hands shaking.
“What’s wrong?” My lips are stiff, my heart pounding, but I’m not running this time. “Tell me.”
“The thing is, Gray…” She takes a deep breath. “It’s not cancer, but— Fuck.”
“Mac!”
She stops in front of me and grips her hands until her knuckles turn white, and I’m rooted to the stop.
“You’re scaring the hell out of me, honey.” My voice is a rasp in the tense quiet. “Whatever it is I’m—”
“It was hormones. The lump.” She waves a hand, kind of flailing around. “I have fibrous breasts, which really just means that hormones can cause non-cancerous lumps. Such as excess hormones due to…shit. Shit.”
I find my feet and stand, reaching for her.
Mac’s eyes fill. “I’m pregnant.”
A whoosh of sound fills my ears and everything goes still, heavy. Numb.
Mac curses, takes a step, then stops and steps the other way as if she doesn’t know where to go but just wants to escape. I have to move. To talk. But I’m frozen and the ringing in my ears grows. From a distance, I hear myself speak. “Pregnant?”
“Yes.” She clears her throat. “It’s early. So early, I wouldn’t have noticed yet, except they took some tests. I… It’s all my fault.” Blinking fiercely, she looks down at her toes.
I find myself smiling, though it feels wobbly and uncomfortable, because my heart has decided to race and my fingers are cold. “Pretty sure this is a fifty-fifty kind of culpability deal here, honey.”
Her head snaps up and she looks lost, her eyes round and scared. “Yeah, but I didn’t… I was so stupid. I forgot about the whole antibiotics-weakens-the-effectiveness-of-the-pill thing. Talk about hubris. My sixteen-year-old self was more informed. But no, I take one look at your dick and become a moron.”
If it were any other time, I’d laugh at that. I’m certainly just as susceptible to her charms. But I need to calm her down now. “Well, I didn’t even know that was an issue.” I make another attempt at a smile. “Condom man, here.”
She snorts and then bursts into tears.
“Hey,” I whisper, pulling her close. “Hey, now. Don’t cry.”
Mac just sobs harder as I lead her to the bed. I curl up with her at the head of it and hug her close. Christ, I left her to deal with this alone. I can barely think right now, and she’s been carrying this knowledge around. Alone.
Wincing, I burrow my face into her fragrant hair, not knowing how to apologize enough. But somehow she’s the one apologizing.
“I’m sorry, Gray. I’m such an idiot. You trusted me and—”
“Ivy Mac, if you say another word of apology, I’m going to be pissed.”
Her hand clutches my neck as she half-laughs, half-sobs. I kiss her temple, rub her shaking back. “Now calm down. Breathe. Again. You can do better than that, Special Sauce. Deep breaths.”
“Okay.” It’s a pathetic whimper of a response, but she’s calming. Her wet cheeks press against my heart, and I close my eyes and keep stroking her.
I hold her until she settles and becomes soft and relaxed against me, and I realize that, despite all the thoughts racing through my mind, the one thing I’m not doing is freaking out.