Page 37 of The Forbidden Love of an Officer (The Marlow Family #7)

The maid the lieutenant colonel had employed stood before Ellen, holding the chamber pot Ellen had recently vomited into. ‘But you have been sick almost every morning, ma’am,’ she argued against Ellen’s protests that it was grief making her ill. ‘It is not normal. When did your last bleed come?’

Three weeks had passed since the Battle of Waterloo. Ellen tried to remember, but she had not been able to think properly since Paul’s death.

She could not remember. She had been sick a few mornings in the last week of Paul’s life too. Before then… Whenever she thought of Paul, an overwhelming pain absorbed her heart and a burning emptiness opened a chasm in her chest.

It was possibly two months since she had bled…

She looked at the woman with bewilderment. Megan had asked a few moments ago, ‘Are you with child?’

‘Shall I send for a doctor, ma’am?’

In the first days, every day she sought to leave and help the wounded, and every day Lieutenant Colonel Hillier persuaded her against it. Then she had become increasingly listless with nothing to do but think of Paul, and she had not even tried to leave her rooms.

She had cried so many tears there seemed none left within her. Yet she thought the emptiness inside her would never leave. A child? Paul’s… Was she carrying a part of him inside her? He might live on through her body…

Ellen looked at the woman and nodded.

When the doctor arrived, he pressed her stomach a few times, then looked up and nodded.

The verdict was swift. ‘You are indeed with child. Have your breasts felt tender?’ Ellen nodded, but she had thought that merely a part of her aching heart, and longing for Paul’s touch.

‘That is all a part of it. I would estimate the child is due in February.’

Ellen’s hand lay on her stomach as she sat upright. A child.

The doctor watched her. ‘Who should I look to for my fee?’

Since the battle, with so many men lost, and so much debt dying with them, she had heard from the maid that no trades accepted credit.

‘You must speak to the lieutenant colonel,’ Ellen answered. He had supported her since the battle. He had bought her the new dresses she did not want, and sent the best food up to her rooms, though she ate little more than a couple of spoonfuls.

‘Is the child his?’

A blush rose through Ellen’s skin as she looked with disgust at the doctor. ‘Of course not. My husband is… was a captain in his regiment… He died during the battle.’

‘And you are living with the lieutenant colonel now…’ His words carried judgement as though it was wrong for Lieutenant Colonel Hillier to help her.

But he was being kind to her…

‘Very well.’ The doctor turned away and Megan followed, to escort him downstairs.

A child… The thought grew like a planted seed in her heart. Her fingers spread over her stomach. Paul was not here but there was another reason to live now. A child.

She thought of telling Paul he was to become a father… The tears she thought had dried up forever flooded her eyes.

* * *

A knock struck the sitting room door.

Ellen climbed from the bed.

Lieutenant Colonel Hillier. She knew his knock; it was always the same. The door opened without her calling as she entered the sitting room.

‘Ah, forgive me, I thought you may be sleeping. I wished to know how you fared. I have paid the physician. He says you are with child.’ He stared at her, his eyes questioning her as they had always done.

A shiver spun up Ellen’s spine – his stares still unnerved her. But she ignored it. It was just his way. She was used to it now.

To hide her discomfort, Ellen clasped her hands before her stomach. She was in awe of the news. Paul’s child grew inside her, even though he had gone. Jubilance, fear and love filled her heart in equal measures.

‘You need not fear,’ Lieutenant Colonel Hillier said in a tight voice. ‘You may continue to reside with me. I shall keep you, and protect you while you carry the child, and I am willing to look after you once the child is born.’

It had never occurred to her that he may not allow her to stay, because if she did not stay where would she go? Yet she ought not to stay forever. She should apply to Paul’s family, and her own, as Paul had asked her to do.

‘Will you dine with me tonight, Mrs Harding? You cannot remain in these rooms forever.’

‘I will dine with you, yes.’ He was right, she had to create a life for her child.

He stared at her, his gaze intense and questioning, then turned away and left the room.

He was a difficult man to understand, and yet he was being kind to her, taking her in and protecting her.

‘ Any of the officers would help you, you may appeal to any of them ,’ Paul had said when he had told her what to do before the battle.

But he had also told her to look to his father for financial support…

An hour before dinner, a new dress was sent to her rooms. It was a very pale blue, almost the colour of her eyes.

The muslin was thin, and very fine, and the white lace that adorned the neck and the hem of the short sleeves was exquisite.

It must have cost a good sum; more than Paul could have afforded.

The maid of all work who had delivered it bobbed a curtsy. ‘Ma’am, Lieutenant Colonel Hillier said he wishes you to wear the dress tonight, so you might look pretty when you dine with him.’ The girl looked at the floorboards, not at Ellen, with a blush rouging her cheeks.

‘Say thank you to Lieutenant Colonel Hillier,’ Ellen replied, bluntly.

She had no desire to dress prettily. She did not feel like dining with him or even eating.

She walked within a nightmare that would not end.

Perhaps, in a moment she would wake, and Paul might walk through the door, come to take her home.

She imagined the kiss he would give to her. Her soul ached desperately for him.

As her ladies’ maid helped her dress for dinner, Ellen was silent, allowing it, not really thinking or focusing, and then she sat before the mirror not at all aware of what the maid did with her hair.

‘There, ma’am. The lieutenant colonel will be waiting.’ Megan stepped back, admiring her work. Ellen did not even look at the mirror. She turned away, a dark fog surrounding her as she left the room.

It was the first time she had gone beyond the door of her sitting room since coming here. It was odd; everything felt surreal and out of place. She lived with a stranger here – she was a stranger to herself.

Her fingers ran along the oak banister as she walked downstairs. Two footmen waited in the hall; neither of them looked at her but at the polished floorboards near her feet. One opened the door leading into the dining room.

A sharp sudden pain pierced Ellen’s breast.

The last time she had entered this room, it was with her hand on Paul’s arm, and the last time she had sat at the table was when she had been beside Paul.

She heard his voice as he talked animatedly with his peers, while she had been absorbed watching his expressions, not following the men’s conversation.

Tears distorted her vision as she walked to the table. She blinked them away.

Lieutenant Colonel Hillier stood. ‘Let me draw out a chair for you.’ He slid back the chair next to the one he had risen from at the head of the table.

She looked at the chairs she and Paul had previously occupied at the lower end of the table as she walked past, her heart aching for him.

‘Do sit,’ Lieutenant Colonel Hillier said, ignoring any evidence of her distress.

Ellen bit her lip and swallowed several times, fighting tears. She shut her eyes to dispel them, but as she did so, she saw Paul, smiling at her.

She opened her eyes again and took the seat Lieutenant Colonel Hillier held out for her. She thought of Paul doing the same on their wedding night.

‘The dress looks very beautiful upon you.’ He sat too.

Ellen looked up and nodded. ‘Thank you.’

‘You are a very remarkable woman, but I am sure you are aware of that.’

She did not know how to answer.

‘Do you like my gift?’

Ellen nodded again, feeling dazed. ‘Yes, thank you.’

‘I picked the colour because it is so like your eyes; though I think no man-made colour could match their quality…’

Again, Ellen did not know what to say.

He looked at the servants. ‘Go ahead then, serve.’

A footman came forward to serve her soup, then filled her glass with wine.

Ellen ate. The oxtail soup was warm, sweetened, and full of flavour. She was not hungry but she ate now for the child’s sake.

When she had finished the soup, the footman took the bowl from in front of her, then the lieutenant colonel reached across the table and his hand lay over hers as it had rested on the table. The sensation made her jump. She had forgotten to wear gloves. How foolish!

He had been speaking of something, and she had not listened. She could not put her thoughts in any order to hold a conversation.

She thought of the white satin gloves Paul had bought her for the Richmond ball.

Where were they? Then she remembered the lieutenant colonel saying he had disposed of the items left behind at her former residence…

She had not cared in that moment; she had not been able to take in what that had meant – all of Paul’s possessions were gone.

The lieutenant colonel had disposed of her clothes, and all the things that would have reminded her of moments with Paul, without her permission.

I should be wearing black… The thought struck her with horror.

She looked at Lieutenant Colonel Hillier. ‘I should be wearing black. I am in mourning.’ How ridiculous not to even remember something so simple. But why had he not remembered? Why had he bought her colourful dresses?

‘Would you purchase me blacks?’ Her words rang about the silent room. His gaze searched and questioned again.

‘Of course.’

The hand that lay on top of hers became heavier. She pulled hers from beneath it.