Page 84 of The Five Year Lie

The idea makes my heart race. “The lawyer is the last person we can name who interacted with him.”

“Yes.He should be at the top of your to-do list. Let me just jot down his address...” Zain scribbles on his pad.

My head is spinning, and my next sip of wine tastes like acid.

Could it really be as simple as writing a letter?

Dear Drew, I don’t know how to reach you, so I’m forwarding this letter via your lawyer. I still don’t know why you faked your own death to get away from me, my family and Chime Co. But you should know that our son turned four in March...

God. And then what? If the letter reaches him, he might still ignore me.

Or the phone could ring, and it might be him on the other end of the line.

“Ariel,” Zain says quietly. “You don’thaveto write the letter.”

“No, I do.”

“Okay.” Zain gets up and moves back to the armchair. He pullshis own laptop out of his bag. But he hesitates before opening it. “I was going to dive into tape number three. Should I go home and do that? Or should I sit right here?”

I open my mouth to tell him to go. But then I hear myself say, “You can work here.” As if I’m doing him a favor.

The truth is I just don’t want to be alone right now.

Zain doesn’t comment. He opens the laptop and plugs the tape into a port on the side. Then he leans back in the chair, making himself comfortable.

Feeling a little foolish, I get up to forage for snacks. It’s really the least I can do.

Then I tuck myself back onto the couch with Zain’s legal pad and a pen. And I try to imagine what kind of letter I’ll write to Drew—and how much anger I’ll let bleed into it.

I start scribbling.

Dear Drew, or Jacob, or whoever you are. If you’re reading this, then you lied to me. You let me think you were dead, and I’ve been busy trying to make my peace, without ever really understanding why.

But there’s one thing you need to know. Together we made a child. Buzz is a bright and kind four-year-old boy with your eyes. He looks a little more like you every day.

He is my greatest joy, and my only real priority.

If you are in the position to have a relationship with the best little boy in the world, then please reach out to me. If you can’t do that or aren’t sure, then maybe it’s best if you don’t respond.

Honestly, life was easier for me when I thought you were dead. I didn’t have to wonder why you seemed to care about meand then stopped. And I didn’t have to wonder why you would never be a parent to your child.

This isn’t about money. We don’t need you. I just want to do right by you and by Buzz, to the extent that I can figure out what that means. You have a choice about whether or not we’re in touch, which is a lot more than you gave me.

That sums it up pretty well.

I contemplate the sign-off.Sincerely, Ariel, maybe. The letter is certainly sincere, even if I’ve left a few other sincere ideas out. Like—How could you?AndI thought you loved me.

Or maybe:Bite me, Ariel. That has a nice ring to it.

When I send this letter, it will open me up to a whole new world of hurt. I might get a quick reply from the lawyer—accompanied by a death certificate. Or maybe the lawyer will reply that he doesn’t know the whereabouts of his client.

Or I could just hear nothing, and spend the rest of my life wondering if he’s out there somewhere, regretting me.

27

FIVE YEARS AGO, JULY

Fishing is very popular in Maine. There are literally thousands of unspoiled lakes and ponds. Summertime brings tourists flocking to the state with their Orvis vests and their tackle boxes.