Page 58 of The Five Year Lie

What the hell is wrong with him? Besides everything. He started this mess with a clear mission, one that would make Ernie proud: Identify those who prey on the weak. Force them to own their sins, and then get out.

It seemed so simple. And now it’s anything but. He’s committed fraud, with nothing to show for it. He’s already running out of time.

20

ARIEL

That evening, after Larri drops me off at home, I order in pizza and then declare a movie night.

We put onToy Story—Buzz’s favorite, naturally. I prop my laptop up on the dresser where I used to change his diapers, and we hole up on his bed with a bowl of popcorn.

In his pj’s, my son reclines against my body like Cleopatra on a chaise longue. The solid warmth of him is a balm on my soul. And I’ve left my phone downstairs, because I can’t let myself obsess. I can’t stay up late texting Zain or googlingJay Marker. I know myself—I might sit up until four a.m. putting his name into the search bar and getting the same results.

Not to mention that I already tried, searching his name seventy-five ways till Sunday all the way back from Lowden. But I barely turned up anything. It only made me feel more desperate.

I feel like a boat in the harbor on a windy day—rising and falling repeatedly, bumping against the choppy waves. Going nowhere fast. After all this time, that man can still throw me off my game. Even as a dead man.

Alikelydead man.

On some level it’s helpful to know that Drew—I can’t think of him as Jay—might have had a soul-deep reason to show up at Chime Co. looking for answers. That maybe he wasn’t a lifelong con man.

Still, he used me. He showed up in Portland with a mission and promptly got cozy with the boss’s daughter. I was an easy mark, too. He probably thought I’d overheard a lifetime of secrets at the family dinner table.

Or maybe I was just a pleasant way to stick it to the man he hated—by literally sticking it to that man’s daughter.

I was so gone for him that I couldn’t even see it.

Buzz laughs, and I force myself to focus on the screen, where Woody is shouting at Buzz Lightyear. “YOU ARE A TOY! A CHILD’S PLAYTHING!”And Buzz stubbornly insists that he’s much more important than that.

Dude, I know the feeling.

Memories are slippery things. It’s been five years since I heard Drew’s voice, or saw his smile. But it’s hard to let go of the soft glances he used to give me. Or the steady sound of his breathing in the dark.

Lying next to Drew, I finally understood where people found the optimism to make lifelong vows to each other. Every time he rolled over in the morning and smiled at me, I thought I’d stumbled upon a life-changing secret. Every time he sleepily ran his fingers through my hair, I thought,This man is different.

And I carried that belief with me for all this time. I wrote off his betrayal as a grave mistake, not a moral failing. But I was so, so wrong.

It’s hard to process. Was he an exceptional actor? Or did I only see what I wanted?

My only satisfaction now is knowing that he couldn’t possibly have learned anything useful about the company from me. I was the least knowledgeable person in the room, and proud of it.

The sick thing is that I’d probably make all those same mistakesagain. Even now, I’d sell my soul for another carefree day with him at the beach, or at the donut shop.

I thought it was love.

He let me think so, too. It must have been so obvious how bad I had it for him.

The movie rolls on as Buzz and Woody learn to trust each other and then work together as a team. I could probably recite all the lines of dialogue by now.

Buzz’s head gets heavy on my chest. I run his soft hair through my fingers and pat his sleepy back.

“I’m still awake,” he murmurs.

“I know, baby. And you still have to brush your teeth.”

“Not a baby,” he slurs.

I pause the movie, scoop him up into my arms and bury my nose in his smooth neck. Then I blow a raspberry, and he giggles.