Page 158 of The Five Year Lie

He lifts his hands in a gesture that usually meansI don’t know. But from an FBI agent, it meansI’m not going to say.

And now I’m just angry. “We’re done here. That’s enough questions.”

“All right, Ariel. Thank you for your cooperation. It helps a great deal.” He leaves the den, and I lean over and put my head in my hands. I feel shaky.

It only gets worse a minute later when Jay arrives. “You okay?”

“No.”I look up fast, and it doesn’t help my sudden nausea. “It wasmyfault Judge Kerry was entered into the system.I put him in.” The last words come out as a gasp.

And Jay’s face falls. His eyes dip as his expression fills with despair.

Oh God.If I’d been more careful...

Suddenly, my stomach tries to climb up my throat. I shoot up out of my chair, stumble over the wallpaper samples and hurry to the little bathroom off the kitchen.

I make it just in time to hurl into the toilet.

Jay is there seconds later, kneeling beside me, reaching for a tissue and making soothing noises.

“Don’t,” I say, swiping at the tears on my face. “Don’t be nice! I can’t believe it was me. No—Icanbelieve it. I was soproudof not giving a damn! And look what happened!”

“Shh, shh,” he says. “It’s okay.”

Nothing is okay. A girldiedbecause I sat there like an idiot and tapped that judge’s name into the system.

Jay is very matter-of-fact as he puts the lid down and flushes the toilet. Then he hoists me up to stand and turns on the sink.

I grab a handful of icy water and rinse out my mouth. Then I splash some more on my face. The water is bracing, but I’m still reeling.

It’s just hitting me that Zain tried to protect me, too. I didn’t deserve that. “Goddamn him.”

“What, honey?” Jay passes me a towel.

“Zain watched the video. He watched it, and he knew. And I think he said you...” I freeze.

Jay goes very still beside me.

“Wait. Didn’t you...?” I turn to face him. “Didn’t you download it, too?”

He drops his gaze to the floor.

“Jay. Tell me.”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “I downloaded it on my way out of town.”

I feel a fresh wave of nausea. “Oh God. Youknew? This whole time?”

“Yeah, so? Christ, I didn’teverwant you to know. It’s not your fault. You were set up.”

“OfcourseI was,” I sputter. But now I have a horrible new realization. “You never told anybody about the fake judges. You could have sent that to the FBI or theBoston Globe. But you didn’t.”

He blows out a breath. “The judges had been deleted from the network. And Ray knew I was onto him. There didn’t seem to be much point.”

I grip his arms in both hands. “You didn’t go public, though, with a whole filing cabinet full of evidence. And I’ve been wondering why. Was it because...” It’s too wild of an idea to say aloud.

He takes my wet, tearstained face in both his hands and holds me still, and the warmth of his palms makes my panic ratchet down. “Because the blast zone would have been too wide,” he says quietly. “I went into Chime Co. with guns blazing. I was going to take down my enemy, and I didn’t care who got caught in the cross fire. But then things got complicated.”

“I’mthe reason you never went public?” My voice comes out high and hysterical.