Page 258 of The First Taste

I rub my temples, feeling like I have a headache brewing. "I do want a family. I’ve always wanted a chance to have a big family full of laughter and love. But this is not how a family starts. This is an accident. A mistake."

"Only if you choose to look at it that way. You don’t have to. Also, there is no rule saying that you have to have a child now. Assuming that, you know, the test is positive."

The idea of having an abortion is not exactly appealing to me. I’m all for easy access to abortion and family planning. I feel strongly about it, in fact. But actually having one of my own?

I can’t fathom it.

I suck in a breath. "I’ve always said that when I finally got the chance, I would do it right. I would find a husband who dotes on me. I would wait a year or so after we got married to ensure that we were actually meant to be together. And then I would get pregnant. Not like this. Not… withhim."

Olivia’s shrugs. "I assume that it’s Burn Morgan’s baby that we are talking about here, in theory."

"Yeah, unfortunately. The most unlikable asshole ever. Plus, he is definitely engaged. I have met his fiancée. She is no blooming rose, either."

Her mouth turns down at the corners. "It is unfortunate that it would be his," she admits.

I look skyward, almost pleading with the heavens. "I don’t even know how I will continue to feed myself, much less another mouth. It just isn’t feasible to have a baby right now. I spent my whole life going to school with brown paper bag lunches, wearing three sweaters inside the house to cut down on heating costs, and clipping coupons. I've scrimped and saved, and I've been concerned about money every waking minute of my life. I was determined never to be a burden to Aunt Minnie or anyone else." My eyes fill with tears, a sudden wall of emotion threatening to crush me.

"You are not a burden on anyone," Olivia says tartly. "I don’t want to hear you talking like that ever again."

“I’m just… so disappointed in myself.” I drop my face to my hands and cover my eyes. "I can’t believe I went out and got drunk one time. Of course I wound up pregnant because of it.Of course I did."

"You don’t know that you’re actually pregnant. Just to bring some sense of reality to this situation."

My eyes well up with tears, and my words are cut short by hiccups. “How could I have been so careless? I can just imagine being nine months pregnant and homeless. In what world is that okay?" My words reach a frenzied peak. "That’s not even taking into consideration who the father is. I would rather run through a hail of bullets than contemplate bringing up a child in that family. I have been in the room with all the Morgans. I am telling you right now, that’s a new level of dysfunction that I am not willing to inflict on a helpless child."

"Okay. Okay." Olivia pulls me into her arms, her hand caressing the back of my head. "Okay. Let it out. You’re not even sure that you're pregnant. You don't even have to decide right now whether you're going to have a baby with one of the Morgans. Okay?"

I feel as if I'm being ripped limb from limb. But I try to calm my crying. I don’t want to be a burden on my best friend, especially by using her as an emotional crutch. I breathe out through my mouth and try to regulate my heartbeat. At length, I raise my head, wiping my eyes. I blow out a breath and shake my head.

"I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I know that you’ve been doing a lot of the emotional heavy lifting for the past couple of weeks."

Olivia smiles at me and tucks my hair behind my ear again, her smile gentle. "It’s okay. You were there for me when Caleb and I broke up. I know that was a crappy time to be my friend. Let me repay the favor."

"Okay. Here we go. Breathe." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, exhaling very slowly.

I mimic her, exhaling and inhaling several times. At last, I feel calm enough to check the test.

Going into that tiny bathroom is literally one of the scariest moments that I think I’ve ever lived through. But once I open that door and look down at the small sink, I see my test.

My positive pregnancy test.

For a moment, I just freeze. Olivia is right behind me in the doorway. She gently pushes me forward half a step, reaching forward to drag the test closer to her with a fingernail. Her eyebrows fly up.

"Shit!" she declares.

I can’t help the bark of laughter that escapes me. "Shit is right. I… I don’t even know what to say. I think I might be in shock."

I turn, and Olivia automatically steps closer, her arms going around me. My eyes well up, and I sniffle.

A small whisper escapes me. "I really want this baby. I do. Just not right now. The timing… and the circumstances… theysuck."

Olivia pulls me close and smooths my hair back from my forehead, giving me a tight squeeze. "I know you do, boo."

"I cannot afford to be pregnant right now."

Olivia rocks me, her gentle embrace making me cry.

She whispers. "Are you going to tell Burn?"