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6
JAMES
"Your cat needs a name," I muse as we exit the woods and our feet sink into the sand. "She's Callie-Cat, but now she's her own person, so to speak."
Perhaps it's the wrong thing to do to talk about something so frivolous after what we've just seen, but part of me wants to take her mind off things, at least until we can have showers. She may have cleaned us with magic, but none of us are naive enough to think that'll be enough. We need to scrub ourselves clean under water hotter than we should subject ourselves to.
And considering the three of us all run at a higher temperature than most humans and even a lot of witches, that's very hot water.
Callie steps over a small log and catches up to me as the sound of the crashing waves seems to surround us, their lull almost peaceful after all we’ve been through. I hold out my hand to walk with her for a bit. Will spent most of the woods helping her over logs and leading her along the path she easily could've followed on her own. I chuckled as every time I looked behind me to see him being totally overprotective. I'm not sure if Callie realizes how much he's babying her, but I can't wait until she does because she's going to take him down a notch or two.
I tease Hank and Will about trying to outdo each other, and I would expect Hank to be eager for Will to be chastised, but I can't help looking forward to it as well, as much as I love the guy.
Then again, perhaps Hank is in need of a distraction, too. We're all aware of what's being left mostly unspoken. Some of that blood could easily have been his mother's.
"When this is over, I'll ask her what her name is." Callie smiles up at me, but it doesn't reach her eyes. I'm not surprised. The power of the circle has put a burden on her soul, one I wish I could help her carry but know I can't. This is part of the price of being the queen.
"What did you feel?" I ask.
She sighs and looks ahead as we walk. "The earth is mourning all those souls gone. It doesn't like what Robert did."
My heart aches for her. And for those we've lost. Other than Hank's mom, I don't think I know any of them, but that doesn't do anything to help with the sting. It must be ten times as bad for Callie. She has a connection to the earth and to the magic, one she can't ignore. It must be torture. And I can't do anything to help her.
“I wonder sometimes who I’m going to be after all of this is done.” Her gaze connects with mine. “Even though Robert is the one hurting people, until I can stop him, it almost feels like I’m doing it to them too.”
For a second, I feel a heavy weight on my chest. I understand that feeling better than anyone. I understand what it’s like not being able to stop someone from hurting others. The difference between Callie and me is that she had the guts to stand up for what was right, and I didn’t.
I just let some bastard hurt people.
I hurt them, too, to keep myself safe. To have a place I felt I belonged. All because I was lonely. All because I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
It was pathetic.
My teeth clench together, and the smell of the blood from the circle surrounds me for a moment. I hear, in my mind, the screaming of the people who were dragged to that place. I flinch, imagining the way their executions were carried out.
Did I think I’d escape that life? That I’d just fight fires and not ever have to remember what I’d done? I was a fool. The past was never really in the past.
As I try to think of something to say to comfort her, to push aside my own horror at the things I’d done, the overwhelming smell of rotten eggs hits me. "Ugh, what is that?" I pull my shirt up to cover my nose, but it isn't enough. The smell permeates my senses, so strong I have to bend over, gasping for air. When it fades, I straighten up to make sure everyone else is okay, but I'm no longer on the beach.
"Go on, James!" a boy shouts from across the room.
I shudder. Why am I seeing this? It all happened so long ago, I prefer not to remember.
A younger Benedict shakes his head at me. He knows what I'm about to do is wrong, too.
"Please, please, don't," the human strapped to the chair begs. "I've done nothing wrong."
No. He hasn't . I know it now, but I also knew it then.
"You can't be one of us if you don't do it, James." The voice sends a shiver down my spine even after all these years. Ronald's ruthlessness was always the talk of the school, and now I get to witness it firsthand again.
It isn't real. This isn't real. I'm on the beach with Callie .
But why does it feel as if I'm here? Logically, I know this is a memory, but a part of me doesn't accept that it isn't happening right now.
The fire that heats the dorm room pops and sizzles next to me, reminding me of what I'm supposed to do.
I meet Benedict's eyes again, but he looks away only seconds later, ashamed of me and what I'm going to become tonight.
Callie and the others are so far away that it's hard to even focus on their faces.
Don't let this happen, James, I tell myself. You can stop this . I fight against the vision, wanting to free myself from its grip. That's all it is. The trauma of the scene at the stones has triggered something, nothing more.
I close my eyes and wish myself back to the beach. Or to somewhere else. Anywhere but where my own mind is taking me.
When I open them again, the same boys are in the room. The same whimpering human is tied to the chair, and the same fire rages in the grate.
"Do it," Ronald insists. "Or we'll do it to you ."
I gulp, the memory of fear taking over my body despite me knowing I shouldn't let it.
I find myself nodding, just like I did that day. I turn to the fire and reach in with my bare hand. The flames tickle my skin but doesn’t burn it. Most of the boys here would have to use a spell to be able to do this, and they think I have, too. Little do they know the salamander part of me makes it possible for me to resist flames. It's a useful skill when I can use it to cover up my lesser magical talents.
The heavy iron brand is piping hot, but I don't drop it.
I'm sick to my stomach, and it's hard to tell if it’s an echo of my feelings from the day or the way I feel now. I suppose it doesn't matter. The current man is still responsible for what the boy did.
"Good," Ronald says.
Why did I ever listen to him? He gives vindictive a new name, and he hurts for pleasure whenever he can.
"Do what you have to do, James," he instructs.
I nod and approach the sobbing human.
I'm sorry . I didn't say the words then, so I can't now. But I can think them, and I will. This poor boy never deserved what came to him. I never even bothered to learn his name.
The brand hovers above his skin, and I can see from the fear in his eyes that he knows what I'm going to do next. I hope he can see how scared past-me is, too. That he knows I'm not completely evil.
I don't suppose it matters. To him, I'll always be the person who branded him. If he lived past that night.
The smell of rotten eggs overwhelms me the moment I press the brand to his skin, and his screams begin to pierce the air. It's so strong it nearly takes my breath. But I welcome it as it breaks the spell that's been over me. I bend over again, using my hands on my knees to support me, but sputter and choke when saltwater fills my mouth and nose. Gasping for air, I open my eyes to find myself surrounded by the ocean. I'm not out that far, but any further, and I won't be able to feel the bottom with my feet anymore.
What the hell just happened? One minute, I was with Callie on the beach, and the next, I was in the past. And now? Now I stood surrounded by water, alone with the memories of who I was. The real person I was deep inside.
My heart aches. It more than aches. My entire chest feels like the weight of every person I’ve ever hurt sits on top of me. And a dark grief swells around me like the waves. Maybe it would be better for everyone if I let the sea take me and allow the world to be rid of the monster I am.
A wave crashes into me, causing me to stagger backward. I slam into a hard body.
"Calm down, James, come on!" Hank yells. He's got his hands on my biceps in an iron grip. I look from him to find Will and Callie on either side of me, holding onto me, too.
My self-loathing softens a bit at the sight of Callie's face. But only for a moment. She deserves better than me. And after this is all over, I'll take myself away from her so she can. But for now, she needs my help. No one else understands her uncle's cruelty like I do. They don't share it with him.
"What are you doing?" I try to pull my arms away, but they hang on. "You can let go."
"Are you sure?" Callie asks. "Are you yourself again?"
"Myself?" The events of the last several minutes roll through my mind. I was myself then, too, but someone I hadn't been in a very long time. "Yes. I'm normal. Whatever that spell was has passed." Even if the effects still linger, along with the truths about myself they've uncovered.
They loosen their grips, but Callie slips her hand into mine and pulls me toward the sand. "Let's get back, get behind the wards."
That sounds like the best idea. The thought of going through that again terrifies me. I don't want to relive any of my past ever again. Living it once was hard enough.
And yet, wards or not, I doubt that my mind will ever be truly free from the past. But perhaps that’s what I deserve. To never forgive or forget who I was.
Table of Contents
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- Page 61 (Reading here)
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