Page 77 of The Fire
“Whatever. He was too inebriated to come to the hospital, even though you’d gotten hurt.”
“Mmm,” I agreed. “And you got your dad to take you to the ER to hang with me so I wouldn’t be alone.”
“Because you were practically throwing up from the pain!” he said, and it made me smile that he was still so outraged on my behalf all these years later. I swear, that man could make me smile about nearly anything. “You should never have been alone.”
“I was scared to death,” I continued. “Didn’t wanna talk to anyone, even you.”
Parker snorted. “Yeah, you’ve got a definite MO for dealing with unpleasant shit, don’t you?”
“And you got it. You didn’t make me talk. You just put your hand on my good arm. And you told me that I wasn’t just good at baseball. That I could be good at whatever I put effort into being good at.” I reached for his hand now, and he scooted closer so I could thread our fingers together. “I don’t think I ever told you how much that meant to me, you know? That you sat there with me like that.”
“Making you talk has never worked, has it?” he asked softly. “You have to get there yourself.” He huffed out a frustrated breath.
“But you made it so I wasn’t alone either. You made it better,” I told him. “Just by being there. You always do.”
It was as close as I could get to telling him how I felt about him.
Parker’s fingers tightened and released, rubbing against mine, and it looked like he was fighting to say something or maybe tonotsay it. His green eyes came to mine, questioning and vulnerable, and he blurted. “I need to know, Jamie. What the hell did I do eleven years ago? How did I fuck things up?”
“What?”
“Because I would have sworn you loved me at the time,” he continued in a rush. “Youtoldme you loved me. And then suddenly… you didn’t. And I shouldn’t fucking care, because entireoceansof water have passed under that bridge, right? But we’re doing this friends-with-benefits thing and I… I need to know why it ended before, so I don’t make the same mistake again, okay? Did I break things somehow? Or were you, you know, exaggerating when you said you loved me? Because it’s fine, if that’s what it was. I… I mean, not fine. Definitely notfine. But I would get it. We were kids, and Molly had just died, and you were in a really bad place, and maybe you made our friendship into something it wasn’t, and then you realized and backtracked and…” He swallowed. “I know it’s breaking your damn rule to talk about this, but it’s a stupid fucking rule. And I figure I’ve had your cock in my mouth enough times to earn this answer anyway.”
It was the last thing I’d expected him to say. And it was shortsighted of me, because Ididknow Parker, and I maybe should have predicted that he’d take this on himself, but it had never occurred to me that he’d think our breakup washisfault. I’d said shit—the most insulting things I could think of, the things I knew would get to him most. And I wasn’tproudof it, but I’d figured the end justified the means. I’d wanted him to be mad at me, mad enough to leave. Mad enough to reconsider what he wanted—whether hereallywanted to tie himself permanently to a cranky asshole like me.
I’d regretted it almost immediately, and I’d gone to his house the next day to apologize, but it had been too late, and I’d figured that was exactly what I deserved.
But I’d never intended for him tobelieveme.Or for him to carry it this long.
And I hadswornto myself I would never talk about this. There was no reason to dredge up the past when it wouldn’t solve anything anyway. After all, I was still the same cranky asshole who had nothing to offer him, except maybe I was worse now—working the same job, stuck in the same damn house—and Parker still had every reason to leave O’Leary.
But looking at his face, I saw the inevitability of this. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for Parker. Nothing I wouldn’t give up for him. My heart, my happiness… even Parker himself. And he deserved the truth.
At least, part of it.
“Jesus.” I blew out a breath. “Parker… no. It wasneverabout you doing something wrong. You were just… you. Brilliant and bright and curious. National Honor Society. National Merit Scholarship. Great plan to see the whole world, one country at a time.” I smiled at the memory. “And I was… me. No baseball scholarship anymore. Dead-end job—that I’m still working, mind you.” I laughed shortly. “Dad who was drinking way too much. Mom who had one foot out the door. Were you really gonna give all that up to stay here? No way.”
Parker frowned, and his mouth opened slightly. “You said I was weak and clingy.”
“I never said that.”
“You implied it,” he said more forcefully, snatching his hand away to run it through his hair.
I sighed. “I know.”
“You told me you were tired of hearing me whine about how my parents wanted me to go to school. You said I should go. You said… you said you were done with me.”
The pain in his eyes was so unmistakable, even in the dim light, that I had to shut my own to block it out… not that it worked. Even with my eyes shut, all I could see was him.
“We had plans to do things together,” he said, angry now. “And you changed your mind.”
“I didn’t change—”
“You didn’t want me.”
“It had nothing to do with me not wanting you. I didn’t want tohold you back. The guilt of it was killing me.”
“So you decidedforme?” he accused, incredulous. “You decided I should leave? And made me mad so I would?”