Page 252 of The Fall

“I think we’ve got a shot,” he says.

To change this, I would have to betray this. I would have to play with less than everything I have, throw games, sabotage their future. To steal this chance from him would be a betrayal beyond words. How do you refuse fate when it wears the face of everything you love? No, I will not dishonor him by giving him less than the man I have become. However much time resists or repeats itself, I can’t be the one to quit first.

“We do,” I breathe.

For you, I think. I will win this for you. I will do anything for you.

A fist slams against the door.

The sudden violence of it tears through the quiet of our room, and Blair’s fingers freeze mid-stroke in my hair. The muscles of his thigh beneath my head tense and then he’s moving, off the bed and striding to the door.

He pauses halfway to the door, one hand already reaching for the handle. “Who is it?”

There’s a muffled reply, and concern flashes across Blair’s face before he rips the door open.

It’s Hayes.

His face is pale, eyes darting from Blair to me and back again, as if he’s still catching up with reality. All that bravado he wearshas slipped clean away. “I… Can I come in? I need to talk to you guys.”

Blair grips his arm, steadying him as he drags him into the room. “What happened? What’s going on?”

Hayes stands with his hands laced behind his head, his lips parted, chest heaving as if every breath is a struggle. Blair keeps a hand anchored at Hayes’s elbow. The quiet is thick enough to choke on.

Then Hayes exhales in a jagged rush and blurts, “She… Erin… We…” He stumbles over his words. His hands shake as he runs them through his hair. “Fuck, guys, Erin’spregnant.”

For a second, nobody moves.

Blair lets out a sound halfway between laughter and disbelief. Hayes paces a short line by the bed, stopping only when Blair pulls him into a hug so fierce it knocks the air from both their lungs. If joy could shatter walls, there’d be nothing left but sky.

“The doctors said she couldn’t…” Hayes is babbling now. “We thought Lily was it, you know? But we always wanted a big family, and now…”

Why does it ache, watching them?

Hayes clings to Blair as if letting go means he’ll fall straight through the world. “She just called. She couldn’t wait to tell me. Oh my God, oh my fucking God!”

Bright, relieved laughter bursts out of Blair. Hayes is trembling, face wet, half-grinning and half-crying as Blair holds him up. All their history and hope curls in the space between their bodies, golden and blinding. But inside of me, a cold river runs.

Hayes pulls back, wiping at his cheeks. His eyes catch mine, and he pulls me into a vise-tight hug. “Torey, man… what you did for us. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I can’t ever thank you enough.”

The dampness of his tears soaks through my shirt as I hug him back. He thinks I saved his future; he cannot know I am staring at the ghost of my own.

He squeezes once more, then lets go. I grip his hand, our fists locked. “Congrats, man.”

Hayes beams. He is so open, so unguarded, stripped bare by happiness. “Guess we’ll have to celebrate properly back in Tampa, huh?”

Blair nods. “We’ll have lots to celebrate.”

A look passes between them, understanding that flows around me but does not include me. “Oh, I’m sure we will,” Hayes says. “Lots of big things coming, right?”

Blair drags Hayes into another embrace. His cheeks are flushed as he mutters something in Hayes’s ear, and they hold each other for a long moment, two friends sharing a summit. They both are so profoundly happy, and their shared joy paints me into a corner. Hayes’s elation radiates outward, and Blair shines with it too. “Sorry for bursting in. I was going to explode. I had to tell you guys. I couldn’t wait.”

“Dude, I’m so glad you told us.” Blair squeezes Hayes’s shoulders and shakes him.

Hayes wipes his face with the back of his hand and laughs. “Seriously, I couldn’t keep it in. Not from you guys.” He backs toward the door, still grinning, still floating on this impossible news.

Then he’s gone, taking with him all that brilliant happiness about tomorrow.

Blair stays by the wall, watching me. Hayes’s exhilaration still rings in the air, and his happiness seems to have slipped into Blair, too.