Page 5 of The Dysfunctional Family's Guide to Murder

“That’s great,” Aunty Bec says. “Did they give him antivenom?”

“Not exactly.”

“Is antivenom not the done thing?”

Aunty Vinka goldfishes her mouth, like she’s not sure how to say the next bit. Even GG is paying attention. “The snake didn’t bite him.”

“What?”Dad says.

“The doctors think maybe he got stabbed by a bit of wire or even just a really sharp stick when he was trying to catch the snake.” Aunty Vinka delivers this at 1.5-times speed.

“Are you joking?” Dad asks.

“It was an easy mistake to make. We all saw the snake.”

“So why isn’t he with you now?”

“There was an, uh, incident at the hospital.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nick, uh, sort of tripped when he was mucking around with a soccer ball—”

“In thehospital?”

“—and fell down some stairs—”

Dad swears under his breath, but the way you do when you want everyone to hear you.

“—and broke his leg. Quite seriously, actually, Andy, so I hope you feel bad now.”

“Don’t be a—” Dad swears again, and this time I’m pretty sure I’mnotmeant to hear it, because it’s the word that once prompted him to give me a ten-minute lecture on misogyny in rap music. Then maybe he thinks better, because he adds: “Sorry, Vinx.”

“He’ll be discharged in the morning. I was going to stay overnight with him, but those hospital chairs are bad for my alignment.”

Having Aunty Vinka home and Nick definitely not dead lifts the mood, and after a glass of wine Aunty Vinka relaxes enough to offer a reenactment of the accident, which makes Dad laugh so hard he goes briefly nonverbal.

The mood is upbeat until the table is being cleared, when Aunty Vinka swoops in to take GG’s barely touched plate.

“Have you had enough to eat?” Aunty Vinka asks.

“I’m fine.”

“Is your stomach bothering you?”

“No more than usual.”

“Do you want me to get your medicine?”

“No.”

“Have you taken it already tonight?”

“I don’t need it every night.”

Aunty Vinka frowns. “Are you sure? I thought I saw on the box it said—”

“Vinka.It’s fine.”