Page 30 of The Condemned (Echoes from the Past #6)

TWENTY-TWO

Quinn was relieved when Gabe and Emma left for school and work early the following morning.

Being alone with Alex allowed her to worry and brood without constantly having to account for her feelings.

She knew she was all over the place, but for once in her life she couldn’t force her emotions into an appropriate box.

She felt weepy and hopeless one moment, angry the next.

She wasn’t even sure who she was angry at these days.

She was angry with Sylvia for separating her from Jo, annoyed with Seth for calling her every few days to check on the progress of her search, and furious with Rhys for not calling her when he must have known she’d be going out of her mind.

She was even angry with Logan for not being as obsessed with finding Jo as she was.

That was probably why she hadn’t been feeling well.

She no longer felt nauseated, but her head ached, and her belly was cramping, as if she were about to get her period.

She hadn’t menstruated since giving birth because she was still nursing Alex, but as soon as she stopped, she was sure to get it soon.

She actually looked forward to getting back to normal. It was time.

Quinn settled Alex down for his midmorning nap and put the kettle on. She was jittery, but she wanted a cup of coffee, and something to eat. She hadn’t had any breakfast, and now her stomach felt hollow. Perhaps some buttered toast. And an egg, Quinn decided.

She’d just popped the bread into the toaster when the doorbell buzzed.

Funny, that. When she’d lived with Luke at her little chapel, no one had ever come by.

She supposed there really hadn’t been anyone to come by in those days.

She and Luke had led a pretty claustrophobic existence when it had been just the two of them.

Now the flat was like the arrivals area at St. Pancras.

Quinn pressed the button and saw Jude’s sorrowful face staring into the screen.

“Hey, can I come up?” he asked .

“Sure.” Quinn buzzed him in and shook her head in amazement. She’d thought she and Jude would never form any sort of relationship, but this was the second time he’d come to visit her. Perhaps there was hope for her siblings after all.

Quinn opened the door and let Jude into the flat. He was wearing his navy coat and a knitted cap, a thick striped scarf around his neck.

“You got a dog,” he exclaimed as Rufus came trotting down the corridor, eager to greet the visitor. He gave Jude a cursory sniff, then let out a half-hearted woof, as if he wasn’t sure if Jude was friend or foe. “He’s sweet. What’s his name?”

“Rufus.”

“Right. Interesting choice.”

“We let Emma name him.”

“Now it all makes sense,” Jude joked as he followed Quinn into the kitchen after divesting himself of his coat, hat, and scarf. “I gather Cecil was voted down. That was her initial choice, if I recall correctly.”

“Yes, it was. Want some coffee?” Quinn asked as she took another mug down from the cupboard.

“Yeah, that’d be grand.”

Quinn put her toast on a plate and moved it toward Jude. He accepted it and reached for the butter. “Want an egg?”

Jude smiled. “I’m actually hungry today.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Quinn gave Jude one of her eggs, poured the coffee, and sat down across from him. “No work today?”

“My shift starts at two. Where’s the little guy?”

“Napping. ”

“I was kind of hoping to see him. Emma too. I miss her.”

“She’s at school.”

“Right, I forgot.” Jude bit into his toast and stared at Quinn, his gaze inviting her to ask him why he was there. He looked pale and sad.

“Is something wrong?” Quinn asked gently. “You seem—I don’t know—miserable, for lack of a better word.”

Jude hung his head and sighed loudly. “I am.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Jude nodded but didn’t say anything. Quinn took a sip of her coffee and waited.

Jude was obviously grappling with something and needed the space to approach whatever it was he wanted to say in his own time.

He tapped on the egg and sliced off the top, then stared at the contents as if he’d never seen a boiled egg before.

He took a spoonful of egg and swallowed it, grimacing.

He sprinkled a bit of salt into the egg, then tried again. Finally, he spoke.

“I’m doing all the right things for my recovery, Quinn.

I’m in a methadone program, I’ve got a job, I’ve chucked in my drug-using girlfriend, I spend my evenings under the watchful eye of my mother, and all I can think of as I sit there watching Britain’s Got Talent is that I want to die. I’ve never felt so hollow, so joyless.”

“Would drugs take that feeling away?”

“For a time.” Jude’s gaze slid toward the window, his expression as bleak as the colorless winter sky.

“I hate my job, Quinn. It’s soul crushing.

How can anyone spend their days taking out the rubbish and sweeping the floors and be content?

I can’t even help myself to anything in the dispensary to make the days a little less dreary.

It’s locked up air-tight,” Jude said, a sarcastic smile tugging at his lips.

“And I miss Bridget. I know she was no good for me, but I miss her. I’m supposed to be on the straight and narrow, but I feel like my life’s gone completely tits-up.

If I don’t find an outlet for my frustration, I’ll go starkers. ”

Quinn reached out and put her hand over his. Her heart went out to him. He was so young, and so unhappy. At this moment, he looked as if his soul was in someone else’s body, trying to figure out how to live this new life.

“Jude, I know you’re grateful to Logan for getting you the porter job, but surely there’s something else you can do that’d make you happier.”

“Making music makes me happy. Playing clubs, getting high, and shagging Bridget in the toilets after a show makes me happy. She liked doing it in public places. It turned her on,” Jude added with a heavy sigh.

“Is that too much information? Sorry, but I really have no one to talk to. Mum and Logan will lecture me on the evils of my chosen lifestyle, and my friends will try to drag me right back into the hole I’m trying to climb out of. Things are pretty bleak at the moment.”

“Is there anything that appeals to you, career-wise?” Quinn asked, desperate to help in any way she could.

Jude shrugged. “I like kids,” he mumbled, “but who’s going to let me come within a foot of their child? One look at me and they’d start calling me a ‘pedo.’”

“Just because you’re a young man who likes kids doesn’t make you a pedophile, Jude. I wouldn’t recommend looking for employment as a nanny, but surely there are other things you can do. You’re a talented musician. What about teaching music to kids? Or you can volunteer and see if you enjoy it.”

Jude looked up, his expression thoughtful. “They have people who come to entertain the kids on the pediatric oncology ward.”

“I’m sure those children would like a real-life musician to play for them. ”

“You think?” Jude asked, a spark of hope lighting his melancholy gaze.

“I think there are lots of options out there, but you won’t discover any of them unless you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Nothing will give you the high you got from heroin, but that doesn’t mean you can never be happy.

There are other girls, other jobs, and other ways to nurture your love of music. ”

“Thanks, Quinn. I know you’re right, I’m just rubbish at motivating myself.

My band was the only thing I got excited over.

I got us gigs, made arrangements, and generally kept everyone on their toes.

Now they’re touring without me. I hear they got a new bass player. I’ve been very quickly replaced.”

“No one is irreplaceable, Jude. Just over a year ago, Emma lost her mum. She was shocked and devastated, but now she has a new family and she calls me Mum. Life goes on. If a small child can find the strength to move forward, so can you.”

“I can’t see that Emma had much choice in the matter,” Jude replied.

“And neither do you. Not if you want to have a future. Maybe, once you’ve been clean for a while, you can go back to playing clubs and shagging in toilets, but now you have to stay strong.”

“And resist the siren call of the heroin?”

“And resist the siren call of the heroin.”

“You never stop hearing it, you know.”

“I imagine not, and facing a lifetime without it must seem impossible. But if you take it one day at a time, you have a much better chance of success.”

“Now you sound just like Logan,” Jude complained.

“He’s only trying to help,” Quinn said softly .

“I know. I’m blessed to have so many people who care enough to give me a bollocking. Well, I’d best be going. I have a few errands to run before I have to report for another exciting shift at the hospital. Thanks for the food, and the talk.”

“Jude, come back anytime. Emma would love to see you. She might even let you walk Rufus.”

“Your husband won’t be pleased to find me here.” Jude still hadn’t forgiven Gabe for slamming him against the wall and threatening to call the police when he found Jude’s heroin fold in Emma’s possession.

“Gabe will be fine. Just come back. Promise me you will.”

“Okay, I promise,” Jude said. He gave Quinn a peck on the cheek, grabbed his coat, cap, and scarf, and walked out the door.