Page 29 of The Brutal Arrangement (The Ivanov Syndicate #2)

DAMON

L etting Lucy walk away from me took a lot of patience. She was my wife, expected to submit to me. And she had, sexually. With my loose wishes to get to know her more and let her into my life in non-sexual ways, though, I was coming to see that she wasn’t as meek and mild-mannered as I thought.

When she left the room after I showed her that I had taken over the care for her mother, I was so confused that I couldn’t be mad. It made no sense. I’d done something good . I’d made a decision to do something that I thought was considerate. And she’d twisted it into something worse.

“Damon?”

I didn’t turn to see my grandmother in the hallway. Slowing until I stopped, I let her catch up to me.

“Are you all right?”

I furrowed my brow at her. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re acting differently.”

I rolled my eyes. “Grandmother, it’s fine.” So, I’d had to kill a couple of soldiers earlier this morning. Sometimes, those hard choices fell on me. “They were rats.”

“No. No.” She grimaced and shook her head. Aware of the violence that came with this life, she’d never flinched at what I did in the basement. Everyone respected my position as the family’s “demonic” enforcer.

“You’ve been acting more aloof than usual since the beginning of this week.”

Damn her for noticing. Days had passed and I’d kept my distance from Lucy. I hadn’t wanted anyone else to know, though.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” I told her.

She wasn’t convinced, watching me closely.

“You’re not sleeping in your apartment anymore.

” She crossed her arms. “While I’ve been hesitant about your marriage with that maid, you did tell me that she’d at least serve the role of giving you heirs.

I don’t see how that will work when you don’t go home to her at all anymore. ”

“Grandmother…” I rubbed my hand over my face. “Not now.”

Without giving her a chance to reply or nag me any further, I stalked off and resumed my path to my father’s room.

I made an effort to check in on him daily, but since learning about Lucy’s mother, I had to wonder if she wished she could do the same.

Yeah, right. I’m not going to fucking bring up her mother again.

She’d just take my curiosity as something negative again.

I could give her some leeway with how I’d reacted at first. When I caught her seemingly having a secret conversation, my suspicions were heightened.

Once I confirmed she was telling the truth, I had acted out of genuine concern, which she shat on.

Trust was earned, not given. That was a fact of life.

But now, trust seemed like a joke between us.

I hated that I’d played a part in tarnishing her ability to trust me.

I slowed down once I entered Father’s room. He wasn’t alone. The nurses were nearby, but it was Sloane seated in the room.

“What’s going on?”

She turned, acknowledging me with a slight smile.

“Nothing. Maxim was going on and on about worrying that his father was lonely. So I figured since I’m not doing anything, I’d sit here.

” Holding up a clunky looking attempt at some kind of knitted thing, she shrugged.

“It’s not hurting me any to just be present in case he is aware while he’s resting and is lonely. ”

“That’s… sweet.” I pulled another chair close to join her. Father went back and forth from good days and the bad. He’d be more lucid and mobile one day, then the next, it seemed like he’d overdone it and was needing more rest than usual.

“I’ve never had a father,” she admitted, “but if I knew mine and he’d given a shit to want me in his life, I would want to be a good daughter for him.”

I nodded, still not used to talking with her.

“How come you’re avoiding your wife?” she asked without lifting her gaze from the knitting needles.

“Is that supposed to be a blanket or something?”

“Or something. It’s the product of my being bored while Maxim tries to insist that I stay in bed all the time. Don’t hedge.” She glanced up. “How come you’re avoiding your wife?”

I scowled, leaning back on my chair. “How do you know I am?”

“Because Maxim noticed you’ve been avoiding going home all week. He told me. And now that you happened to cross my path here, I’m curious.”

I didn’t reply, hating that I couldn’t ever have true privacy in this building.

“Practice on me, Damon.” She didn’t look up, seeming to realize that I didn’t like direct eye contact that well.

“I don’t need Maxim to explain that you’re not used to dealing with women.

And he’s already painted enough of a picture of Beatrice for me to understand all you brothers have mommy issues and don’t trust women. Talk to me. See if I can help.”

“Is this some kind of side effect of your pregnancy? Feeling like a shrink?” I huffed a laugh.

“No. It’s being bored while I’m pregnant and trying to not hate my husband when he’s obsessively worried and hovers. I have no friends here. I have nothing to do. Humor me and let’s see if I can help you.”

I frowned.

“What happened?” she asked. “It seemed like you were impatient to go home to her for a while, and now you’re sleeping on another floor.”

“I found her on the phone about her mom’s care?—”

“Yeah, I know.”

“The fuck? Does Maxim tell you everything now?”

She smiled more, still paying attention to her knitting. “No. Not business stuff. I don’t even want to know. But he loves his brothers. He loves you. And he’ll talk with me about what he cares about.”

I sighed, wishing Lucy and I could be like that. “I accused her of lying and spying when I caught her on the phone.”

She rolled her eyes. “Not surprising. But come on. What could she know?”

“Then when I confirmed she was telling the truth about her mom, I took over that situation and moved her into a better facility. When I told her about that, she got pissed.”

She set her knitting down now. “She was mad that you moved her mom into a better nursing home?”

“It’s actually an assisted living place,” I replied.

“She was mad, though?”

I nodded. “She said I’d done it so she would have to stay married to me. To control her.”

Frowning more, she seemed pensive. “Is that true?”

“No, it’s not fucking true,” I growled.

“Okay. Let me weigh in as a woman, as an outsider still fitting in around here.” She held her hand up.

“You guys are controlling. I’m not complaining.

I’m not judging. It’s just a fact. You are the same as Maxim in that regard, and I bet Saul and Nik are too.

Since she’s come here, you have controlled her, right?

You’ve decided where she could go, whom she could talk to, and what she could do. ”

“I didn’t kidnap her,” I bit out. “She chose to come here. I didn’t keep her locked up like Maxim did with you.”

She nodded. “I’ll get back to the fact that she chose to come here. But she’s not out of line to point out that you are controlling her.”

“She never complained.”

She opened and closed her mouth, then huffed. “Did you give her a chance to complain?”

“I don’t keep her gagged.” I frowned. “Not all the time.”

“Okay. But did you ever take time to talk to her? To listen to her?”

Dammit. “I wanted to.”

“All right. That’s probably a step forward.” She licked her lips, as if needing to collect her thoughts. “You do control her. You’re probably just as demanding as Maxim is of me. I don’t want to know, but I’ll assume you’re hung up on her submitting to you. Right?”

I let my silence serve as a reply.

“You’ve gotten her to submit to you. That’s one thing. But if you’ve never taken the time to form any other connection with her, how is she supposed to know how to interpret your taking care of her mother’s expenses and healthcare?”

“Sloane, I don’t mind you,” I said slowly, keeping tight rein on my temper, “but don’t try to suggest that I open up and be lovey-dovey and all that shit. I’m not wired like that. The best I can do is keep my distance from her and?—”

“Why? What does that do?”

“I have to keep my distance from her so I…” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“What? Go on.” She grinned. “We’re getting somewhere now.”

“I need to stay away from her because I can’t trust how I feel when I’m near her. I don’t like this concept of…” I rubbed my forehead. “This concept of letting any feelings grow for her.”

“Why the hell not?” she asked incredulously. “You married her.”

“Because I was never supposed to marry her. I was never supposed to feel anything for her. This was supposed to be in name only, and it was the only way a woman would’ve ever become my wife at all.”

“Aha!” She pointed at me. “That’s it.”

I smirked. “What?”

“You went along with this arrangement because you think you scare women. You told me in the gym that one day. You have considered yourself a leper, too scary to get a wife in any other way, so you went along with this arrangement that you seem to think is only supposed to be a contract and nothing more.”

I shook my head, looking away.

“You married Lucy—regardless of who you thought she’d be—and now you’re starting to have feelings for her.

If she’s accusing you of trapping her in this marriage because she’d be indebted to you for taking over her mother’s care, then you’re intimidated by the belief that she must only want to be in this because of that.

Not because she might care for you, too. ”

“I think you’re getting so bored that you're letting your imagination run away from you,” I remarked dryly.

“Admit it.”

I scowled. “Admit what?”

“You like her,” she said, grinning again.

“I like fucking her.”

She gave me a droll look. “No. It’s more. You’re acting like you miss her. Grumpier than usual.”

I rolled my eyes.

“You don’t like the idea that she would stay married to you just because you can hold her mother’s care against her. As leverage.”

“It’s not. I took over that situation with her mother just so she’d be comfortable. So Lucy wouldn’t stress about it again.”

“Because… you care about her!”

“Fine. Let’s say I could be so stupid as to care about her.” I held my hands up. “I have no fucking clue how to do that. I’m not romantic. I don’t do cutesy, sappy shit.”

“Gee, I don’t know. Tell her. Tell her that you care.” She flung her hand up and sighed. “For God’s sake, have a conversation with her.”

I lowered my head, knowing she was right. I wouldn’t admit it, but I appreciated her perspective on this. It wasn’t easy to love me. I doubted it was easy for her to love Maxim. We weren’t simple men. We lived with violence and didn’t flinch at bloodshed.

“I don’t know how to surrender to that,” I replied.

Because that was what it felt like. Letting Lucy in, giving in to the idea of compassion and love, was too much like forfeiting all my power and control. I couldn’t adjust to being vulnerable.

“I get that.” She patted my hand. “I really do. Maxim and I struggled. We struggled to come to terms with loving each other, and I know it’ll be a battle we’ll fight for the rest of our lives. Stakes will always be higher here.”

She was right about that. I’d almost been killed because of my mother’s untrustworthiness. That was a hell of a high-stakes predicament to overcome and heal from, even after all these years.

“But we take small steps each and every day to remember that our love makes us stronger. Not weaker.” She gave me one last smile before she got up and exited the room, leaving me with a head full of doubt and fear and a sliver of hope in my heart.